


out of sight, still on my mind

by xxprincessxx



Category: High School Musical: The Musical: The Series (TV)
Genre: Angst, Best Friends, Childhood Friends, F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Mutual Pining, Slow Burn, Through the Years, the slowest burn ever
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 18:48:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 52,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29265300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xxprincessxx/pseuds/xxprincessxx
Summary: His shoulder comes in contact with hers, a small and teasing smile on his face as he turns to look at her. “Oh c’mon, don’t try and be shy about it.” He teases, “It’s just you and Ricky have always been like this big question, you know?”Nini presses her lips together, shaking her head not quite getting at what he had meant. She had an inkling of an idea, but she’d rather he tell her the entirety of his thoughts than her guessing what he was thinking. Not wanting to say too much that she could never take back.“Okay, look at it this way.” Big Red starts, straightening his posture. “Your story is like a coming-of-age movie. And for me, it was like watching an entire push and pull between the two main characters, and they just had a shit ton of wrong timing and misunderstandings and whatnot. It feels like the movie is still running, and I’m still waiting on that happy ending. So, yeah, I’ve always wondered why you never at least tried.”ORAs the years went on, Ricky and Nini a pair that were destined to be best friends since birth had fallen for each other. But what happens when they don’t think they could be together but desperately want to?
Relationships: Ricky Bowen & Nini Salazar-Roberts, Ricky Bowen/Nini Salazar-Roberts
Comments: 10
Kudos: 65





	out of sight, still on my mind

**Author's Note:**

> holy crap. this is the longest one shot I've ever done and I'll be honest i'm a little insecure considering the word length. i normally try to keep my one shots below 30k and if they go over i would usually turn them into a multi-chap. however, this story doesn't really make sense as a multi so, apologies in advance for how long this actually is
> 
> I've been working on this for the last 2.5 months. it was originally supposed to be posted on Jan 3rd for my one year anniversary of writing rini fics lol but that didn't end up happening. and it was supposed to be half of the length so even though this is insanely long, i absolutely love how it turned out and i'm so proud of this one.
> 
> anyways, i hope you enjoy it! this one is incredibly close to my heart and it means the world to me that you are all still reading my stuff honestly hehe

Her hands laid in her lap as she scratched off the black nail polish that was starting to chip away, it was one of her bad habits that she couldn’t seem to shake. She figures it’s better than biting her nails, which was what she used to do when she was a kid and wasn’t allowed to wear nail polish. Keeping her eyes trained on the green blades of grass underneath her as she did everything she could to avoid the question that she couldn’t ignore forever.

The pair sitting across from each other knew the answer to his question, it was merely the fact that it was finally time to vocalize her feelings. For years now she had done everything in her power to suppress the growing adoration she had for a certain curly-haired boy that has been in her life for as long as she could breathe. But she couldn’t in her right mind make herself admit the truth.

If she found the courage to tell someone, anyone, what was trapped in her heart it would simply lead her to a life of heartache. Somewhere in one of her many journals, she would write in growing up there was this list. It probably exceeded one hundred points of reasons why she had fallen in love with her best friend. That list always made her giddy and happy, as she had always known that he was the one for her; like two souls connected from the very beginning and fated for the most amazing love story.

However, if you flipped towards the end of that journal there was another list. One that she hated looking at because it was a painful reminder of why she couldn’t love him – at least not in the way that she does.

Regardless of the fact that her first list had more points, the second list would always be the stronger and weightier one of the two. It held pain and envy as she watched him grow into this wonderful man as she sat on the sidelines. It held sorrow and grief for the relationship that could never happen. It held melancholy and despair for the one thing she always desired.

Everyone that grew to know the pair always said that they were destined to be the best of friends. When their moms were in high school, they were practically inseparable. And as they grew older and moved on with their lives, they still remained best friends. So, when it was revealed both of their parents were going to have a child, they just knew that their kids would grow to love each other, and be there for one another; just like they had been.

Whether they liked it or not, they grew up together. They played with their toys at the age of two, ran around the garden at four, pushed each other on the swings at the park at nine. There was nothing that they did, that they didn’t do together.

It was a matter of time before she realized that what she had felt in her heart wasn’t solely friendship. There wasn’t a significant moment where she knew, rather it was a combination of all of their moments. It felt as if every memory they had shared was shoved into one big balloon inside of her and then suddenly one day, it popped. She fell in love with her best friend, as cheesy as it might sound.

And yet, after all these years, she has never once said it aloud. Not for anyone to hear, not even for herself to hear.

Now, sitting in front of her elementary school underneath the same tree that they used to play under when they were kids, across from one of her longest friends she feels her heart beginning to palpitate. And it wasn’t because of excitement or anticipation, rather anxiety and fear. The weighted question her friend had posed was starting to eat away at her mind, having suppressed it for so long that now it was finally coming to light and it made her hurt all over again.

She picks up her head to look over at the building, the name of the school in big, white letters as it stared back at her. A memory from the first day of school flashes through her mind, her lips quirk up at the corners at the thought. Thinking back to the times that were simpler, where everything made sense and she was blind to the harsh reality that was the world.

Sinking her teeth into her bottom lip, she gulps down a lump in her throat as her vision begins to blur with tears. Wiping away at her eyes aggressively, not wanting any of her tears to fall. Finding the courage, she looked her friend in the eye, his blue eyes bore into her dark ones as he was trying to read what was going on in her mind. Desperately trying to relieve the girl of all of the emotions that were coursing through her, knowing how hard this must be.

“I shouldn’t be,” She whimpers, sniffling a little as her heart beats so loudly that it was pounding in her ears, “And yet?” Pressing her lips together as they quiver, squeezing the boy’s hand that was grasping onto her own. “I am.”

* * *

_“I don’t want to go!” Nini cries, tears starting to well up in her eyes as she digs her heels into the concrete and pulling on her mom’s arm begging to let them go back home._

_The small little girl was dressed in a jean skirt paired with a white t-shirt that read ‘little lady’ in gold and sparkly cursive, the girl begrudgingly picked out her outfit the night before. Her dark long hair fell over her shoulders, a couple purple clips swept her bangs out of her eyes. And she had a pink Disney Princess backpack hiked over her shoulders, as she gripped on tightly to her mom’s palm, her handmade bracelet was dangling from her small wrist._

_Carol deeply sighs trying to keep her composure together for her daughter’s sake, looking over at Dana who was standing on the other side of her, the pair silently communicating with their eyes. Both women could feel their hearts cracking at their daughter’s reaction. They did everything they could to prepare for this day, but Carol and Dana didn’t realize how difficult it was actually going to be, especially considering Nini’s attitude the last week._

_It was Nini’s first day of kindergarten and they’ve all been dreading the day. Ever since Dana had gone to register Nini a few weeks earlier, it dawned on them that their little girl was growing up way too fast for their liking. Even though it was just her first day of school, the next thing they know their daughter was going off to her first dance, having her first kiss, first boyfriend, high school, graduation, college. And they couldn’t bear to even think that their little girl was going to be leaving their nest. Dana’s mom reminded the two women that they still had years to go and they shouldn’t dwell too much on it._

_Meanwhile, Nini was very adamant about not attending kindergarten. The tiny brunette wanted to stay at home forever. She wanted to nuzzle up back in her favourite nook, playing with her favourite dolls and puzzles. Wanting to be in a comfortable and familiar place, not some strange and new school where she had to meet so many new people. Mostly, she was afraid no one was going to like her and she wouldn’t make a single friend._

_Crouching down to her daughter’s height, “You’re going to learn so many things, sweetie.” She reassures her._

_Dana runs her hand through Nini’s dark hair, “Yeah, you’re going to have so much fun and you get to play with toys and make some friends.”_

_“I don’t wanna make friends!” She pouts, sticking her bottom lip out as far as possible._

_“Why not?” Dana asks, tucking a strand of hair behind her daughter’s ear, smiling at the earring that was sparkling because of the sun. The small diamond stud that used to decorate the small girl’s ear was now replaced with a jewel-encrusted ladybug that the Bowen’s had given her for her fourth birthday, picked out by Ricky._

_Whenever Ricky and Nini would play out in the garden, they always managed to find new bugs to poke and prod. One of Nini’s favourites was the ladybug, which led to Ricky calling her ladybug, or bug for short. Sometimes Nini would call Ricky bug, but it was incredibly rare thinking it was a little strange. But she didn’t mind the nicknames he’s given her, chalked it out to be a best friends thing._

_Ever since Nini and Ricky could breathe, the pair were the best of friends. Well, that’s what their moms would always say. Nini was always by Ricky’s side, constantly at one of the other’s houses even in the early months of their lives. Not like they had much of a choice, since their parents seemed to always be hanging out, and if needed Lynne would watch Nini or the other way around._

_It was inevitable that they would be attached to the hip — and that stood true to that day._

_As Nini’s vision started to blur with tears continuing to beg, she didn’t see her best friend coming up next to her with his parents in tow. The Bowens immediately noticed Nini’s demeanour was completely opposite to that of their young son. Ricky, on the other hand, was extremely thrilled to go to school._

_Ever since they started shopping for school, he would gush about how he was excited to go. And the night before as he was getting ready for bed, Ricky couldn’t stop asking questions what school was like, and what he was going to learn and what things he was going to be able to do. Lynne had called up her best friends after he was tucked away for bed and told them all about it, and they joked about how their children could be polar opposites despite being the best of friends._

_“Why’re you crying?” Ricky asks his words slurring together slightly due to his lisp._

_Ever since Ricky started learning how to talk, he had a little trouble saying certain letters, namely the vowels – A’s especially. It was the main reason Nina had started going by Nini. The young girl did try to correct the boy, enunciating the A at the end every time he said her name for a few weeks, but Ricky simply couldn’t make his mouth form the same sound._

_After a few days of Ricky’s poor attempts, Nini had just let the nickname slip off of his tongue. Now every time she was introduced to someone new she would plaster on a bright toothy smile, sticking her hand out for them to shake, introducing herself as Nini._

_Turning her head to look at her best friend, “I don’t want to go.” She sniffles, a sad expression taking over her face. “I’m scared,” Nini admits, wiping at her eyes._

_Ricky’s face mirrored hers as he takes her hand, “Don’t be scared. You have me!” He smiles cheekily at her hoping to lighten her mood._

_Nini’s bottom lip quivers as she looks up at the four parents standing over them. “O-Okay…” She trails off, still teary-eyed and nervous. “You won’t leave me, right?” She whimpers._

_His small hand finds hers, locking their fingers together as he squeezes her hand in reassurance. “Never!” He exclaims with a triumphant look on his face, “You’re my best friend!”_

_“Okay.” Nini nods more confidently, wiping away her tears with her fingers, “I’m ready.” Looking up at the four adults, the parents smiling down at their kids all incredibly proud of the pair in front of them._

_“Then, let’s get you guys in, hm?” Mike hums, ruffling Ricky’s curls teasingly before guiding them towards the school doors._

_Dana and Carol link arms on each side of Lynne, the three girls watching their kids as they talk to each other. Mostly Ricky, trying to get Nini’s mind off of what was going to come of their day by talking all about his new Finding Nemo DVD and how he was so excited for them to watch it after school._

_“Lynne, your son is a miracle worker.” Carol pipes up, tightening her grip on her friend._

_“Don’t be ridiculous.” Lynne laughs, knocking her hip into Carol’s lightly, “Have you met Ricky? He’s an absolute train wreck. Bumping into just about everything.”_

_The women burst into laughter as they recall every moment that Ricky has tripped over himself and knocked things and people off balance. He was a little bit of a klutz if they were all being honest. One of the many things that they loved about the boy._

_“I love that they’re best friends.” Dana smiles looking on at the two kids skipping alongside Mike, “I hope they grow up to be as close as we are.”_

* * *

Nini gripped tighter onto the chains of her swing as she flew through the air, watching as the world around her got smaller and larger with every move her swing took her. The park was completely deserted asides from the pair on their respective swings, which wasn’t all that strange considering it was nearing midnight.

For Nini and Ricky, this park held so many memories that they couldn’t even count. They’ve been coming to the same park ever since they were kids. It was halfway in between their houses, and they would come just about every Sunday. Usually, their moms would be sitting at one of the picnic tables underneath the gazebo while they would chat up a storm and keep an eye on the younger kids.

Neither hasn’t said much since Ricky had gone over to pick Nini up after a long day with his grandparents. Most of their walk over was filled with Ricky kicking rocks, while Nini’s focus was on anything aside from her best friend. Ricky immediately picked up on Nini’s mood the second she had opened her door. Her smile, or lack thereof, was a dead giveaway. There was something on her mind that’s bothering her, but he decided not to comment right away giving her a little bit of time to find the strength to tell him.

“Do you remember when we were kids,” Ricky starts, his own swinging starting to slow down as he looks over at the petite girl flying through the dark night, “You couldn’t start swinging on your own, so you always begged me to push you?”

The pair erupt in soft laughter, “Yeah,” Nini nods, her swing starting to slow down as well. “But that’s only because I had really short legs and I couldn’t reach the ground.” She defends.

“You still do!” Her eyes catch Ricky’s, causing her laughter to fall short.

Silence falls around them once more, their swings now coming to a full stop. Nini planting the tips of her toes into the ground as she slowly sways from side to side as she looks over at Ricky who was staring her down. It was obvious that he was trying to read what was on her mind, but Nini wasn’t going to let up the truth any time soon.

After Big Red had dropped her off at her house a few nights ago, her mind wouldn’t stop running. She knew he was right and that she needed to tell Ricky the truth, if not for shooting her shot but for her sanity. It felt as if they had this entire relationship based on ‘what-ifs’ and she was scared of all the negative connotations that she came up with.

There were just too many complications and risks for her to confess any feelings that would go beyond friendship. It wasn’t the right time, Nini knows that. She’s known for the longest time, and knows that it was one of the main reasons she hadn’t said anything to her best friend, now and back then.

In all those young adult romance novels, she used to read in high school, and even now, she’s always pictured this perfect love story. She always fantasized for her life to be like the ones in the books, despite it being a complete shot in the dark. Those stories were never realistic, they aren’t a mirror image of any one person in society. Not everyone has this enemy that turns to their lover, not everyone fake dates this boy and ends up falling for them, not everyone falls for the bad boy or the cute boy next door. Not everyone falls in love with their childhood best friend and everything is smooth sailing.

She wished she was the exception, but this is reality.

“What’s on your mind, bug?” Ricky asks, breaking her out of her thoughts.

Tilting her head to the side, she hums lowly, “What do you mean?”

“Well,” Ricky turns his swing to fully face her, twisting the chains once around as he stares into her dark eyes, “You’ve been strangely quiet since I picked you up. This can mean one of three things.” He pauses, lifting his hand to put up one finger indicating his first point. “One. Something’s really bothering you and you’re letting it eat away at your mind. Or two. I did something to make you mad at me, which I don’t know what it could be. Trust me I ran through the last few weeks in my head and I’ve been nothing but amazing.”

Nini rolls her eyes at his comment, shaking her head as the pair lightly chuckle. “What’s the third?” She asks, leaning to the left resting her head on one of the chains.

The boy’s face breaks into a smile as he pokes his toe into her calf, “You realized you talk too much, so you decided to shut up tonight.”

“Ricky!” Nini shouts the loudest either of them has been all night. Her leg shoots out to kick him in the knee.

“I’m kidding!” He lets out a loud laugh, keeping his entire attention on the girl, “Sort of.” He smiles sheepishly.

Scrunching her nose at his response, she falls silent. Turning her attention back to the sand, digging her sneaker-clad toe into the grainy powder. She was certain that she couldn’t tell him the truth, but what could she tell him? At least to get him off her back for a while.

“Nini.” Ricky’s voice comes out in a soft tone.

When you grow up with someone, you learn so much about each other probably more than you actually know about yourself. It’s easier to see who a person is than the person that you see in a mirror. You understand them in a way not many people do. And Nini and Ricky weren’t any different from that fact.

All their life, they knew what made the other tick, what could piss them off to no end. They knew their insecurities and anxieties, whether that’d be with grades, going to college, body image, self-doubt, whether they were good enough. But they also knew when the other was happy, from the bright smile to their contagious laughter. They knew when they needed to vent or a shoulder to cry on. They didn’t always need to communicate with words to know what the other needed.

It was as if they could read each other like an open book.

And it was both a blessing and a curse. Nini loved that she didn’t need to say a word for Ricky to know that she was sad or upset about something. But other times, like today, she hated that he would press for the truth. Not wanting them to hide anything from each other as they had promised many moons ago.

When they were kids he promised he’d always catch her when she falls. At the time, they didn’t realize the weight of that statement. But it stood true, he was always there to pick her up when she’s down. He never let her fall, both physically and metaphorically.

What Ricky didn’t account for was her falling in love with him.

He caught her, without realizing that he did. And now that she’s fallen, she knows that she can’t get back up.

She lifts a shoulder in a half shrug, “It’s nothing bad,” She tells him, “I just don’t know if I can talk about it right now.” Picking her head up to look him in the eye, seeing concern written all over his face.

Ricky softens as he sees her expression. Giving the girl a curt nod, he immediately drops the question, standing up he dusts imaginary dirt off of his jeans. His hand shoots out in her direction, encouraging her to take hold of it.

Shooting him a confused look, Ricky chuckles as he wraps his fingers around hers pulling on her hand. “Monkey bars time, Ni.”

“But what if I fall?” She sticks her bottom lip out as far as she could.

The pair knew that Nini was just joking. Considering that they were now almost seniors in college and the fall wouldn’t even be that significant since that would only be realistically a foot off the ground. And she’s successfully completed the monkey bars a thousand times by now. Plus, it wouldn’t have been Nini’s first time falling off the monkey bars.

“I’ll catch you.” Ricky smiles, squeezing her fingers three times, “I’ll always catch you, bug.”

* * *

_Every weekend that past month, Ricky has been trying to convince Nini to get on the monkey bars, constantly telling her how fun it was to swing from one end to the other. But the small girl was far too nervous, thinking that she wouldn’t be able to make it across and would just end up on the ground, hurt and in pain. That was simply something that she wouldn’t subject herself to._

_The seven-year-old pouted down at her best friend who was standing in the sand below her, arms crossed over her chest as she tried to convince him not to make her do it for the fourth weekend in a row. But Ricky seemed to be more determined this time around. The young boy not quite understanding what there was to be afraid of._

_“Come on, Nini!” Ricky encourages, his smile now deflating as they bickered back and forth beginning to grow frustrated with his best friend. “It’s not that hard!” He enunciates, his lisp having gone away for a few months when they entered second grade, but came back as soon as he lost his front tooth._

_“You don’t know that!” Nini shakes her head defiantly, her pigtails whipping around her face as her head moves from side to side._

_Ricky walks over to where she was standing and takes hold of her ankle grabbing her attention. “There’s only like 10 bars. Just count to 10 and before you know it, you’re at the other end.” Sticking his arm out gesturing towards the other end of the blue bars._

_The young girl looks over to the blue metal bars, a lump forming in her throat taking a few steps forward, “I can’t do it, Ricky.” She mutters quietly, faltering back._

_“Yes, you can.” He squeezes her ankle three times before taking a few steps back, “If I can do it, you can do it.”_

_“B-but what if I fall?”_

_“It’s not that far of a fall, Nini.”_

_Her shoulders drop at his comment as an unimpressive look takes over her face. No one in their right mind would say something so thoughtless when she outright told him that she was scared of falling. But she shouldn’t be surprised, her best friend does speak before his brain has time to catch up to it sometimes._

_“Ricky!” Her face paled._

_He ignores her remark and a bright smile makes its way onto his face as he giddily starts to speak again. “I’ll catch you!” Ricky jumps, throwing his arms in the air, mocking the way he would catch her if she did in fact fall._

_Narrowing her eyes at the boy below her, “Are you sure?” A little skeptical by his certainty._

_Ricky nods confidently, “I will always catch you, bug.”_

_Taking in a deep breath, she takes a few weary steps to the edge of the platform she was standing on. Her small little arms reach up to take a hold of the first blue bar, her toes now teetering on the edge of the gym set she lets her arms and knees fall a little slack, holding up the weight of her body but not quite leaving the platform yet. Chancing a glance to her curly-haired best friend whose arms were slightly in the air just in case she did fall, Nini couldn’t help but send him a smile, albeit a nervous one but a smile nonetheless._

_Finally letting one foot leave the platform, she lets it dangle testing if she could hold up the entirety of her weight. Once she sees that she could manage her weight, she lets her other foot fall free. The only thing keeping her up was her hands that were wrapped tightly around the blue bar. Pressing her lips together, breathing in through her nose as she dangles there not quite sure what to do next._

_“I don’t know how to do this.” Nini manages to let out, as she tightens her grip on the bar staring up at her small hands._

_Out of nowhere, Nini feels Ricky’s hands come up to hold her calves swinging her slightly as she hangs from the monkey bars. “It’s easier if you’re not still.” His voice coming from below, Nini now refusing to look down scared that if she did she’d chicken out and just let go. “Swing a little, and when you’re swinging let one hand move to the next bar.”_

_Poking her tongue into her cheek as she listens to his instructions, frowning at the part where she had to take a hand off of the bar. But she saw this coming in, having watched Ricky race across the bars a thousand times, that now he didn’t need to stop at each bar with two hands. Recalling all the time Ricky has done it, she tries to copy his motions in her head directing her attention on the second bar before her._

_As Nini continues to sway, she feels Ricky’s hands leave her legs giving her enough space to move to the next bar. Taking in a breath, she swings her body forward and lets a hand leave the first bar and move it onto the next one. The young girl surprised that she actually did it, swinging again she moves her left hand to the next bar._

_“I did it!” She exclaims._

_“Yes, you did!” Ricky laughs, “Okay, Ni, you can do the next one!”_

_Poking her tongue out slightly, focusing on swinging her body across the bars she makes it just about halfway. It was a lot slower than what she’s seen Ricky do, but for her first time she was quite impressed with herself. She could hear their moms cheering her on from the side of the park, having been watching the pair as soon as they saw Nini step up to the monkey bars but giving the pair space not wanting to smother them._

_As she tries to move to the next bar, she feels her grip beginning to loosen and her arms beginning to shake. Trying her best to reach back up with the hand that’s fallen to grab the bar again, a poor attempt to pull herself back into position. Her fingers start to slip as she does everything she could to get up again._

_“Ricky!” She yells before her fingers let go of the bar and gravity doing its work and it drags her down to the ground._

_Bracing herself for impact, she shuts her eyes tightly but instead of the grainy sand that she was expecting to land on, she comes down on a solid body. Ricky tried his best to catch his best friend like he promised, but of course, they were only seven years old and he didn’t have the strength to catch her like he imagined. The pair immediately fall down onto the ground as soon as her body comes into contact with his. Ricky’s arms snaking around her waist as they fall over, both letting out a groan at the sudden impact._

_Opening her eyes, she leans her head back staring up at the blue bars and the clouds that scattered the blue sky. Letting out a sigh as she rolls off of Ricky’s body and lies next to him on the sand, she turns her head to look at him. The boy himself was blinking his eyes open, having been a little startled by the girl’s weight falling on top of him._

_“See,” Ricky manages to get out, “I told you I would catch you.”_

_“You didn’t catch me, loser.” Nini’s hand comes up to smack his stomach, “I fell on you.”_

_“Same thing.” Ricky rolls his eyes, the pair beginning to sit up as laughter falls from their lips._

_Carol and Lynne made their way over, making sure the two kids were alright. Bringing both Ricky and Nini to their feet, dusting off all the sand that was sticking to their clothes, skin and even their hair, their eyes grazing over to make sure neither of them had any major injuries to tend to._

_“Mama,” Nini shoots her mom a toothy grin, “Did you see that?! I almost did it!” She giggles._

_The two older women chuckle at their children’s bright smiles, realizing that they weren’t hurt but rather quite proud. Nini and Ricky high five for Nini’s accomplishment, as Ricky starts to go on and on about how she’ll be able to get through all the monkey bars in no time._

* * *

“Can we pretend we don’t have to go back to reality tomorrow?” Ricky asks, one of his hands was tucked underneath his head while the other rested on his stomach.

Nini looked over to her bed where the boy had made himself at home, as she sat on the floor folding her newly washed clothes. Tugging on one of her shirts from the pile, she examines it for a beat wondering if she should pack it into her suitcase. It was going to be winter in New York before she knew it, so she needed to leave as many summer clothes as she could despite how cute her summer closet is.

As of tomorrow, both Nini and Ricky would be getting on an airplane as they get ready and head back for their final year of college. If Nini was being honest, she was a little upset that she’d have to leave home for the fourth year in a row. Moving away for school was going to be a challenge that much she was aware of, but in her heart, she knew it was going to be so worth it.

In her Freshman year, she fell in love with New York. If rent wasn’t so expensive, she’d consider living in the Big Apple come graduation. As of right now, she wasn’t exactly sure where she was going to be once May hits. But one thing she was sure of was that she’d be coming home to Salt Lake at least until she figured things out.

“Pretending never got us anywhere good.” She reminds him, shifting to sit up on her knees and lean over her suitcase pushing down on some of the clothes while counting the number of shirts she had packed away. “Why don’t you want to go back? It’s our senior year, Dory.”

“Nini!” One of her decorative pillows comes flying at her head, nearly toppling the girl over causing Nini to glare at her best friend. “Can you not with that nickname?” He scoffs, turning on his side supporting his head up with one of his hands.

“It’s cute!” Nini defends, throwing the pillow back at Ricky only for him to catch it and hug the cushion to his chest.

When they were younger, Ricky was the type to forget just about everything. From homework to plans and even birthdays. It used to annoy Nini how absentminded her best friend was, but she figured it was one of the things she loved about him. Even though he’d forget the small things, he somehow managed to remember the important things at least when it came to her. He never once forgot her birthday or a recital or show, always making sure to send a bouquet of flowers for her to receive backstage.

But that didn’t mean that he didn’t deserve the nickname. Sometimes when they would be on the phone or in a Facetime call, he’d frantically mutter out a curse having forgotten that he was supposed to meet up with a friend of his or had homework that needed to be done for class the next day. He wasn’t exactly good with dates, always confusing the days of the week. She wasn’t sure how he managed to get this far in college without missing an assignment.

He rolls his eyes at Nini’s response, “I really don’t think me being forgetful qualifies as being cute, Ni.”

Nini shakes her head, grabbing a pile of clothes that were neatly folded next to her as she strategically places them in her suitcase. Deciding that what she had was enough for now, and moved to fold the rest of her laundry as she leaned her back against the nightstand that was next to her bed.

“You’re too much like Dory.” She giggles, reaching up to poke his cheek teasingly before she grabs another pair of jeans to fold.

“No, no, no,” Ricky pushes at her head repeatedly, causing Nini to swat his hand away from her focusing her attention on the clothes in front of her. “I should be named after the turtle, he was so cool.” He nods in approval to himself.

“Crush or Squirt?” Nini lets out a hearty laugh, raising her head to look up at Ricky.

His face contorts, scoffing at her response and he pushes at her head one more time before he sits up to lean against the headboard of her bed. The pillow she had thrown at him earlier was still enveloped into his chest.

“You can’t call me Squirt,” Ricky points out staring off at the posters that were plastered across the wall in front of him. Remembering that he had bought some of them for her, mainly the Harry Potter ones, and especially the Finding Nemo one, a significant film in their relationship.

“You’re too small to be calling me Squirt.”

“I am _not_ calling you Crush.” She giggles, setting another folded article of clothing onto the pile next to her. “People might get the wrong idea.” Nini cringes at her response, realizing her comment may have been a little over the line.

Thankfully, Ricky didn’t really pay much mind to her remark. Instead, he lets out a deep sigh like he didn’t hear a single word that had come from her mouth which was probably the case. At the sound of his exhale, Nini chances a glance to her best friend. He seemed to have zoned out in the middle of their conversation, focusing his entire attention on the wall in front of him.

Nini nods to herself, as she gets up from her spot on the floor and grabs her laptop off her desk. Settling down next to Ricky, a little space left in between them for her sanity, but not too much space that he would question it. Prying her laptop open, she fiddles around on the device as she opens a few folders.

Curiously, Ricky looks over at Nini to see their favourite movie pulled up on the screen that sat on her lap. A small smile makes its way onto his face, as he shifts into a more comfortable position as the beginning scenes of the movie start to play.

The pair fell into complete silence as the movie went on. But after half an hour passes, Nini figures it was worth a shot in getting into her friend’s head. “Are you going to tell me what’s on your mind?” Nini asks, not bothering to pause the film.

Biting the inside of his cheek, a bad habit he’s had ever since they were kids. He lets out another deep sigh before turning slightly to face Nini once more but not quite looking her in the eye. “It’s just,” He scrunches his nose slightly as he tries to form the words in his head, “Tomorrow.”

“What about tomorrow?” She places her hand on his arm squeezing it in encouragement.

“What do you mean, Nini?” He locks eyes with the girl in front of him. The expression on his face completely distraught that Nini wasn’t on the same wavelength as him, like it pained him to think that the events of tomorrow were meaningless. “We’re apart. _Again_. You can’t tell me that didn’t cross your mind.”

A sad pout was evident on her face as she shrugs her shoulders. Bringing her hand back into her lap pausing the movie as she sets the computer off to the side. Crossing her legs over each other as she shifts to face her best friend, she fiddles with her fingers in her lap for a moment.

“It’s nothing that we haven’t done before.” She reminds him.

“But it doesn’t make it suck any less.” Ricky breathes out, one of his hands flying out to stress his point.

She felt her heartbeat quicken at his words. A shy smile appears on her face, thinking about the fact that it wasn’t just her having those feelings. It was hard being in love with her best friend and having strong feelings every time they went separate ways at the end of holidays. In her head, she always thought that Ricky didn’t feel the gut-wrenching pain every time he would turn in a different direction at the airport as he would make his way to his gate. But with his admission, she could see that it was tearing him up just as much.

Pressing her lips together into a firm line, looking up at her best friend, “No, it doesn’t.” She shakes her head, “We’ve gone years apart, and I’m still here. Everything around us might be changing, but I’m still your best friend and that’s not going to change any time soon.”

Ricky nods, pulling Nini into his chest wrapping his arms around her petite frame. Pressing his lips against her forehead before resting his chin atop her head. “I love you, Ni.”

She sighs as she embraces the moment, knowing she won’t be able to hold her best friend for another few months after tomorrow. “Love you too, Ricky.” She mumbles into his shirt, nestling her head into his neck as he tightens his arms around her.

If only he knew she meant it much more than he ever will.

* * *

_“Ricky?” A twelve-year-old Nini asks._

_The young boy looked over at his best friend, a spoon hanging from his mouth as he shovelled as much jello as he could fit. Sucking it through his teeth - his absolute favourite way to eat it. He doesn’t say anything but motions for her to continue as he continues to eat the gelatinous dessert as the television played in front of them. He doesn’t bother to turn to face her, keeping his body facing the TV, thinking that whatever she was going to say next was probably a mindless thought she suddenly had._

_“Who’s your best friend?” She questions, staring down at her jello cup that was resting in her lap._

_Ricky chokes slightly on the jello that was sliding down his throat, taken aback by her question retracting the spoon from his mouth. “You are, Ni. You know that.” He answers simply, falling further into the couch as he keeps his attention on the girl beside him._

_The small girl pouts slightly, looking down at her own jello cup as she poked it leaving behind crescent indents, “Not Big Red?” She questions quietly, “He’s a boy, and I’m a girl. Shouldn’t your best friend be a boy?”_

_“What?” Ricky asks completely confused, his hands falling limp into his lap._

_“I heard Tony and Bryan at recess today.” Nini confesses, refusing to look up at her best friend, “They were making fun of you because we’re friends. And they were saying your best friend can’t be a girl because guys and girls can’t be just friends. Do you think that’s true?”_

_The gears started to click in his head, realizing where the girl was beginning to come from, “No!” Ricky asserts. “Nini, come on, don’t be ridiculous. Those guys are just trying to start something that isn’t even there. They’re dumb and probably just jealous and simple-minded. Don’t listen to them, they don’t know what they’re talking about.”_

_“Are you sure?” Nini whimpers._

_“100%” Ricky claims, “Plus, I could never trade you for Big Red. He can’t drink milkshakes because he’s lactose intolerant, and I don’t think he’d want to watch Finding Nemo with me all the time.”_

_Nini lets out a laugh, tilting her head up to see their favourite movie being played on the screen. It has become a tradition for the pair to watch Finding Nemo at least once a month and especially on the first day of school ever since that day in kindergarten. They were still using Ricky’s old DVD, there were now a few scratches considering that four-year old Ricky and Nini didn’t really understand that they had to put the disc back in the case for its own protection, usually letting it sit on top of the DVD player carelessly._

_Finding Nemo had become the pair’s escape. It was a strange film to be their comfort movie, but as the years had gone on it had crawled into their hearts. Whenever either of them were in a sour mood, whether it was because of a school grade or they had gotten into an argument with their parents they would turn to each other and they would immediately know what movie to play. Both of them were the type to let their feelings and thoughts fester in their mind, not wanting to talk things out and having a hard time putting their thoughts into words. Which is a big reason they worked so well together._

_Taking another bite of her orange jello, after a few moments Nini knocks her shoulder into his, “I’m really your best friend?” She asks with a small grin making its way onto her face._

_“Yeah, I can’t believe you would think otherwise. No one will ever get me like you do.” He nudges her with his knee lightheartedly. “No matter what bug, you’ll always be my best friend.”_

_Nini’s tongue darts out quickly, licking her lips as she hears the sudden change in Ricky’s tone. “Ricky…” She starts, gulping down a lump that was beginning to form in her throat._

_Then there were the times where not talking about things was a great downfall. The pair have been scooting around a certain topic the last few weeks now, and neither were really sure when they were going to talk about it. Nini has tried a handful of times, but Ricky constantly shot her down changing the topic or doing something absolutely ridiculous to avoid it._

_Both were afraid about what the other was going to say. Afraid what was going to happen after they did talk about it. Afraid that things were going to change between them. And most of all, they were afraid that they were going to lose their best friend forever._

_“Don’t.” Ricky shakes his head, shifting slightly as he tucks one of his legs underneath himself, “Pretend with me, please.”_

_“We can’t pretend forever.” Nini tells him, a sad and soft tone evident in her voice as she picks up her head to look her best friend in the eye. “You know that.”_

_“But, we can for right now.” He gulps._

_Ricky’s face was crestfallen as they looked into each other’s eyes, quietly knowing exactly what the other was thinking about. The boy silently begged her to pretend just for a little while longer, like things weren’t about to change._

_Then again, that’s a part of growing up. Where their childhood starts to fade and the reality of the world begins to take over. Pressuring them to face the truth of the world, where it comes with a thousand bumps in the road, so many that you try your best to absolutely avoid every single one of them. But each time, without fail, you trip and you fall and you're faced with the harsh reality that not everything is as simple as it is in movies._

_Problems arise, and you have to face it head on. Whether you like it or not. This event was the first of many that Ricky and Nini were going to face. Just about to enter their teenage years, and neither were certain of what was to come of it. Their future was a blur, and neither, especially Ricky, wanted to face it quite yet. Wanting to put their lives on pause forever, but they knew that wasn’t how the world works._

_“For now.” Nini nods quietly, “But we do have to talk about it.”_

_“Soon.” Ricky’s hand makes its way onto Nini’s, squeezing her delicate hand in his reassuring her that everything he said today was true. “I promise.”_

* * *

Her hand was wrapped tightly around her purple carry-on as it rolled next to her, silently thanking her moms for buying her one that had four wheels or else she’d be tripping the thousands of people walking through the airport. Looking up at Ricky who was walking next to her, pulling his own suitcase with him as his other hand was brushing against hers.

Neither had said much to each other on the way over to the airport. The silence in the car was filled with Nini’s moms chatting away. The two young adults in the back seat stared out the window, her moms occasionally pulled them into the conversation asking the pair about their plans for the semester. But noting how the two friends were quieter than usual, having done the airport drop off more times than they could count and were far too familiar why they weren’t their usual bubbly selves.

Slowly they approached her gate, finding a place to sit for the both of them. It was like this unspoken agreement that whenever they would fly back for college, they would make sure to schedule their flights on the same day. And whoever’s flight took off first, usually Nini’s, they would sit at their gate until it was time for them to board.

Typically, they would try and distract themselves from their impending separation. Today for some reason it felt more dreadful than their last one. Ricky couldn’t quite point out why that was the case. But Nini on the other hand, at least for her, knew why this time was a little more painful than the last few years.

This was probably going to be their last year flying across the state, sitting in the awfully uncomfortable leather seats, while they sipped on coffee and mentally prepared themselves for the school year ahead. To Nini’s knowledge, Ricky plans on staying in Chicago after graduation, and once their school year ends she won’t know when the next time she is ever going to see him.

Their friendship won’t fade because of the distance, both of them were aware of that. They’ve mastered years of having miles in between them, but it was the fact that there was no certainty for Ricky’s next visit to Salt Lake. And now that they are growing up, they both have their own separate lives to attend to. Especially in regard to developing their own personal careers, Nini in journalism and Ricky’s in engineering; it was difficult to say when they’d be in the same place, much less the same time zone, ever again.

“I’m excited to see Gina again,” Nini starts softly, knocking her shoulder into Ricky’s in an attempt to lighten the somber mood that was surrounding them. The pair not having said a word since the security line, with the exception when Ricky had asked for Nini’s gate number.

Ricky chuckles, shaking his head at his best friend in disbelief, “I can’t believe you guys ended up going to the same school.” He leans back into his seat making himself more comfortable in the dark blue leather seats, “She was my friend first!” He argues an evident pout on his face.

Turning her head up face the boy next to her, poking her tongue out teasingly, “She loves me more, though.” Nini points out.

His face contorts at her response, placing his hand on his chest dramatically, “I’ve been lied to?” He gasps.

Both attempt to hold the serious expression that was on both of their faces, but couldn’t hold it in as soon as their eyes locked. The pair erupt into a fit of laughter, Nini knocking her head into Ricky’s jaw lightly.

“God,” Ricky throws his arm over the back of Nini’s seat casually, “I haven’t seen Gina since like May, it feels like.”

“She misses you, you know?” Nini tells him, knowing the pair haven’t really seen each other ever since Gina had left for New York. “After you went to bed last night, I got to talk to her for a bit. She’s back in New York already, and we just got to talking about her and EJ and she asked how you were.”

“You talk about me?” He wiggles his eyebrows teasingly at the girl, a smug look taking over his face completely ignoring the second half of her story.

Nini rolls her eyes as she throws her hand into his stomach harmlessly, a sign to tell him to shut up. “Please, I know you talk about me.” She giggles, “I mean how could you not, I’m just that amazing.” Dramatically flipping her hair over her shoulder, emphasizing her statement.

Chancing a glance up at the boy, Ricky has a soft look on his face as he studies his best friend. She wasn’t dressed to impress to say the least. Her hair was tangled and a mess from running around all morning as she got everything ready for her flight. Completely decked out in a warm hoodie, knowing how cold the plane gets, and her favourite pair of leggings. The longing look on his face was making her slightly uncomfortable, considering there really wasn’t much to admire at the moment.

Pushing her tongue to press against her teeth, she stares back at her best friend trying to figure out what was running through his mind. He seemed to have zoned out, completely ignoring all the noise that was going on around them, his gaze completely fixed on her, his eyes travelling up and down her face.

The intercom fills the room, beginning to call for the passengers for the flights to New York. Looking over at the check-in desk, she sees the people sitting around them all start to get up despite half of them probably not being in the zone that they had just called. As she turns her attention back to Ricky, she notices he didn’t seem to be making a move any time soon.

Her hand comes to hold the one that was resting on his lap, bringing him out of his daze. Nini sends him a kind smile, “It’s time to start boarding.” She tells him.

Ricky lets out a deep breath, his body slightly slumping at what she had said as they start to collect their things. Walking her over to the long line that was starting to form, he wraps an arm around her shoulder letting it rest across the plane of her back playing with the ends of her hair.

A slight chuckle escapes Nini’s lips as she looks up at Ricky once they come to a full stop at the end of the line. Tilting her head all the way back, she sends Ricky a sad smile knowing that it was time for them to spend another four months apart.

“Promise me something?” Ricky starts.

“And what’s that?”

He presses his lips together for a moment before moving his hands to take a hold of both of her shoulders looking her dead in the eye. “Promise me you’ll take care of yourself.” The expression on his face was hard like a rock, immediately telling Nini that he wasn’t joking. “I don’t want to hear from Gina that you’ve neglected to eat a meal for three days or something. Make sure you’re eating and sleeping, and taking breaks, no overworking yourself.”

Her tongue darts out, wetting her lips feeling them start to dry up due to the cold air that was around them. “I promise.” She nods, taking a step forward as she wraps her arms around his torso tightly. “I’ll miss you, Ricky.”

“Try not to,” He whispers into her hair, as his arms come up to wrap around her petite frame. “You know that it makes this harder.”

“I’ve only been doing it for like ten years.” She giggles, feeling the pressure behind her eyes beginning to build but refusing to let any of her tears fall. “Love you, Ricky.”

“I love you, bug.” He drops a kiss to the top of her head before pulling back, “Text me when you land. I’ll see you at Christmas, okay?”

Nini nods, stepping out of his hold as she takes hold of her suitcase once more, moving down the line following the people that were slowly approaching the aircraft. Turning back for a moment to look back at the boy, she sends him a small wave. Ricky returned the short wave, a small and sad smile was evident on his face.

Letting out a breath she didn’t realize she was holding. Plastering a smile on her face as she approaches the flight attendant, handing her the boarding pass and her passport. Once the woman scans it, she takes the items back, sliding the piece of paper into her passport. She turns around one last time, just like she always did before boarding, and she no longer sees Ricky’s curly hair standing there.

He knows how hard it was for her to get on the plane, especially when he was watching her. But it’s the exact same thing for him. Knowing that the other was watching them walk onto a plane to fly hundreds of miles away from each other was difficult. Every year since the first, they thought it was going to get easier. But for some reason it never did.

But, why was this year the hardest goodbye yet?

* * *

_It was the first week of August when citizens of Salt Lake were surprised by the weather forecast for the afternoon. A downpour was expected to be present from the afternoon until the late evening, which wasn’t a common occurrence for their quaint city. Most people would write it off as climate change or something ridiculous. But for a certain curly-haired teenage boy, he was convinced that the world was simply making matters worse by matching the weather to his current mood._

_His dad in the driver’s seat makes a quick left on a familiar street and immediately he feels his throat start to constrict as he thinks about what was going to come of today. Staring out his window, watching as another raindrop hits and slides down against the glass, just like he’d been doing ever since he had gotten into the car. Each house they would pass started to blur, barely able to keep up with the numbers on each house, he bites the inside of his cheek anxiously._

_And as if no time had passed, he feels the car starting to slow down as they approach his best friend’s house. His heart drops to his stomach, realizing that this was it. It wasn’t some stupid and silly nightmare he was going to wake up from in a few hours. This was happening, and there was absolutely nothing that he could do to stop it._

_Looking out the window as the car comes to a full stop, he sees a small girl sitting on her porch. Her knees were tucked into her chest, but he could still see that the sweater that she had decided to wear that afternoon was her favourite of his that he let her keep. Just like him, she looked distraught. Her chin rested on top of her knees, as she hugged her legs having been waiting for the blue Sedan to pull up._

_“Ricky.” His mom’s voice tears him out of his trance._

_His head turns to look at his mother that was sitting in front of him in the passenger seat. Her own eyes didn’t shine as bright as they usually did, as she sent a sympathetic smile. It was going to be a rough day, and every single one of them knew it._

_“We’re going to pick up a few things.” She tells him, “We’ll be back in an hour. Then it’s time to go.”_

_“Yeah.” He utters barely above a whisper barely making eye contact with her as he presses down on his seatbelt to set it free._

_Before he could open the door and make a run for the porch, his mother speaks up once more. “I’m really sorry, honey.” Her eyes practically screamed how apologetic she was. Everyone in the car knew that the situation was difficult for everyone, especially for the mother and son._

_Ricky nods, looking up to see Nini’s eyes trained on the car before her, just waiting for her best friend to emerge. “I know, Mom.” He sighs, pulling on the door’s handle and pushing it open._

_Lifting his hood to cover his messy curls, he shuts the Sedan’s door behind him as he runs the short distance up the driveway that he’s probably done over a hundred thousand times. Biting the inside of his cheek as he walks up the few steps and takes a careful seat next to his best friend sliding his hood off of his head once more._

_Neither of them say anything for a few minutes. They stare out to the road, where his car had just been not too long ago. The only sounds that could be heard was the rain hitting the ground as it continued to pour. The pitter patter didn’t soothe either of their minds, both feeling a little sullen and gloomy. Their mood was probably being enhanced by the weather that was surrounding them, it was quite ironic really._

_“I’m going to miss you.” Nini’s voice quivers as she whispers her confession, only just able to hear it over the sound of the rain._

_Earlier that year, Lynne had found out her company was promoting her, and as expected that came with some downfalls. They were moving her to Chicago, Illinois. Mike was absolutely thrilled about her promotion, knowing that this has always been her dream. But the couple knew that accepting the offer meant far more than what meets the eye. Obviously, Lynne didn’t want to leave her family behind, and after discussing their game plan at length, it was best to move their entire family out East. Mike was able to find a job in Chicago, not being too difficult considering there were a handful of jobs in software development. The only thing they had to do was get Ricky on board._

_In all honesty, Ricky never approved of the move. When his parents had set him down one night and broke the news to the teenager, he was upset and angry. He didn’t want to leave Salt Lake. All he’s ever known was Utah, he didn’t want to leave his school, his friends. He didn’t want to leave Nini. But since he was in fact a kid, he didn’t have much of a choice but to agree. For a few weeks, he did avoid the topic thinking that if he just didn’t think of it, then it would just disappear. As expected, that wasn’t the case._

_Reality started to kick in as the for sale sign went up in his front lawn and when his parents had flown out for a few days to visit the city, looking for a new home. During that time he had stayed at the Salazar-Roberts’ and that was when he truly realized it was happening. He had cried to Carol at an ungodly hour of the night, not wanting his best friend to see him in that way, telling her how unfair it was and how he didn’t want to go._

_And before he knew it, every room started to be filled with boxes as they slowly started to pack up their things. Picture frames came off the walls, their furniture covered in clear plastic wrap, their shelves becoming more barren as the days would go on. His room had gotten emptier and emptier, his trophies and medals from soccer and basketball now stored away._

_On one unexpected day, when Nini and Ricky were walking home from school. The pair giggling over something that happened at recess, Ricky stops in his tracks as the for sale sign had a big red ‘SOLD’ banner plastered across it. The boy’s heart completely shattered into pieces as he read it over and over again. Nini, despite how sad she was, took his hand and pulled him into the house and immediately pushed the Finding Nemo disc into the DVD player. She held Ricky in her arms as they watched the movie – three times in a row. Neither of them said a word that afternoon, both aware that this was inevitable. They couldn’t do anything to change that._

_“I’m going to miss you too.” His voice cracks at the end, letting the emotions he’s been pushing down shine through. Turning his head to look at Nini, noticing his best friend’s eyes starting to well up with tears._

_Immediately, he pulls her into a tight hug, her own arms encircling his neck as she holds onto him like her life depended on it. As if she was afraid to let go of her best friend – she was. Letting out a deep sigh, he drops his chin on top of her head, tucking her tightly into his chest, as thoughts begin to swarm both of their minds._

_“You’re coming for Christmas.” Ricky reminds her, “And I’ll be here next summer. It’ll be like I never even left.”_

_“You know that’s not true.” She mumbles into his shoulder, lifting her head to look up into his hazel eyes._

_His teeth sink into his bottom lip as he looks down at her. The girl’s hair was messy and tangled, her hair sticking to her left cheek from the tears that have been falling ever since he pulled her into his embrace. Lifting his hand to push some of her hair behind her ear, he cradles her cheek as he wipes a tear away._

_“I’m never going to replace you, Nini.” He promises, remembering a conversation they had a few months back. Nini was terrified that when he did move away, he was going to forget all about her and find some new best friend. But their bond was different. There was no way either of them could find a friendship that would be anything like theirs. Even if they tried, they knew no one would ever be able to compare._

_Nini nods her head timidly, “You promise to call?”_

_“Yes, yes, as long as you e-mail me everything that happens to you, Red, and Kourt. And every Friday, I promise to call.” He chuckles, his light demeanor dropping just under a few seconds, “I’m not going to lie to you, bug. Things are changing and I’m scared as hell.”_

_“I’m scared too.” Nini admits. “I hate growing up.”_

_“Me too.” He sighs, “You know I love you, right?”_

_The girl sniffles, “I love you too, Ricky.”_

_He pulls her into his embrace once more. “I’m going to miss you so much.” Tentatively and a little nervously, he drops a feather-like kiss to her forehead, neither quite expecting the gesture but embracing it nonetheless._

_Tightening her hold on her best friend, “I already do.”_

* * *

After a long flight, Ricky was thankful for the chance to be able to stretch out his long limbs as he walked through the airport making his way to the baggage claim. Turning his phone back on, he waits a few moments as it comes back to life, checking the carousel every few minutes to see that the bags haven’t started rolling in yet.

A short smile makes its way onto his face as he sees a text pop up from Nini sent about an hour or two before he landed. Sending her a quick text, letting her know that he made it safely and was just waiting on his bags. His thumbs hovered the keyboard for a moment, waiting to see if the three little dots were going to pop up indicating that she was typing. When it didn’t, he figures she was probably catching up with Gina and they had gone out for an early dinner.

Before he slides his phone back into his pocket, he sees the new photo that was displayed on his lock screen. It was of him and Nini at the beginning of summer. They had gone to a drive-in movie with Big Red and Kourtney and they were all waiting for the movie to begin. Jokingly, Ricky jumped onto his best friend’s back, causing the girl to nearly collapse underneath herself as she tried her best to support his weight. Big Red being the amazing photographer he was, took a few photos of the pair. They both had bright grins on their faces, making up for the darkness that surrounded them. Ricky could practically hear the laughter that was coming from the girl’s small frame, as she tried to wrap her arms underneath his thighs to carry him.

They were back together, and they were happy.

Dropping his phone into his pocket, he stares off into space reflecting on the summer he had. It was amazing to be back with Nini and spend time with her face to face, where he got to physically touch her and their conversations could last more than a few short hours. Ricky always looked forward to summer break for the sole reason to be in the same city as his best friend, in the same house where they had practically grown up.

The first school year they were apart was tough to say the least. Growing up they were glued at the hip. They did everything together, and then one day they were pulled apart. And it wasn’t like he was moving to a city an hour away from her, but a city in a completely different time zone and a thousand miles away. Neither were happy about it, but whenever they were back together whether that’d be in Salt Lake or in Chicago, they were happy.

It always hurt to know that there was an expiration date.

Sometimes Ricky wonders if there’ll ever be a day where they would be in the same place for longer than just a few weeks. That maybe they wouldn’t have to worry about saying goodbye again. Wouldn’t have to worry too much about each other because they would only be a short drive away, instead of an entire flight. And they could go back to a time where things were easier, when life wasn’t getting in the way of all the things they wished to explore.

Years ago, Ricky wished he never left Salt Lake. He pictures a thousand possibilities of where his life would’ve led him if he stayed in the city where he had grown up. There were so many scenarios he had conjured up that were just outright amazing. Like, being there for Big Red’s biggest achievement in getting his art displayed in city hall, or when Kourtney had won a fashion design competition, gaining her a scholarship to this amazing college in Los Angeles. And being by Nini’s side through everything would’ve been incredible to say the least.

But then he thinks of all the amazing things that Chicago had offered him. If he never moved to Salt Lake he never would’ve met EJ or Gina or Carlos, and Ashlyn. He never would’ve even considered applying to University of Chicago. Never would’ve landed his internship that was in the heart of the city.

His life would’ve been completely different. And if Ricky was being honest at all, he wasn’t sure he would trade his current life for the chance of staying in Salt Lake. There is no way to tell which course of life would’ve been the better one, but he’s happy with the one he’s lived.

Even if that meant being away from the one person he couldn’t live without.

The sound of the carousel starting to move startled Ricky out of his thoughts. Grazing over each of the luggage’s until he spotted his dark blue suitcase that matched his small carry-on. Pushing through the crowd, he takes a hold of the bag and yanks it to fall down onto the floor next to him. Thankful that he could still manage to lift his fifty pound luggage after not working out in weeks.

Walking out towards the platform where he knew EJ was waiting to pick him up. The warm summer air was still apparent since it was only the beginning of August. Unzipping his sweater, he shrugs it off as he sets it on one of his suitcases as he scans the cars that were lined up against the curb, in hopes to find his friend. The sounds of people reuniting with their loved ones, rolling of bags and business people on their phones chatting away with their work surrounded him.

It took him a few minutes before he spotted EJ’s truck, a few paces in front of him, he began to make his way over. As soon as Ricky was a few feet away from the truck, EJ’s figure popped out of the driver’s seat, probably having seen Ricky approach in the rearview mirror. EJ waved rather aggressively, looking like an oversized puppy, which Ricky couldn’t help but laugh at his excitement.

“Rickster!” EJ shouts excitedly.

Ricky lets out a loud laugh at the stupid nickname, tipping his head back as he comes to stand in front of his friend. The pair pull each other into a short bro-hug, Ricky patting EJ on the shoulder a few times. “It’s good to see you too, man.” He smiles, before taking a hold of his suitcases once more as they start to pile them into the back of the pick-up truck.

As EJ pulls out of the queue, and makes his way onto the highway, the pair chat aimlessly about their summers. EJ having started back up at college a month earlier than the rest of the students, to begin training for the football season that was coming up. He had delved into the first half of his summer where he had spent most of his time with Gina, even taking a short vacation to Florida for a week to check out Disney World. Ricky noticed the smile on his friend’s face, and it was clear to him that Disney was definitely his idea and not Gina’s.

As EJ was going on and on about his summer, Ricky’s phone vibrates in his pocket. Shifting in his position, slightly cursing to himself that he had shoved it into his front pocket, making it a little difficult for him to pull it out due to his position. He manages nonetheless, and as soon as he brings the screen to life he sees a text from Nini.

 _Nini_ : Happy to know you made it safely! Gina and I are staying up all night so don’t bug us lmao

 _Nini_ : Tell EJ I say hi!

Ricky rolls his eyes at the first text, “Your girlfriend is stealing my best friend from me.” Ricky grumbled, before quickly typing in a response. “Nini says hi, by the way.”

“How is Nini?” EJ inquires, raising an eyebrow at his friend before turning his attention back on the road.

“She’s good.” He nods shortly as he turns his phone off and sets it in one of the cup holders.

EJ’s face deflates at his response, turning his head to look at Ricky for a moment, “That’s all you have to say?” He blurts out, “You spent all summer with her and all you have to say is that she’s good?”

Taken aback by EJ’s outburst, he turns his head to look at the boy quizzically. Not quite sure what else EJ wanted to hear, basically everything that he had done that summer Nini was by his side. He didn’t really think there was much else to divulge in that area.

“What do you want me to say?” Ricky answers his question with his own, chuckling at his friend’s reaction.

“I don’t know,” EJ shrugs dramatically, “You spent the entire summer with your best friend, who is a girl, a pretty girl I might add. There is no fucking way you come back another summer and you’re not in love with her.”

“EJ!” Ricky reprimands as soon as he hears the words fall from his friend’s mouth, “It was a normal summer! We hung out at the park, went to some festivals, had family dinners and movie nights. We dyed her hair pink, almost got tattoos and I talked her out of a belly button piercing. Nothing different, no feelings, nothing out of the ordinary. Why are you so hung up on the idea that I’m in love with her or something?”

The raven-haired man rolls his eyes for what felt like the umpteenth time in all the years he has known Ricky and has had the exact same conversation with him. Years ago, EJ might have believed what Ricky was saying was true. That maybe the feelings that he was seeing were just mistaken because they had a bond like no other. But this year just felt like something was different, both boys could feel it but neither could pinpoint exactly what it was.

“You were at one point in your life.” EJ reminds him, his voice taking on a softer tone. “Those feelings don’t exactly go away.”

Biting the inside of his cheek at his friend’s words, trying to formulate a good response. Ricky turns his attention back to the dashboard, staring at the dust that was starting to collect near the air vents. What EJ had said was true, but he seems to forget that when he had admitted to feeling anything more than friendship with Nini, it felt like it was years ago and that’s because it was.

“We were in high school when I said that.” Ricky stresses, “I think it’s safe to say those feelings were thrown out the window ages ago.”

“You say that, but I don’t believe you.” EJ replies, flicking up his indicator as he switches lanes glancing over to his friend in the passenger seat who looked like he wasn’t too sure of what to say next.

“Believe whatever you want, but I’m not in love with Nini.” He shakes his head at his friend, turning the music up on the sound system that was playing EJ’s Spotify. Turning his head to stare out the window, bringing his fingers to cover up his mouth, “ _I can’t be._ ” He faintly whispers underneath his breath, so soft that he didn’t even hear himself.

* * *

_Freshman year of high school was a little strange for Ricky. Whenever he thought of high school he thought he’d be walking next to a small brunette girl with her hair slightly curled and eyeliner decorating her eye lid, since she’s been into trying out new hairstyles and makeup the last few months. But instead, he stood next to his tall best friend, that was definitely not a girl, and was probably too popular for his own ego, although he hasn’t let it get to his head just yet._

_As Ricky sat next to his friend in the large cafeteria, he ate his sandwich in silence as he stared off into space. Thinking about the long day he’s had and dreading the fact that he’s only half way through his classes. He was sitting on his own, waiting for EJ to make his appearance, probably too caught up talking to one of the boys on the football team._

_Within the first few weeks of school, EJ had made it to junior varsity as their team’s running back. And usually he got swept up in chatting with his teammates before and after school and during lunch. But he always made sure to make time for his best friend._

_As if EJ could hear Ricky’s thoughts, he plops himself down at the table. “God, Jason would not stop talking.” He grumbles as he starts to pull out his own lunch, “Anyways, how was history? Heard the test today was pretty brutal.”_

_Ricky shrugs, “It wasn’t too bad, I actually really like history.” Taking a bite of his sandwich, as he watches EJ hurriedly open up his own container that his mom had packed for him that morning. “When I was younger, Nini and I used to go to this library by our place and she’d always give me these old history books to read. Probably why I like it so much honestly.”_

_“Nini, huh?” EJ wiggles his brows teasingly as he takes a bite of his lunch._

_Ever since EJ has learned about Nini’s existence he couldn’t stop teasing Ricky that his best friend was a girl. And it wasn’t because he thought Ricky having a girl best friend was weird or anything like that, but he claimed that they were bound to fall in love. EJ had a girl cousin their age and he’s heard all about these stories in books where childhood best friends fall in love with each other and EJ was sure that was happening to his best friend in front of him._

_For the longest time, Ricky refused the idea of him having any kinds of feelings for Nini to his friend. But it was proving to be a little difficult because he knew in his heart that it wasn’t even close to the truth. The boy having just realized that he indeed harbours feelings for his best friend over the summer._

_It was the first summer they spent together after Ricky had moved to Chicago and unfortunately for them they weren’t going to be able to spend all of summer vacation together. Nini and her family were flying to the Philippines for the last month before school started. The pair were a little disappointed but made the most of the time that they did have to spend together._

_One late evening, they were lying in Nini’s backyard on the grass. Their bodies next to each other as they pointed to the sky, Nini’s finger traced a few patterns making up a story for each shape she drew like she was an astrologist. Over the course of the past year, she gained a large interest in astronomy. Probably Big Red’s fault since he dragged her to the planetarium a couple times during the year._

_When he looked over at her, the girl babbled away at some story she made up. He smiled as he noticed the dark night that reflected in her eyes. The only thing shining through her irises were the stars that she was staring up at. Her hair was splayed around her head, looking as soft as ever, even if she probably hasn’t washed it in two days, and her smile was so bright despite the braces that were glued to her teeth._

_It was as if the clouds in his eyes had dissipated. It was clear to him that his best friend in front of him made him feel things he’s never felt for anyone else before. His heartbeat quickened in pace as he admired the girl next to him, his ears and cheeks rose in heat feeling as if it was burning his skin right off._

_And that’s when he fell in love for the very first time._

_Ricky’s cheeks started to rise with heat at the mention of his best friend’s name, refusing to look up at EJ. Poking his tongue into his cheek as he did everything to avoid his friend’s incessant prodding. EJ realized that it wasn’t just a joke anymore, that Ricky did in fact have feelings for the girl back in Utah._

_“You like her.” EJ states matter-of-factly, watching as Ricky ducks his head in embarrassment, his cheeks burning brighter than EJ’s ever seen before. Immediately telling him that the word he had used wasn’t correct at all. That it was much more than that. “You love her.” He corrects._

_“It doesn’t matter,” Ricky shakes his head._

_“Dude!” EJ shouts excitedly, gaining some on-lookers from the tables around the name, “It so does matter! You love her. You’ve gotta get the girl, man.”_

_Ricky picks his head up to look the football player in the eye, “I can’t.” He utters, “It’s probably a crush that’s going to go away eventually. Is love a feeling we can even feel yet? Are we too young to understand what that even means?”_

_“I don’t know much about love,” EJ admits, “But, if you think it’s love. It probably is.”_

* * *

The first few weeks of the school year were quite brutal, just like it has been in the past. Now it was the second week of October and Ricky finally got used to his routine with juggling school and work and even his downtime with his friends. As always, that wasn’t always the easiest thing.

It had occurred to Ricky on his drive home from work that he’s been a little neglectful towards Nini. And, this wasn’t the first time that it’s happened. Both of them have had their fair share of radio silence from the other over the years. It was inevitable, they both knew that. However, it wasn’t exactly fair to the other, but they also had to understand that it was never intentional. It only happens because they would get swept in their day-to-day life and when someone’s out of sight, they can be out of mind too.

The first time it happened was during high school. They were sophomores and despite how much he wants to reject the idea, it was entirely his fault. He was filled to the brim with school and extracurricular activities, he even started seeing this one girl in hopes to forget about his feelings for his best friend across the country. It was like he had fallen off the face of the planet, answering texts days later, forgetting to call Nini back and when he did, their calls didn’t go over fifteen minutes.

It was definitely the longest they had gone without talking.

Nini was upset with him for weeks after he apologized. At the time, he didn’t realize how much of a toll it took on his best friend. But once they had hopped on a FaceTime call it was clear how angry and upset she was at him. When Nini had filled him in on what he had missed in the last month and a half that he practically ghosted her, it occurred to him that wasn’t there for her when she needed him most.

Ever since that day, Ricky vowed to always check in on Nini.

As he made a turn into his apartment complex's parking lot, he decided to try and call Nini and see if she was free to FaceTime later that night. Desperately wanting to make up for the lack of communication between them the last few days, even if it was probably on both of them. Seeing as Nini’s texts were as irregular as his.

Throwing his car into park and shutting off the ignition, he grabs his school bag off of the passenger seat as he exits the car. Spinning his keys around his finger casually, he navigates through his phone clicking on Nini’s contact. Bringing the phone up to his ear as he enters the lobby, he hears the phone ring a couple of times.

_‘Hey it’s Nini! You’re talking to Me-Me!’_

Ricky chuckles as the girl’s answering machine message rings through his ears remembering when she had thought of it in high school. Nini felt like she was so clever, twisting her name around in the voicemail instead of the regular message most people leave. He knows that Nini plans on changing it soon, but she’s just so in love with it she’s been pushing it back.

Shutting his phone off, he slides it back into his pocket as he enters the elevator that had opened up, not even needing to press the button since people were already exiting. His thumb comes down on his floor number, silently waiting for the elevator to take him up to his apartment.

It was like he was on autopilot as soon as he reached his floor. Inserting his silver key into the lock of the apartment, he opens the door and kicks off his vans. Immediately he hears his roommates in the kitchen chatting up a storm. And from what he could make out from their overlapping conversation they were arguing about some TV show that they were both watching.

As he makes his way around the corner, he greets the boys with a smile and a short wave as he throws his bag down in the living room before moving to the kitchen where his friends sat. Setting his phone down on the kitchen table, he grins as he sees the pizza that was lying on the table, thanking that it was EJ’s turn to figure out dinner for them that night.

“How long have you guys been arguing over this stupid show?” Ricky greets the pair, placing his hand on the back of the chair he was going to sit in.

EJ shrugs, “Pretty much since last week.”

“You don’t get it, Ricky.” Carlos adds, “He doesn’t understand that Pacey and Joey are _meant to be_!”

“But what about Dawson?” EJ interjects, dropping his pizza back down onto the plate that is sitting in front of him. “You can’t tell me you’re not a sucker for the childhood friends to lovers storyline! I mean, c’mon Ricky you have to agree with me. You and Nini are a perfect example of that.”

Ricky’s eyes shift between the pair sitting in front of him, knitting his eyebrows together not quite sure what conversation they were trying to pull him into. Having not been watching the television series with the pair, not quite interested in the show. Sure, he’s seen a few episodes to know what they were talking about, but even then, he was still a little puzzled.

“Me and Nini don’t fall into whatever soap opera bullshit you guys are on right now. Nini and I aren’t lovers. We aren’t some stupid TV show or book where best friends are destined to fall in love.” Ricky states, shuffling from one foot to another, “I’ll agree with you that they could end up together, but just because they are childhood friends doesn’t mean that they are going to.”

Carlos slams his fists on the table rather aggressively, “A-ha!” He shouts triumphantly, leaning forward over the table slightly as he shoots EJ a look, “Ricky’s on my side!”

Taken aback by Carlos’s outburst, Ricky lets out a laugh, “I’m not on anyone’s side!” He raises both of his hands in the air in surrender, taking a cautious step back from his bickering friends. “I’m just saying shows aren’t realistic even if they are portrayed with normal and relatable characters with normal people problems, it’s a façade that could easily be mistaken for reality.”

The two boys grumble at Ricky’s response, muttering something along the lines of how he was ruining the TV show’s entire reverie as he brings them back to reality. Ricky couldn’t help but chuckle as he saw EJ’s body shake slightly, probably Carlos kicking him underneath the table silently telling him that their debate was not even close to over.

Chuckling at his friends, heading to the other side of the room, “Also, wasn’t Pacey friends with them too when they were kids? So, really that childhood friends trope thing could be applicable to both of them.” He calls over his shoulder, smirking at the boys as he hears them start up their dispute once more.

His hand wraps around the handle of the fridge, prying the door open in search for a beverage. As he grabs the blue Gatorade that he had shoved into the fridge earlier that day that he completely forgot he had stowed away, Ricky’s gaze shifts to the pictures that were scattered on the fridge. Most of them were of the three boys from back when they were in high school. Gina and Ashlyn were in some of them, and there was one of him and Nini, courtesy of Ricky.

He couldn’t help but smile at all of their happy smiles, bringing Ricky back to those happy times. Nearly recalling the events of each of the photos that he was in or that he had taken for his friends. Sometimes Ricky wished he could go back to high school, and tell himself some things that he’s learned now that he was older.

“Ricky!” Ricky’s thoughts were broken by Carlos’s voice echoing off of their tile flooring, “Your girlfriend’s calling!”

As if it was an instinct, he rolls his eyes at his friend’s choice of wording as he shuts the fridge door closed before making his way back to the table. In Carlos’s hand was his phone that was buzzing, Nini’s photo displayed across the screen as the accept and decline buttons appeared underneath it.

“That joke is getting old, ‘Los.” Ricky points at him before moving to grab his phone out of his hand.

Before Ricky could accept the call, he hears Carlos pipe up once more, “It’s not a joke! I’m simply predicting the future!”

Shaking his head at Carols before stepping out of the room, tapping the green button as he answers the call. “Hey, bug.”

* * *

_A few weeks ago, Ashlyn had introduced Ricky and EJ to her new friends that she made during the musical that she was in last semester. Gina and Carlos fit into the trio’s dynamic so easily, with Gina’s hilarious jokes and Carlos’s sass. Their personalities complemented EJ’s goofiness, Ricky’s laid-back attitude and Ashlyn’s insightfulness._

_Before any of them knew it, they were hanging out nearly every day after school whenever EJ didn’t have football practice, which just so happened to fall on the same days Carlos and Gina didn’t have dance rehearsals. Usually they would hang out at the diner across from the mall, but sometimes they liked to try something new._

_This week, they decided on checking out the bowling alley that was on the other side of town. Gina and Carlos have never gone bowling before, while EJ and Ashlyn only went bowling for their uncle’s birthday once and that years ago. Ricky on the other hand was the only one that had some decent bowling knowledge since his Mom and Dana used to be on some bowling league back when they were in high school. And they liked to take their families out bowling to sharpen up their skills._

_It was surprisingly deserted at the bowling alley. There were only about five other groups of people that occupied the large space. Considering there were probably around thirty lanes, it made sense why the groups were so far apart. The sounds of pins knocking down every so often as soft chatter filled the room._

_Ricky was situated in between Carlos and Ashlyn as they tied up their laces while EJ and Gina were fidgeting with the name display. Both their heads were craned upwards as they stared at the screen debating on whether they should do stupid nicknames or stick with the normal names. As Ricky finishes up his laces he sits back up and leans his back into the seat, despite it being a little uncomfortable due to the leather and how far back it seemed to be from the edge._

_“So,” Ashlyn catches her friends’ attention, “Any fun plans this weekend?” She inquires, directing her question mostly towards Ricky and Carlos since EJ and Gina seemed to be lost in their own world at the moment._

_Shaking his head as he crosses his arms over his chest. “Mom’s out of town for some business thing. So, it’s just me and dad. You ‘Los?” He turns his head to the right to look over at the Latino who was just finishing up with his laces._

_He nods his head, “My brother’s coming home for the weekend.” He mentions his older brother who was away for college in Michigan, “It’s Mom’s birthday and he’s kind of a momma’s boy, so.”_

_They nod their heads in acknowledgment before Ricky’s phone starts ringing, interrupting the conversation that was going on. He smiles awkwardly as he shifts slightly to pull his phone out of his back pocket, immediately seeing the name that was displayed on the screen. Mentally face-palming completely forgetting that it was Friday and he always reserved those days for his best friend back home in Utah._

_Ashlyn glancing over to see the name and the contact photo that had popped on his screen. Recognizing the girl straightaway, she pats Ricky on the shoulder twice knowing exactly why his expression had changed. Standing up to sit on the other side of Carlos to give Ricky a few moments to talk to his friend._

_Letting out a deep sigh, he presses the green button accepting the call as he shifts a little further away on the seats. He brings the phone up to his ear, “Hey bug.” He answers in a cheery voice into the device, not realizing his friends’ ears had perked up at the nickname that had just fallen from his mouth._

_“ **Ricky! I did my first group therapy thing today, and like it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. This week was insane, I have so much to tell you!** ” He hears her excited voice echo through the phone and into his ear, wanting to punch himself for forgetting that it was Friday. And the fact that she had her first therapy session didn’t make him feel any better._

_The boy had fallen silent for a beat too long that Nini had caught on. “ **You forgot it was Friday, didn’t you?”** Her voice deflated as she recognized his lack of a response and the loud noise in the background._

_“I’m really sorry, bug.” Ricky apologizes, bringing his hand up to run through his locks, “I’m out with some friends, and we’re about to-”_

_“ **No, no! Don’t apologize.** ” Nini frantically interrupts, “ **It’s Friday, hang out with your friends. It’s okay, really. Honestly, I’m surprised your friends have expanded past the Caswells**.”_

_Ricky rolls his eyes at her backhanded comment, knowing that she was just joking to make sure Ricky knew she wasn’t that upset with him. “Oh, come on! You know that I’m the social butterfly between us.”_

_Her laughter rings through his ears, as Ricky couldn’t help but laugh right alongside her, as if it was contagious. “ **Okay, keep telling yourself that.** ” There was a brief pause after their short laugher fit, neither saying much but listening to the background noise coming from the other end. There was definitely a lot more coming from Ricky’s end in comparison to Nini’s. “ **You should probably get back to your friends. I don’t want to steal you away from them or anything.** ”_

_Humming into the phone as he glances up to the screen display telling him that they were just about ready to start their first game. “I miss you.” He blurts out, not realizing what he was saying until it had come out of his mouth._

_“ **I miss you too. I wish I could fly out to see you.** ” Nini murmurs into her phone. “ **But it’s-** ”_

_“Expensive, I know.” Ricky answers for her, nodding his head despite the fact that his best friend couldn’t see him._

_The pair always talked about the idea of them flying out to see each other in the middle of the school year instead of having to wait for Christmas and Summer break to see each other, but alas it was never as simple as they pictured it to be. Given that they were freshly sixteen, they didn’t have much money to spend on a plane ticket just for a few days to visit the other and school has them far too busy to take any time off since it was their junior year._

_Sometimes they wished they could go back to a time where it was easier and simpler. Back to the good old days where they could spend hours at the park without worrying about a single thing that was going on around them. Being able to embrace the moment for what it was instead of worrying about their future constantly. But that could never be the case, could it?_

_Ricky lets out a deep sigh, running his fingers through his hair, “I’ll call you tonight, yeah?”_

_Nini makes a small noise of acknowledgment, “ **I love you, Dory.** ” She replies._

_The mention of the atrocious name caused a disgruntled noise to escape Ricky’s own throat. He could hear Nini’s lighthearted laughter filling up her bedroom, knowing that she was probably already nestled in her bed with a bowl of popcorn sitting next to her computer._

_“I love you too. I’ll talk to you later.” He answers, hanging up his phone and he stares at the blank screen as his hand drops into his lap._

_“Was that your girlfriend?” A voice startles Ricky out of his haze, causing him to snap his neck at the boy that was sitting next to him._

_Gina bounds over to sit on the other side of Ricky leaning a little too close for his liking. “Oh my god! I didn’t know you had a girlfriend!” Gina exclaims. Both dancers had bright grins on their faces as they waited expectantly for his answer._

_He felt like he was being interrogated by the pair. Immediately his face flushes bright red, his ears burning incredibly hot. Despite the truth of his relationship status, he couldn’t help but think that he wanted what they were saying to be true._

_It had been nearly two years since he fully came to the conclusion that what he felt for his best friend was far more than friendship. It was a lot easier to hide it from the girl considering they were only ever really together for such a short amount of time. But days like these, with prodding friends, it was hard to admit that the truth was something that he didn’t want._

_Clearing his throat, his gaze shifting between the dancers that were on either side of him, he shakes his head in answer. “I don’t have a girlfriend.” He clarifies._

_Carlos and Gina look towards each other and towards the Caswells. It was clear that the cousins weren’t even fazed by the phone call, indicating that they were familiar with the girl that their curly-headed friend was speaking to._

_Gina sputters out response, “But you were just-”_

_“That was my best friend.” Ricky informs them, putting emphasis on the ‘best’ part of his sentence. He chuckles as their faces warp into an expression that he couldn’t quite read. Deciding to continue, knowing that they were just going to continue pestering him about the girl in question. Relaxing into his seat, he fiddles with his phone that was in his lap, “She lives in Salt Lake. You know, where I lived before moving here.”_

_“Oh.” Carlos tilts his head for a moment in thought, “But you moved here in middle school. You guys still talk? Why?” He asks, rather surprised since it’s been nearly four years since his move._

_Heads turn towards the tall football player, as he starts to speak. “Because Ricky has a crush on her.” He snorts, as he leans his weight against the stand that was bolted into the ground for typing the names into the scoreboard. Remembering the day that he had learned about Nini’s existence. He knew these questions were coming, especially given the short phone call that they all had overheard._

_Ricky pokes his tongue into his cheek as he hears the words that fall from his friend’s mouth. And before he could counter his friend’s claim, Ashlyn cuts in, placing her hand on Carlos’s shoulder with a teasing smile on her face._

_“It’s much more than a crush, E.” Ashlyn smiles innocently at Ricky, “You’re like totally in love with her. You aren’t fooling anyone, Ricky.”_

_“Oh my god, guys.” Ricky huffs out an exasperated breath, his cheeks felt like they were on fire refusing to look up at any of his friends._

_Gina raises her eyebrows at the interaction between the three friends, completely intrigued. “Is that so?” She giggles, they all recognize Ricky’s sudden bashfulness, telling them that whatever the Caswells had said wasn’t that farfetched._

_“No!” Ricky blushes, “Our moms were friends in high school, so we basically grew up together. We see each other at Christmas and in the summer, sometimes some other days in the year, but yeah.”_

_“Aw!” Gina and Carlos bellow out in unison, “Childhood friends to lovers!” Gina pokes Ricky’s side repeatedly, causing the boy to flinch away from his friend._

_Rolling his eyes, he stands up deciding that he should at least get their game started. At the rate they were teasing him, it was clear they completely forgot that they were here to bowl and not to talk about his nonexistent love life._

_“Oh, Rick!” Gina calls over to where he was standing at the rack, grabbing an orange bowling ball, “What’s her name? We only heard you call her ‘bug.’”_

_Unable to help himself, a small smile makes its way onto his face as the girl’s face pops into his head. “Nini.” He answers, turning around to see all of his friends with stupid grins on their faces._

_“You mean, your future girlfriend.” Carlos jokes, causing the rest of the group to burst out into laughter._

_“The way that I hate you all.”_

* * *

As Ricky’s laptop screen brightens to life, seeing his best friend’s face fill his screen as she answers his call having decided to skip out on dinner and spend some time with Nini after a brief phone call, the pair in need of some best friend time. Immediately, Ricky jokingly sticks his tongue out at her as she slowly registers what is happening on his side of the call. The girl on his screen started bursting out in laughter as she mimicked the face that he was pulling.

The pair couldn’t stop laughing for a few minutes. It was one of Ricky’s favourite things about their dynamic. They didn’t need to say anything and they could just as easily just pick up on each other’s moods. Ricky could always get Nini to laugh with an action as childish as poking out his tongue or making a noise with his mouth. Even if their attitude wasn’t as lighthearted as it was now, they could tell from the look on the other’s face which leads Ricky to the conclusion that Nini’s week hasn’t been the best.

As soon as their laughter dies down, he notices the expression that takes over Nini’s features. She was tired to say the least. Her hair was pulled into a tight ponytail that seemed to be tangled probably having been up all day and she had just re-tied it. Dark circles were beginning to form underneath her eyes, the girl was already decked out in her pajamas despite it only being six o’clock in New York.

No matter how tired Nini seemed to be, she still had the brightest smile on her face. Some may think it was to mask the exhaustion that’s been building up inside her, but Ricky knew her much better than that. She wasn’t faking a smile, far from it, he knew her fake smile anywhere so Ricky could only deduce that her grin was due to his silliness when she had picked up the call.

“Is it a face mask and hot chocolate FaceTime call, bug?” Ricky asks, his eyes softening as he admires his best friend through the screen.

“ _And tacos!_ ” Nini adds excitedly, her smile stretching across her face.

Ricky let out a laugh, noticing Nini was laughing right alongside him as her tired eyes crinkled at the edges and her face started to turn a little red. He wasn’t really sure what had been going on in Nini’s life the last couple of weeks, both of them a little too preoccupied with school and the rush of midterms as everything seemed to be sneaking up on them.

“Okay, then,” Ricky declares, his hands coming down to smack against his thighs before he stands up out of his seat, picking up his laptop. “You’re coming with me.”

Cradling his computer in his arms, he watches as Nini moves on her end, making her way into the hall. As he enters his own bathroom, he sets his laptop down on the counter. His hand wraps around the drawer’s knob, he begins to rummage around for the package of face masks Nini had bought for him before he had flown back to Chicago for the school year.

It had become a thing between the pair that whenever either of them had been working themselves down to the bone, they would have a self-care kind of day over Facetime. Which always consisted of face masks, hot chocolate and whatever food they felt like eating that day, but they always bought the same thing so it felt like they were still together. And, they would both stream Finding Nemo as they would munch on their dinner.

Surprisingly it didn’t take him as long as it usually did to find the package of masks. Whenever Ricky unpacked from his trip to Salt Lake he would haphazardly throw things into random drawers and in his closet, usually leaving him to forget where he had put everything. But for some reason this time when he was unpacking, he dutifully placed the masks in his bathroom drawer, remembering that Nini typically stored hers in the bathroom. At first Ricky was confused as to why she did so since she usually would head back to her room, but it did make sense considering the routine leading up to it.

His gaze shifts back to the laptop screen to see Nini fixing her hair, pulling on her hair tie and she begins to twist her hair around her wrist causing Ricky to study her carefully. She had a humorless expression on her face as she focused on pulling her hair away from her line of vision. Leaning down to get a better look of his best friend, propping his chin up with hand as he watched as she effortlessly finished with her messy bun. Despite how messy it looked, he couldn’t help but think that she looked adorable.

“I’ll never understand how you do that.” He sent her a half-smile.

Nini glances at her computer to see Ricky’s stupid smile, rolling her eyes at him out of habit. She grabs the edge of the counter, staring back at Ricky as her own lips curve into a smile. “ _It’s my little secret._ ” Nini winks, her laughter echoing off the walls of her white bathroom.

“As long as that’s the only secret you’re keeping from me, then I’m fine with it.” Ricky teases.

“ _Uh, yeah_ ,” Nini’s eyes casting downwards as she spoke quietly, nodding to herself as if to affirm that it was the truth – neither of them believed her statement.

“Nins?” Ricky calls, standing back up to his full height not really sure what to think.

She shakes her head frantically, “ _Nothing_.” She mumbles, before turning on the tap to drown out the noise.

Ricky knew that she had done it in hopes that he would forget what she had said. But he wasn’t letting up any time soon. He didn’t want to make her feel as if he was prying or trying to talk about something that she wasn’t ready to talk about. But then again, he didn’t want Nini to keep it all to herself.

At times when Nini was going through a tough time, whether that’d be with school or work or even just personal feelings and thoughts, she would keep it all to herself. Ever since he could remember, Nini wasn’t the best with speaking her mind and articulating her feelings into words. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to because of course she did, but she never knew how to outright start talking about what’s going on in her life. She had disclosed one time that she felt like her problems were a burden to her friends. Admitting that her problems weren’t as bad or as serious in comparison to others, so she’d let it slide and would just deal with it herself.

Time and time again, Ricky had told her that talking about her problems would never be a burden, especially to him, and it didn’t matter how small they were. If Nini needed to talk about something that was bothering her, he’d drop everything to listen and be there for her. Even if he couldn’t physically be there for her, he promised he would do whatever he could with being a few states away.

“Nini.” Ricky begs, speaking louder than he had earlier as to talk over the running water on her end. “Talk to me.”

Her mouth twitches, her shoulders slumping as a deep breath expels from her small frame. She slowly turns the tap off, dropping her elbows down onto the counter as she cradles her face in her hands. Despite the slightly grainy quality their video connection had, he detected unshed tears that were shining in her brown eyes.

“ _I don’t even know, Ricky_.” She concedes, her nails scratching at her temple an indicator that fear was coursing through her veins. “ _I just- I feel so stupid!_ ” Nini cries out.

Ricky doesn’t say a word, letting Nini work through her jumbled thoughts. A benefit to being friends with someone for so long, you can easily pick up on their habits. And as the last couple years have taught him, Nini needed time to sort through what was running through her mind, not wanting to say the wrong thing.

He watches as she sinks her teeth into her bottom lip. It took a few more moments before Nini started up again. “ _I don’t know what I’m doing. Like, Gina and Seb have all these plans for after graduation and I know you do too and Red and Kourt. I just feel so stuck, and I just feel like I’m having this stupid quarter-life crisis or something._ ” She finally lets out, wiping away her tears before they could fall.

“Oh, bug.” Ricky croaks, his throat running dry at his plans for post-graduation a little nervous of what was to come in the next few months. “Why didn’t you tell me this sooner?”

“I mean, I wanted to.” She reasons, lifting her shoulders in a shrug as she stands back up to her full height. Fixing her gaze on herself in the reflection of her mirror, tucking a few loose strands that fell out of her bun behind her ears. “But like there isn’t really anything anyone can do. Especially not you or moms or Red. You guys are all so far away, and I’m a big girl; I should be able to figure this stuff out on my own.”

“Why are you acting like I’m all the way in Australia?” Ricky kneels down onto the tiled floor, as he fills the screen with his face. “I can hop on a plane right now and I can be there in a few hours.” He tries to lighten the mood in their call, jutting his thumb over his shoulder to signal his departure.

Nini shakes her head, chuckling at his joke as she shifts her eyes back to her best friend on the screen. Despite the light and joking tone that he had taken, they were both mindful of the fact that he was incredibly serious. “ _Don’t be ridiculous, Ricky_.” She grins shyly.

“I’m serious, Ni. Even if all you need from me is a hug, I will fly or even drive to you.” He narrows his eyes at the girl on his laptop screen. “You know I’m capable of that.”

“ _Oh my god,_ ” Nini’s light laugh makes Ricky’s heartbeat pick up for a moment, the boy did everything he could to ignore it just like he’s been doing the last couple of years. “ _Like, I’m fine, sort of. And of course, I wish I could be with you or moms right now, but that’s just not realistic. I need to figure things out and I have to do it on my own. But, like, I just feel so fucking stuck Ricky. It honestly sucks ass._ ”

“Is this what you were talking about at the park?” He asks, a memory of their conversation at the park over the summer courses through both of their minds.

Her lips slant to the side, “ _One of the things_.” She mutters.

“You know, Ni,” Ricky hoped his voice was giving her some sort of comfort, despite not being able to wrap her up in his arms. “You don’t need to have things figured out right now. It might seem like you do, but it’s okay if you don’t. You’re only twenty-one, you have your entire life to figure things out.”

“ _You think so?_ ” Nini gulps.

“Absolutely.” He nods, reassuring his best friend to the best he could from states away. “You sure you don’t want me to come? I have a Nini emergency piggy bank for situations like these.” He teases, but they both knew that it was true – they both had one.

Rolling her eyes, “ _I really don’t think this qualifies as an emergency_.”

“I mean not to boast or anything, but I’m pretty sure my hugs are just that amazing that it could qualify as such.” Ricky smirks, a glimmer appearing in both of their eyes that are reserved for each other.

“ _Hm, you sure you’re not trying to boast, Dory?_ ” Nini lets out a light-hearted laugh, tilting her head back as the laughter courses through her.

“Whatever.” Ricky moves to grab his towel off the back of the bathroom door to prepare to wash his face. “Is that all you’re keeping from me? You got everything off your chest?” He asks once more, to ensure that his best friend was doing at least a little bit better after their short conversation.

Her lips form into a tight line as she nods her head in answer, “ _Face mask time!_ ” She squeals, grabbing her own towel off of the rack that was situated right behind her. Both of them turned their taps on to start their usual face mask routine.

What Ricky didn’t know was that Nini’s curt nod was far from the truth.

* * *

_The first time Ricky ever flew on his own was to surprise his best friend._

_Many years ago, he promised Nini that he would be her prom date. For a while he didn’t think he’d be escorting her to her senior prom because earlier that year she started dating Jack, her first boyfriend. And if Ricky was being honest, he wasn’t a fan of the boy considering the feelings he held for his best friend. But unfortunately, he couldn’t do anything about it. Jack seemed to make her happy, so he was happy for her. After three months together, the pair had broken up, and according to Nini it was because they wanted different things._

_Deciding to uphold his promise, he flew out to Salt Lake for the weekend. It took a great amount of convincing from both his parents and Nini’s to allow him to go. It did cost a considerable amount, but Ricky didn’t care. She is worth every penny._

_Now, standing in the high school he once thought was going to be the one he’d be graduating from, a sign in his hand, folded into itself to avoid any prying eyes, and a bouquet of mixed flowers in hand. He felt himself practically vibrating with nerves as he waited for his cue to enter the large cafeteria. Even though he knew Nini wasn’t going to say no, he just couldn’t stop the nerves running through him._

_A chime comes from Ricky’s phone that was nestled deep in his pocket, pulling the device out to check the message. It was a short text from Big Red letting him know he had less than a minute before he had to make his way down the large staircase. Big Red and Kourtney were a part of this elaborate plan, needing a little insider knowledge to make sure everything would go smoothly._

_He bites the inside of cheek nervously as he fiddles with the poster that was in his hand. Everyone that had passed him had looked at him oddly, but all had a sly smirk on their face knowing what the sign had meant. Ricky wasn’t sure if they were staring at him because of the sign he was holding, or because they didn’t recognize him. Either way, it wasn’t at all settling as they soon be watching him, curious as to who he was asking to prom._

_As the beginning notes of ‘Love Bug’ start to echo through the cafeteria, thankful that Big Red was part of the AV club and was able to pull off this part of the plan. He starts to make his descent down the stairwell, immediately spotting Nini’s long brown locks swaying across her back. He smiles as he sees the look Kourtney and Big Red were sending him as soon as they spot their old friend._

_His heartbeat begins to quicken in pace as he approaches his best friend. Nini, on the other hand, had been softly singing along to the music that was playing through the cafeteria. It wasn’t strange for the lunchroom to be playing music, since they usually did on Fridays; which worked out in Ricky’s favour._

_“God,” Nini throws her head back slightly before bringing her attention back to her two friends that were sitting in front of her, not realizing they were eyeing her. “I love the Jonas Brothers.”_

_A smile slips onto his face as he plants his feet a few steps away from her. Opening his mouth, ensuring to speak loud enough that his voice could be heard over the lunchroom chatter and the music bouncing off the walls._

_“I know.”_

_At the sound of his voice, Nini snaps her head in his direction. A look of surprise was etched on her face. Her eyes wide and her jaw had fallen slack as she took in the sight that was in front of her._

_As Ricky stood in the middle of the cafeteria, many students and staff looked onwards as they watched this curly-headed boy practically vibrating with nerves stand in front of his best friend. All well aware of what was about to come next, watching the scene before them begin to unfold._

_Chuckling at her shocked expression, he smiles brightly at his best friend, “Hi bug. I have something to ask you.” He begins to unfold the sign, but before he could fully open it he pauses, “By the way, there aren’t really any songs about ladybugs that aren't in a nursery rhyme, so I hope this one will do.”_

_“Ricky!” Nini squeals already getting up and out of her seat, ready to envelope her best friend in her arms._

_“Wait, wait, wait!” Ricky puts his hand up in between them, signaling for her to stop taking a few steps back, “Can I at least ask the question first?”_

_“You already know the answer.” Nini laughs, drawing her bottom lip into her teeth as she tucks her hands in the back pockets of her jeans._

_Ricky shakes his head, “Doesn’t matter. I want to at least give you the opportunity to consider.” He smirks, both of them aware that she didn’t need any room to reconsider her answer._

_With the roll of her eyes, Ricky had his answer. He finally unfolds the white bristol board as he shows off the sign that he had made earlier that morning with the markers and glitter he could find in Nini’s bedroom. The sign read:_

**_‘Can I bug you and ask if you would go to prom with me?’_ **

_Nini smiles as she sees the little ladybugs decorated across the paper, noting the amount of time and effort he had put into the poster. Lifting her head to meet Ricky’s eyes, silently communicating with just their eyes and their smiles leaving the rest of the cafeteria to wonder what was going on in the pair’s minds._

_“So,” He sends her a lopsided smirk, “Do you still want to go to prom with me?”_

_Bringing her finger up to tap against her chin in thought. The duo unable to keep their laughter to themselves, their amusement comes out, influencing the rest of the cafeteria to join in on their light-hearted behaviour. Nini’s hand drops as she finally closes the space between them, stopping right in front of the taller boy._

_Her head tilts back as she looks him in the eyes, “I’d love to go to prom with you.”_

_“Good.” Ricky hands her the bouquet, watching as Nini delicately takes it into her hands touching a few of the petals with her fingers._

_“Can I finally hug you now?” Nini’s eyes peer at him through her eyelashes._

_Ricky chuckles, “Come here, bug.” He pulls at her waist with his free hand, circling her in his arms as she collapses into his chest._

_They both smile as their hold tightens around each other. Nini hooks her chin over his shoulder, her feet barely touching the ground as she lets a smile stretch onto her face. Ricky couldn’t help but inhale the girl’s perfume, noting that it was new, one he hadn’t smelled on her before. He sways them from side to side, not realizing the cheers and the clapping that was going on around them; completely lost in their own little world._

_“How long?” Nini whispers into his ear, her breath caused some of his curls to move._

_“I fly home Monday morning.” He tells her quietly, pulling away from the hug but he kept his arms circled around her. “But then I come back for your prom, and then we’re going to Scotland for our grad trip.” Ricky lifts his hand to tuck a strand of her dark hair behind her ear._

_Their parents decided that they were all long overdue for a vacation, and since both Nini and Ricky were graduating high school they let them choose where they would go. And after long debates and bickering over where they should go, they settled on Scotland. Touristy enough for Nini, and adventurous enough for Ricky. A great compromise they would say._

_Nini cracks a smile, “This is the most we’re going to see each other in a year ever since you moved.”_

_“I know.” Ricky nods, his expression mirroring hers, “Come on, you need to finish your lunch. Plus, I missed Red and Kourt. I really wanna catch up with them.”_

_“But you missed me the most, right?” She sends him the best puppy dog look she could muster._

_Wrinkling his nose as he looks down at her, “You know it.”_

* * *

His eyes flitted over his screen, feeling a pit start to form in his stomach as he reads the text over and over again. Not realizing that he had stopped in the middle of the sidewalk staring down at his phone, his grip on his bag began to tighten as his breathing became shallow feeling a sense of worry and anger course through his veins.

“Ricky?” The voice makes him tear his gaze away from his phone. “You’re doing that weird breathing thing you do when you’re upset.” She points to his face vaguely.

Narrowing his eyes at the girl in front of him, he smacks her hand away, “I don’t do that.” Ricky slides his phone back into his pocket, deciding to answer the text later.

“Yes, you do.” Ashlyn gestured for him to continue walking alongside her. The pair both had some time to kill before their next class and decided to grab a quick snack at one of their favourite coffee shops in the city. “Anyways, what’s up?”

“Gina texted me.” He answers shortly, scratching his head in annoyance. Ashlyn gestures for him to continue, shooting him a look that he wasn’t going to get out of it any time soon. “She said Nini’s going out with Nick tonight.” Ricky lets out an irritated huff, watching as the fog escapes his mouth due to the cold December weather.

“Nick? Like, shitty ex-boyfriend Nick?” Ashlyn’s eyebrows shoot up her forehead as they turn down the final street a few stores away from the coffee shop.

Nicholas Henderson was Nini’s longest boyfriend. He was some snobby boy that grew up in the heart of New York City. The pair had met in Nini’s creative writing class which he was taking as an elective. They were partnered for some project and they instantly clicked. They had dated for nearly eight months.

Ricky wasn’t shy about his thoughts about his best friend’s boyfriend, but he never told her any of them. It wasn’t that Nick presented any signs that he wasn’t treating Nini right, the pair simply just didn’t connect when they had first met over a Facetime call. But Nini seemed so happy to see her boyfriend and her long time best friend getting to know each other; he didn’t have the heart to tell her he didn’t like him. EJ was definitely the one he complained to the most out of his friends, rambling on how he didn’t understand why they were dating, thinking their personalities clashed too much.

Then suddenly one day, the pair were no longer together. Apparently, Nick had been cheating on her for a few months. It completely broke his heart to see Nini so devastated and distraught over a boy that didn’t even deserve her.

After seeing Gina’s text, Ricky couldn’t help but feel a white-hot lump of anger expand in his chest, practically feeling it course through his veins and the rest of his body. Remembering the thousands of Facetime calls he had with his best friend, going through the motions right alongside her despite the distance between them. That was the year they broke their re-watching of Finding Nemo record.

“Is she seeing him tonight like a date? Or what?” Ashlyn interrupts his thoughts, pulling the door of the coffee shop letting Ricky walk in first, since he seemed to be so lost in thought.

Ricky inhales deeply, taking control of his breathing once more. “I don’t think so.” He responds, “Gina said they were just going to catch up or something, and Seb’s going with her and a few other people in their class. And I have a good feeling Nini’s probably not going to even mention it to me.”

Lining up behind an elderly couple; not needing to scan through the options on the menu as they were practically regulars at the establishment at this point. Ricky pulls his wallet out of his back pocket, preparing himself for when they go to order.

At his reply, Ashlyn’s eyebrows knit together for a moment as she studied the tall man next to her. “I get why she wouldn’t. You’re a little overprotective.” Ashlyn notes.

“Overprotective?” Ricky gapes.

“Yeah,” Ashlyn nods, not faltering at her own words despite the clear shock on Ricky’s face. To her it was the easiest answer in the world. And if they were being honest, it was probably the easiest answer to anyone that knew the pair. “You’re acting like she’s going on a date with him. Why? It’s a group of them, there isn’t anything to worry about.” Ashlyn points out.

Before Ricky could answer, they were being beckoned over by the barista. The man behind the counter was familiar with the pair standing before them, asking if they would like their usual to which they nod in agreement. Ricky hands over a twenty dollar bill, telling him to keep the change before they move to walk over to a table as they wait for their food and drinks to arrive.

“So?” Ashlyn pesters.

“I don’t know, Ash.” Ricky shrugs, plopping his bag down on the floor next to his chair as he slumps further into the dark leather of the seats. “I just don’t trust him.”

“But you trust her.” She rests her elbows on the table, leaning forward slightly, “She was the one that got hurt by him. And if she’s ready to forgive him, you don’t have any say in it. I’m not going to sit here and tell you that you should give her permission because ultimately what happened was between her and Nick – not you.”

Letting the words sink into his head, knowing that Ashlyn was absolutely right about everything that she had just said. Sure, he was looking for some reassurance that he should confront Nini about her ex-boyfriend and encourage her not to go because he thought that’s what was best. But Ashlyn had made solid points about the fact that it wasn’t his decision.

Running his tongue over his teeth in thought, his focus remained on the marble table that they sat at. A few brief moments passed, their food and drinks were being set in front of them. The pair send the barista a kind smile before he steps away from them once more.

He brings his cup of hot coffee to his lips, taking a languid sip before finally answering his friend. “I just want to protect her.” He half agrees with her statement from earlier. Although he agrees with his friend, he knows the need to protect Nini isn’t the entire truth.

“By doing what exactly? Not letting her live her life? Make her own decisions?” Ashlyn stares him down, “She’s bound to make mistakes. And I’m not saying forgiving him or going tonight is one of them, but all you can really do is be there for her when she does make a mistake. You can’t roll her up in bubble wrap and hide her in a box for the rest of her life.”

“I get that, Ash.” He rolls his eyes at her dramatics, both of them taking careful sips of their drinks. “But I can’t see her heartbroken again.” Ricky admits. “Do you know how hard it is to be there for her when she’s going through the worst pain in her life and she’s a thousand miles away? It’s the biggest reason I hated moving here, honestly.” His eyes cast down onto the table, debating for a moment before bringing his sandwich to his lips as he takes a bite.

In all his years, he’s never admitted to his friends that he hated moving to Chicago. Nini was the only one that fully understood why he didn’t want to move across the country. Ricky hated change, and ever since the day he got on the airplane everything has been changing. It hasn’t stopped and it’s incredibly overwhelming.

If Ashlyn was surprised at all by his confession she didn’t show it. Out of all of his friends, Ashlyn was always the most understanding and patient. She somehow knew what was going on in their heads without having to exact too much about it. Ricky thinks it’s probably why she decided to major in psychology.

“Even if you never left Ricky, it doesn’t mean she never would’ve had her heart broken. Whether that would be from Nick or Carson or literally any other guy out there.” Ashlyn rationalizes.

“But if I never left then maybe I would’ve-” He pauses realizing where he was going with his statement. “Wait, no I didn’t mean that- like that, I-”

“Yes, you did.” Ashlyn nods interrupting Ricky, a soft look taking over her features as she sees the panic shoot through his light irises. “It’s okay to think that maybe if your life went down a different path, then maybe you and Nini would’ve had a real and honest chance without all the complications. It’s okay to admit that you think about it sometimes. Actually, I would be surprised if you didn’t.”

Ricky shakes his head, “But it’s not okay.” A sad expression was evident on his face for the same deluded fantasy that he’s conjured up in his head in the last couple of years. “I can’t love her. Not like that. And, I’ve come to terms with it.”

Her lips form into a tight line as silence falls between them. The only sounds that could be heard was the soft chatter from the only other customers on the other side of the café and the espresso machine running every few seconds. Despite all the noise around them, all of his attention was focused on the words that had just spilled from his mouth.

Never in his life has been so open and vulnerable about his thoughts about his best friend. His most inner thoughts were never supposed to see the light of day. And here he is, basically telling Ashlyn what he was most afraid to admit.

“Can I ask you something?” Ashlyn speaks up.

Ricky nods, gesturing for her to continue, bringing his cup of coffee to his lips as he takes a rather large amount into his mouth. While Ashlyn straightens her posture as she toys with the mug of tea that was in her hands, fiddling with the little paper at the end of the tea bag.

“Are you trying to protect Nini from her ex to save her from heartbreak? Or are you saving yourself from it?” She asks.

“What?”

“When she was with Nick, did you ever wish it was you?” Ashlyn rephrases.

Taking in a deep breath, squeezing his eyes shut before opening them once more as he looks Ashlyn dead in the eyes. A stone-cold expression on his face, practically unreadable. There was no smile evident, not even a slight pull at the corner of his lips, his eyes were glazed over as he repeated her question over and over again in his head. Picking his head up to stare at the expectant red-head before him, opening his mouth to answer her.

“Every day.”

* * *

_“Hey ‘Los, you heading to class?” Ricky asks, as he sees his friend with a concerned expression written all over his face as he was exiting their shared apartment. But before Ricky could question his roommate about the look on his face, Carlos quickly shuts the door standing in front of it, blocking Ricky from entering._

_“Yeah, uh- class. Um,” He stammers, glancing between Ricky and the door, “When you go in, no bright smiles or stupid jokes. You really need to just let her talk.”_

_Taken aback by what Carlos had said, he furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. Nothing that he had said was making any sense to him at the moment. “Her who?” Ricky asks carefully, completely puzzled by the interaction._

_“Nini.”_

_Ricky’s eyes widened at the familiar name that had just fallen from his mouth. His head started whirling, a little confused as to why his best friend was in town. Normally, he would be completely elated, but the way Carlos was addressing him told him that her surprise visit wasn’t going to be a good one._

_He looks down at his roommate that was blocking his way into the apartment. Shifting his gaze down the hall for a moment, not really sure what to think about whatever was about to happen once he crossed the threshold. Only the worst case scenarios were playing in his head, and he just hoped that everything he was conjuring up wasn’t true._

_“You should head in.” Carlos pipes up, hiking his bag higher up on his shoulder wrapping his hand around the thick strap. “She needs you.”_

_“What are you not telling me?” Ricky’s voice deepens in pitch as he tries to control the nerves that were coursing through him._

_Carlos visibly gulps, the action didn’t go unnoticed by Ricky which only caused his anxiety to rise. “It’s Nick.” Carlos utters, his eyes never leaving Ricky’s. Before the taller boy could answer, Carlos side stepped away from the auburn door silently telling Ricky to head inside. “Be patient with her.”_

_With that, Carlos takes off down the hall not before squeezing Ricky’s arm comfortingly as he passes. On the other hand, Ricky was trying to control the emotions building up inside him wondering what in the hell Nini’s boyfriend did. It must be bad if she had to dip into the emergency flight funds._

_Taking a deep breath, he finally wraps his hand around the knob and pushes the door open. Kicking off his shoes in the foyer, he turns the corner in search of his best friend, wondering if she had escaped to his bedroom yet. It didn’t take Ricky long to spot her._

_Nini was curled up into a ball on the couch. She looked exhausted and spent to say the least. Her legs were tucked into her chest as she nursed a cup of what he knew was hot chocolate – being her comfort drink ever since they were kids. Decked in a pair of sweatpants and a sweater of his and her eyes didn’t have any life behind them as she seemed to be staring off into space. As soon as she heard his footsteps enter the living room, she stared at him waiting for the inevitable questions to start flowing past his lips._

_When he doesn’t say anything, Nini frowns tears beginning to collect in her eyes again, “He’s been cheating on me.” She confesses the reason for her visit, the tears trickling down her cheeks before she realized it._

_“Oh, sweetheart.” Ricky’s voice was soft as ever, despite the anger that was building up inside him. He takes the final steps to sit down next to her, taking the mug out of her hands as he sets it down on the coffee table in front of them. Wrapping his arms around her small frame, he rubs a hand up and down her back in hopes to comfort his teary-eyed best friend. The boy not caring that she was soaking his shirt with her fresh tears. Nini pulls her legs to drape over his lap as she draws him in closer._

_Pressing his lips against the top of her head, as he mumbles, “What happened?”_

_It takes her a few moments to answer him, pulling back from his embrace she drops her hands into her lap fiddling with her fingers. “He-uh, I caught him.” Nini stumbles over her words. “I-I was on my w-way home from class. A-And, I stopped for coffee and saw his car. He was k-kissing this girl in the back and i-it wasn’t those little pecks if y-you know what I’m g-getting at...”_

_“Oh my god, I am so sorry, ladybug.” He pulls her into his chest once more, the girl sinking into his embrace once more as she wraps her arms around his torso. “Does he know?” Ricky asks quietly, shifting slightly into a more comfortable position with Nini practically on top of him lifting his hand to wipe the tears away for the girl._

_Nini nods, “I knocked on the window.” She answers sheepishly._

_Ricky’s chest vibrates for a moment in a low chuckle unable to help himself, “What did he say? Did he try to talk his way out of it?”_

_“No, he was honest.” She shakes her head. “He was bored of me. And he k-kind of thought I wasn’t really committed.” Nini mutters, “I just- I didn’t really know what to say. So, I left, and next thing I knew I was at the airport. I just, after everything that happened I knew that I needed you and I-I would’ve called but-”_

_“But nothing,” He interrupts her spiel, his hand runs up and down her back continuously. “You can fly here whenever you need me. Even if it’s for something as silly as me tying your shoes.” His joke caused the girl in his arms to giggle, the light laughter causing a smile to break onto his face. “You’re always welcome here, I hope you know that.”_

_Nini nods against his chest, “Thank you.”_

_“How are you holding up?” Ricky asks as he threads his fingers through her tangled locks._

_“Not great.” She admits quietly, tightening her grip around him for a moment, “Do you think we can watch Finding Nemo?”_

_He nods in agreement, as he pulls away he squeezes her hand three times before getting out of his seat to set everything up. He was trying so hard not to be angry at Nick for the sake of his best friend, but he couldn’t help but want to fly all the way to New York and beat his cheating ass. It was one thing breaking his best friend’s heart, but cheating on her with some other girl? That just warranted a lifelong hatred against the man._

_He left Nini on the couch to change out of his work clothes and into a comfortable set of sweats to match hers. Moving Nini’s small carry-on bag to lean up next to his dresser, it seemed she wasn’t really thinking when she threw it into his bedroom. Deciding that this occasion definitely called the original DVD they used to watch as kids, he begins to scrounge through his things before finding the disc._

_Nini was still on the couch when he reentered the living room. But this time she had a bowl of popcorn and chocolate pudding on the table that he didn’t even realize they had. Along with another mug of hot chocolate, piled high with marshmallows. Nini was dipping every piece of popcorn into the pudding before she ate it, a small grin made its way onto his face at the combination. They had ordered pizza in preparation for their night in and Ricky was planning on taking out the ice cream out of his freezer as soon as they finished with their dinner._

_However, there was a fearful look on Nini’s face and he couldn’t quite understand why. Setting the DVD down on the coffee table, he sits next to Nini placing a hand on one of her hands that rested in her lap. Running his thumb over her smooth skin, he doesn’t say a word figuring that the look on her face was just her mind repeating the events in the last twenty-four hours._

_Ricky was about to stand up to put the DVD in but paused in his tracks at the sound of Nini’s quiet and timid voice._

_“Am I enough?” She whispers, barely audible he nearly misses it._

_Ricky moves to cradle her face in his hands, noticing the tears collecting in her eyes once more. “Of course, you are Nini.” Ricky answers. He hated seeing his best friend completely heartbroken and he couldn’t do anything to fix it._

_Nini sniffles, her nose scrunching up slightly as she does so, “I don’t know how to believe you.” Nini discloses, her hands laid in her lap twisting together, not quite sure what to do with them. “If I was enough, how come he cheated on me? How come I didn’t notice? How come that no matter how much I want to deny what he said, he’s absolutely right?” The small girl sighs, as she pulls her head out of his grasp, casting her eyes down to the ground, “Maybe I deserved it.”_

_“No, Nini, no!” Ricky rushes to take hold of her cheeks once more, as he begs for her to look into his eyes, “No matter what you may or may not feel for him, you never deserved any of it. If he didn’t love you, he should’ve at least had the guts to tell you. Not this high school cheating bullshit behaviour. Nini, you deserve the whole world and more. I know you don’t believe me right now, but you do.” His own tears began to prick his eyes as he heard the words tumble from her mouth._

_In all his years, he never once thought Nini didn’t deserve anything less than the entire world. Was it because he’s been practically in love with her since high school? Maybe. But, besides that, he knows that Nini deserved so much more than some cheating asshole. And he’ll do anything in his power to make her believe him._

_Although Ricky was holding her face in his hands, she still kept her eyes trained on anything but his own. She nibbled on her bottom lip, desperately wanting to believe what he said but it was far too difficult at the moment. Ricky’s eyes focused on her face, as if he stared long enough that maybe she’ll finally return his gaze._

_“You’re right.” Nini breathes out after a few moments, “I don’t believe you. But maybe one day I will.” She sends him the best encouraging smile she could muster despite everything._

_Ricky sighs, knowing that’s probably the best he’s going to get out of her tonight. In his heart, he knew that everything he had said was true, and wanted to fight her on the fact that she deserved so much more than what the world could offer her. But she was having an internal battle and he couldn’t push her into believing a word he said. Especially when her perception of herself at the moment was far from ideal._

_Bringing her face closer to his own, he leans up and plants a kiss to her forehead. “I hope that day is soon, bug.” He mumbles against her skin, “Because if you saw what I see in you, then you’d understand.”_

_Nini purses her lips together, a breath of air expelling through her nose as she takes a hold of his wrists squeezing them twice. Silently telling Ricky that she’s glad that he was there without needing to use her words. The gesture caused Ricky to press another small lingering kiss to her forehead, inhaling her scent before pulling back, studying the girl for a moment. Dropping his hands from her face, he moves off of the couch to put the DVD in for them._

_As the beginning scenes of ‘Finding Nemo’ play on the screen, he lets Nini slide into his side as she rests her head on his shoulder. The atmosphere around them was somewhere in between melancholy and relief; as they sit next to the person they call home._

* * *

If Ricky was being honest, Carlos was starting to get on his last nerve. In the last year, his long-time friend has been bugging him on finding a girlfriend. The number of dates that Carlos had set up for him in the last few months was overwhelming to say the least. He always went into dates with a nonchalant attitude, figuring that nothing will pan out and it was incredibly rare if it ever did.

So, Ricky wasn’t surprised when Carlos came barging into their apartment with an exasperated look on his face. “You haven’t called Emma?!” The Latino practically shouts at him.

Rolling his eyes as he leans back further into the couch, hoping if he sunk in far enough the couch would swallow him up. Thankful that he had his guitar pressed against his stomach, otherwise he knew a pillow would come flying at him.

“Why do you care?” Ricky grunts, plucking at the strings playing around with the melody that’s been stuck in his head the last couple of days.

“You said you had a nice time on Friday!” Carlos argues, taking a seat on the adjacent couch, stripping his jacket and backpack off and tossing it haphazardly on the ground. “What’s wrong with this one?”

His tongue darts out, licking his lips in thought. There was no outright reason that he didn’t like Emma. After he returned from his date on Friday, he didn’t lie to Carlos. He had a good time, Emma was a nice girl and they had fun but there just wasn’t this spark or connection that he yearns for.

Shrugging his shoulders as he keeps his focus on the strings of his guitar, “Nothing.” He mumbles, switching chords as he strums out a new tune. “Not my type, I guess.”

“Bullshit.” Carlos practically sneers in his direction, “There’s gotta be something.”

“I could tell you.” EJ pipes up, hearing the entire conversation from his place in the kitchen. He had a box of Oreos in his hands as he walked into the living room.

Ricky eyes his best friend curiously, pausing his guitar playing for a moment, “There’s nothing to tell.”

“Yeah, there is. And the answer’s easy.” EJ nods, taking a bite of his Oreo as he continues not caring if he was talking with food in his mouth. “I’ll give you a hint. It has to do with a certain girl, her name has four letters and the first two letters repeat themselves.”

Taken aback by EJ’s accusation, Ricky’s hands stop fiddling with the guitar in his lap. Shifting in his spot, he sits up straighter on the couch as he looks between his two friends that seemed to be having a silent conversation between them.

Carlos scoffs, “I knew it. You’re not over her. You never were.”

He feels his jaw tighten as he listens to his friends. No matter how much he wanted to deny his friends accusations, he knew deep down in his heart that they weren’t entirely wrong. But that didn’t mean he was going to let up on them that easily, because to him, whatever romantic feelings he still has for her doesn’t change anything.

“Will you drop it?” Ricky’s face contorts into an annoyed expression.

“No.” EJ refuses a determined tone in his voice, walking further into the room standing in front of Ricky the coffee table serving as a barrier between the two boys. Offering a cookie to Carlos, and once he takes one he sets the box down on the table. “You and Jess broke up because you couldn’t commit to her. That was over two years ago. Ever since then you’ve had all these flaky dates and flings and none of them you ever pushed through to see if they were worth trying out.”

Carlos makes a noise in agreement, swallowing his bite, “You’re looking for this perfect girl.” He leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees as he stares at this roommate, “Someone to check every single one of your boxes in this stupid list of an ideal partner you have in your head. But have you ever considered that you can’t find that girl because you already have?”

“You’ve never been in love with a girl like you are with Nini.” EJ adds.

All the words his friends were spewing at him, he was beginning to get agitated. He hated that they could practically see right through him. He knew that when he went out with girls, he would look for certain qualities in them. It never really occurred to him that he compared them to his best friend, but now thinking about it, they weren’t wrong.

If he couldn’t find a person to check off every single box that he’s created, then he knew there was no point in trying things out with them. In his heart, he knows that they would never live up to his first love. It wasn’t fair, he knows this, but he did it to spare them the heartache. There might not ever be a girl he loves more than he loves Nini. In the end, he was sparing everyone’s time and heart no matter how crappy it may sound.

“Stop it!” Ricky stands up abruptly, surprising everyone in the room. Carefully he sets his guitar down on the couch, propping it up against the armrest. “I can’t, okay?!”

EJ presses his lips together into a tight line, sizing Ricky up. “Can’t.” He repeats, mostly saying it for himself rather than anyone else in the room. “You’ve always said you don’t.”

“Because I can’t.” Ricky groans out in frustration, dropping his hands back down to his sides. “We’ve talked about it and things are just too complicated.”

“You’ve talked about it?” Carlos asks, standing up along with the other boys not quite reaching any of their heights but dismissing that fact.

Ricky nods reluctantly at his question, his tongue darts out to lick his dry lips, “Last year.” He lets out a deep sigh, his eyes shifting all over the room as he replays the conversation in his head. They hadn’t said much in all actuality, but it was definitely more than they’ve ever talked about it before. “Things were complicated then, and they still are now.”

Silence fills the room at Ricky’s solemn expression, the two boys completely shocked about what their friend had just admitted. Neither were aware of this conversation that Ricky had brought up, and it was surprising to say the least. Especially to EJ because Ricky told EJ everything.

No one said anything for a few moments. EJ and Carlos watching Ricky carefully as the tall boy in front of them kept his eyes trained on the coffee table below them. A half empty coffee mug sat on the wooden table, probably ice cold by now due to the cold that had been seeping through the windows all day. Doing everything he could to look anywhere but at his two friends that were practically begging for answers.

Deciding to test the waters, Carlos clears his throat and when Ricky’s head doesn’t lift from the coffee table he chooses to continue anyway. “What’s complicated?” He asks.

Ricky scoffs, shifting his gaze to look out the dark window at the night sky that was disrupted with the city’s skyline and busy city life. “Everything.” He answers with a defeated tone, “Distance, our parents. Me and Nini don’t have a normal friendship, we never have. From being friends since birth to me moving across the country. Everything about our relationship isn’t normal. There are too many things for us to take into consideration that it’s just safer this way.”

“So, your solution is to just ignore your feelings for her?” EJ chimes in.

Running his tongue along his teeth, Ricky nodded along to what EJ had said. He pushes his hands into his messy hair, scrubbing his hands down his face as he tries to calm himself down.

“Don’t you get it?” Ricky groans out in frustration, dropping his hands back down to his sides aggravated by the conversation at hand. “I _can’t_ be in love with her.”

Letting out an exasperated noise, not quite sure where it came from and before he knew it he started spewing words out that he didn’t even realize was running through his mind. “There’s too much on the line to let myself fall. Nini has been all that I’ve known ever since we were kids. She is my best friend. I don’t know what would happen if I lost her to something like this. In high school, that’s what I would always think about when I considered telling her the truth. Do you know how hard I worked to make those feelings go away? And you know what’s fucking crazy?” He pauses, laughing to himself out of disbelief as he runs his hand through his messy curls. “I kid myself into believing that they ever left. I believe that I’m not in love her, every day, I believe it. But then I fucking hear her laugh or she sends me a stupid picture, or I just hear her say my name and there I am. Falling all over again.”

It felt like the air around him stood still, Ricky barely able to get any oxygen into his lungs as the realization started to sink in. No matter how many times he denies the fact that he could potentially see his best friend as more than just friends, it was just an outright lie. He was lying to himself, to his friends, to literally everyone that has asked him.

It felt as if his world started spinning as he heard the words he had said aloud repeat over and over again in his head. Frantically, he looks around the room to see his friends slacken jaws basically confirming that Ricky indeed said everything out loud for them to hear. Ricky himself didn’t even realize what he was doing or even the fact that he had felt any of it.

Never once has it occurred to him that he was still falling in love with her. He had convinced himself enough to believe that the romantic feelings for his best friend dissipated once they left high school. Suppressing those feelings so much to the point they remained non-existent in his conscious mind but ate away at his unconscious one daily.

Falling in love with Nini felt like an endless pit.

When people talk about falling in love they mention how after they’ve fallen they can’t get back up. Ricky thought that wasn’t true, always believed it was a ridiculous saying because he made himself believe that he did manage to get back up. That he managed to grab hold of the ledge, and pulled himself back to the surface where it was safe and away from anything that could harm him. But in reality, he never did. He’s fallen so far, that he didn’t even realize the depths of his love for his best friend.

There was not a day that had gone by that he didn’t find another reason to love her. It felt like he had a million reasons in a long list written in his head, each one in perfect detail. Nini was always surprising him to say the least. Each day she just proved to be this amazing and wonderful and beautiful person, that he couldn’t even imagine living without.

As realization begins to settle in, Ricky felt like he was about to collapse. Heat swarmed the entirety of his body, his head felt like it was spinning on one of those rollercoasters that make you want to puke your guts out. His face draining in colour as fear of what this meant for him.

“ _Fuck_.” Ricky whispers, drawing out the single curse word. Falling back to sit down on the couch as he drops his head into his hands, resting his elbows on his knees as he feels his head pounding in on itself. He grasps at his curly hair, his fists tight as his knuckles began to match the colour on his face.

“I’m fucking in love with her.”

* * *

_“ **How did you move on?** ” Nini asks Ricky randomly._

_Ricky chokes at her question, his eyebrows knitting together in confusion as he grabs his glass of water to wash down the food that was lodged in his throat. Not expecting the question to come from his best friend’s mouth, he wonders what she was talking about._

_“Is this about Nick?” He asks, mentioning his best friend’s ex-boyfriend._

_“ **Oh my god, Ricky!** ” She gasps, her eyes widening at his statement. “ **Why would you think this is about him?** ”_

_He leans back in his seat, getting smaller on the screen as he pushes further away from the camera. More confused than her, trying to read what was going on in his best friend’s mind since it seemed she wasn’t going to divulge into the reasoning behind her question._

_Rolling his eyes at his best friend, “Nins, he was your first boyfriend that actually broke your heart. How could I not think that this is about him?” He bluntly answers, as he shovels another forkful of pasta into his mouth._

_“ **Okay, fine** ,” She mumbles, her eyes flickering between the screen and her dinner a couple times. Her mouth twitches ever so slightly, immediately telling Ricky that she was about to lie her ass off. “ **My friend asked the same question. And, if we’re being honest, I didn’t know what to say. It’s not because I’m still not over Nick, I am, trust me. But, I just don’t know exactly what helped me move on from him**.”_

_“Oh,” Ricky nods, not quite believing what she had said but deciding to entertain her, “I don’t know. I mean, I didn’t find it that hard to move on from Jess.” Mentioning his most recent ex-girlfriend, because in his mind she was really the only person he tried really hard with._

_Nini furrows her brows at his statement, “ **What about Christy? And Kylah, and Lucy an-** ”_

_“Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up,” He interrupts her quickly, leaning towards the screen, his face nearly filling up the entirety of his camera. “Don’t make me sound like a serial dater or something. I didn’t date all those girls.”_

_“ **Yes, you did.** ” She argues, “ **Christy and Kylah were from junior year and-** ”_

_“Nins,” He interjects once more, “They were one date, two dates tops.”_

_He watches as she picks up her spoon, bringing it to her lips as she sips her soup slowly as she reflected on the past. Ricky thought Nini knew that those other girls didn’t really matter to him, because no matter how shitty it might sound he was trying to find a way to get over the beautiful brunette that constantly filled his mind. And despite his best efforts, he was never able to get her out of his head even to this day._

_“ **You had one serious girlfriend in high school from what I remember.** ” She voices her thoughts._

_Confusion written all over his face, he sets his fork down on the table. “No, I didn’t.”_

_Nini couldn’t believe they were arguing about this right now. “ **Audrey?** ” She reminds him of the first girl he ever mentioned to Nini._

_“She wasn’t my girlfriend.” Ricky admits with a slight shake of his head, “Did I see her for a little bit? Yeah, but we never dated at least officially. I couldn’t fully commit to anyone back then.”_

_Taken aback by what he had said, she threads her fingers through her tangled hair as she pushes it back and out of her face. Pressing her lips together for a moment before pressing the matter further, a little too curious for her own good._

_The expression on her face was clear to Ricky that she wasn’t going to drop the topic any time soon. Biting the inside of his cheek in thought, nerves beginning to flow through him as he debates whether or not he should tell Nini the truth. This was a conversation he never expected to have with her, and over FaceTime no less._

_Scared that things would be awkward and weird between them if he told her the truth. His brain kept throwing discouraging and encouraging messages back and forth as he battles with what to do. How to answer the unsaid question that was practically screaming at him through her brown eyes._

_If he tells her the truth, it could change everything. But at the same time, he knew he wanted to. It’s been a long time coming, and he knew that he needed to be completely and utterly honest with her for his peace of mind. Even if it leads them nowhere, at least he could say he was honest with her._

_“If I tell you, promise me you won’t be weirded out or anything.” Ricky finally utters._

_Holding a hand to her heart and the other was up in the air mockingly, “ **Promise**.”_

_Chuckling at his best friend’s antics, shaking his head making his curls flop from side to side by the action. He pulls his lip in between his teeth as he stills his head once more to look at Nini through the screen._

_“I kind of had this stupid idea that like you’d be my first girlfriend.” He sinks his teeth down into his lip once more, adding a lot more pressure than he had done earlier. Completely scared by what her reaction was going to be. “I thought you’d be my first everything.” He confesses with a breathy chuckle, his eyes diverting away from her face for a moment. The silence from her was beginning to scare him, quickly adding in, “And like I know that wasn’t at all possible considering our situation and stuff. But I always thought it would’ve been you.”_

_What he hated most was that he couldn’t read the expression that was on her face. Not to brag or anything, but he’s pretty much got all of Nini’s facial expressions memorized and could tell exactly what was going on in her head. This would be the first in a long time that he couldn’t tell what she was thinking about._

_After what felt like forever, Nini took a deep sigh, lifting her eyes back to the screen and it felt like she was staring straight into his soul. “ **You thought about us?”** Nini mutters, her gaze shifting down, the movement of her hand telling Ricky she was sliding her finger across her keyboard nervously. “ **Like…in that way?** ”_

_“Of course.” Ricky gulps at his admission, a little frightened that he was too quick with his answer. Pressing his lips together as he stared back at his best friend, watching as she fell silent. Maybe even stopped breathing for a moment as he notes her shoulders barely moving at his answer. “Did you ever?” He asks quietly, nervous for her answer._

_“ **Yeah, how could I not?”** Nini nods, still not looking up at Ricky. The boy felt as if his heart stopped beating all together at her confession, his breath hitching in his throat as he waited for her to continue. “ **Things were just too complicated back then.** ”_

_“Are they still?” He asks, his voice coming out softer than ever before._

_An air of silence falls around them, both Ricky and Nini knew the answer to that question and neither were happy about it. Nini forces herself to finally look up at Ricky, his eyes full of hope and a small glimmer of pain behind them._

_“ **You know that they are, Ricky.** ” Nini presses her lips together as she sends him a sad smile, “ **But if it’s any consolation, I thought you’d be my first everything too.** "_

* * *

“That tickles.” Nini giggles, she squirms slightly as she feels Ricky’s hair brush against her ear.

It was finally winter break and just like every Christmas, Nini had flown out to Chicago. Ever since Ricky had moved away, Nini and her moms would fly out to Chicago for Christmas break. Then Ricky’s family would fly out to Salt Lake during the summer months. His parents could only stay for two weeks because of their work, but they usually let Ricky stay for another month or so.

Nini and Ricky were pretty sure their parents had made this arrangement to lighten the fact that they were all separated for the majority of the year. But other than that, they had an inkling their parents did it for themselves too.

Just like Ricky and Nini, their moms were practically attached at the hip and their move was the longest that the three girls were separated. As the two younger kids grew up, they saw the toll it had on their parents. It was clear that they missed each other terribly, probably calling each other nearly as much as Ricky and Nini did. When Ricky was doing homework in the kitchen, he could hear them chattering loudly on the phone to the point it felt like they were in the same room, and the same thing went for Nini.

Their agreement always made sure that they would all see each other at least twice a year. Usually it would be more, sometimes Lynne would head to Salt Lake to visit her moms during the year and Ricky would beg to bring him along. And when Dana had a convention in Chicago which usually occurred every year or so, Nini would join her and she would stay at the Bowen’s for the few days they were there.

Distance was always hard, all of them would admit. Even Mike who wasn’t nearly as tight with the girls, not being able to break their bond. But Carol was the reason that Mike and Lynne had even met, the man having shared a few classes with Carol during college. So, it was safe to say he was always excited for the holidays to roll around to see his friends. Having been in contact with Dana and Carol longer than most of his friends now.

It was reassuring to Ricky and Nini that they weren’t the only ones affected by the move. At the time they didn’t quite realize it, having been too young to fully understand. They were just kids, just starting their teenage life and like most teenagers they thought mostly about themselves. And in all actuality, it comforted them that they weren’t alone.

“You’d think you’ve gotten used to my hair by now.” Ricky teases, adjusting his position on the bed as he flattens his hair to no avail. “We’ve only ever cuddled like a thousand times.” He points out, a stupid grin taking over his face as his hold around her waist tightens.

Nini rolls her eyes as she shifts her gaze to glance over at Ricky. He was decked out in a loose V-neck that she’s only ever seen him wear around the house, never outside, and a pair of sweatpants. His necklace peaked through the collar of his shirt, but the pendant was tucked underneath the cotton. And just as she assumed, his hair was a little wild, probably due to the amount of times he’s run his finger through his hair in the last hour alone.

“You’re lucky I’m even allowing you to right now.” She mutters, turning on her side to get a good look of the boy despite the dim lighting that illuminated his bedroom, bringing her hand up to run through his hair for a moment. “If our parents caught us, I wouldn’t think twice about murdering you.”

When they were kids cuddling was always a given. It usually came along with watching a movie or if one of them was having a bad day. But as the pair grew older, they were more drawn to each other’s touch as if they were like magnets. Finding any excuse to cuddle each other, until there came a day when they didn’t need an excuse and would just find themselves tucked closely into each other’s embrace.

Seeing as they knew each other since birth they never thought it was weird or abnormal. It felt like home, and it was never a really a big thing for them or even their parents. But then one summer, it was like a light switch and their parents completely flipped out when they found the pair cuddling in bed.

The first time that it happened, they were both freshly sixteen. Nothing was out of the ordinary for the pair, they had their usual day with their friends and were exhausted and decided to relax in Nini’s bedroom like they normally do. Both wrapped up in her sheets, Nini’s back pressed against his chest and his arms wrapped tightly around her waist as they napped.

What came after about an hour is what surprised the pair the most.

Nini’s moms had walked in wondering what they wanted for dinner and found them in the compromising position. Saving their kids from complete embarrassment, they decided to wait to talk to them separately after dinner. Dana had taken Nini and told her that they shouldn’t be doing what they had been doing. The young girl argued saying that they’ve been doing that forever, but apparently their parents weren’t having it.

After the rather uncomfortable conversation, Nini and Ricky sat in her room on opposite ends of the bed facing each other. The door wide open as requested by her moms and they chatted quietly about what had just happened. And suddenly, things started to make sense.

Ricky’s parents had told him before they left for Chicago that since they were growing up, things are bound to change. At the time Ricky didn’t quite understand what that meant. But after talking to Carol, hearing some of the same phrases his parents had used, things started to click in his head.

It meant far more than what either of them were comfortable even thinking about. Sure, they both harboured some type of feelings that went beyond friendship. However, they never pictured their cuddling anything more than what it was. It was so normal to them that it just felt like Ricky and Nini, not two people that were trying to get into bed with each other. Even though their parents knew they wouldn’t try anything, they couldn’t be too careful.

Thus, bringing the pair to the no cuddling rule. Well, at least to their parents’ knowledge.

They agreed that they can cuddle but only when they know their parents have headed off to bed or aren’t home. It was a lot safer when they were away for school, not needing to worry about their parents catching them. They were twenty-one and shouldn’t really care about being caught, but the conversation from Dana and Carol practically torments them in their minds and they were not willing to ever experience that again.

“Yeah, yeah,” Ricky huffs, bringing his hand up and Nini immediately lines her own palm perfectly against his own. “It’s always my fault. I know, bug, don’t gotta remind me.”

Nini giggles in agreement, watching as the tips of Ricky’s fingers curve over the tops of hers. Her hand compared to his was incredibly small and dainty; Ricky used to tease her about how she had small hands unlike his large ones. But he told her that he kind of loved that about her, thinking that they fit perfectly against his own.

Silence falls around them as they focus on their aligned hands. Nini focused on Ricky’s breathing, she couldn’t help but notice it deepening. It may have been subtle, but she had caught on to it. The girl didn’t want to question him about the sudden change, thinking that maybe it was just him beginning to zone out as exhaustion from their long day was starting to get to him.

In her defense, he did zone out. But not in the way that Nini had thought. It felt as if every part of his body that touched hers was on fire. His realization in regard to his best friend has been on the forefront of his mind the last couple of weeks. After his sudden epiphany, he wasn’t quite sure what to do about the information.

Was he supposed to act on it? Was he simply supposed to forget that it happened? But how could he? This is his best friend he’s talking about. No matter how much he tries to suppress and forget that he held those feelings for her, they weren’t going to just go away. They haven’t left since high school, what makes him think they were going to go away now?

In the two weeks between his realization and Nini’s arrival, all he could think about was them. That if he told her, then maybe since they were older they could actually give them a shot. Although their conversation from a while back wasn’t exactly the most uplifting one, maybe her view about it has changed. Maybe she wanted it just as badly as he did.

Whatever is or was complicated between them getting together shouldn’t even really matter at this point. He knows what he wants, and he knows that it’s a big risk. But life is full of risks. And if Ricky was being honest, he’s not exactly sure what’s keeping them apart now. Sure, there’s their living conditions and their parents to think about but really that isn’t even that big of a deal in his opinion.

Because the one thing Ricky was sure about, was that EJ is right. He’s never been in love with a girl the same way he’s in love with Nini. And he doesn’t think there’ll _ever_ be a girl he could love more than the one in his arms at that very moment.

And it was like his mouth had a mind of its own, he started speaking without realizing what the words were until they tumbled out of his mouth.

“Sometimes I forget why we’re not together.” He murmurs.

Nini’s breath hitches in her throat as she hears Ricky’s soft voice with the most weighted sentence she’s probably ever heard in her life. Retracting her palm, she sits up in his bed. Running her fingers through her scalp as she takes in a deep shaky breath, glancing over her shoulder to look down at the boy she loves.

“You can’t say those kinds of things, Ricky.” She shakes her head disapprovingly.

“Why not?” Ricky sits up, folding one of his legs underneath himself as he faces Nini but is only met with her side profile. He gently placed his hand on the small of her back, feeling the grooves and the divots of her spine, his fingertips caressing them gently. “It’s true.” He states matter-of-factly.

Pressing her lips into a tight line, she starts to scratch at her nail polish despite having just painted them a few days prior. Letting out a deep breath, she turns her head to look up at her best friend, both of them wearing the same expression on their faces.

“Because it gives me hope.”

Ricky’s other hand comes up to tuck a strand of her long hair behind her ear, daringly cupping her cheek after he does so. His eyes bore into hers, most of her features were dark due to the poor lighting in the room but even then he could make out the smallest of details on her face. The corner of her lips turned slightly downwards in a disheartened pout, and her eyes looked like she was lost. Like she wasn’t quite sure what to think or believe in that very moment.

And that’s because she didn’t.

“Is that so bad?” He asks, his voice was barely above a whisper. It was as if he spoke too loudly, then their reverie would break and go back to their life where they pretended that neither of them knew how the other felt. “Being hopeful means that there’s a chance.”

“It does.” She answers his question, grabbing his hand that was holding her face and bringing it into her lap. She runs her fingers across his palm until their fingers interlock. “But for us?” She finds the courage to utter what’s been pressing on her mind, even if it is not the complete transparency he’s craving for. “It could very well be false hope. And I don’t think I can handle that, could you?”

Neither of them say anything else for the rest of the night. Simply replaying the short conversation over and over in their heads as they laid next to each other wanting to desperately take it all back. But at that moment, they knew they couldn’t. Nini was right. If it all turned out to be false hope, where would they land in the end? Would they be able to salvage their friendship if it fell to pieces? Would they survive the aftermath as their hearts breaking?

It was safe to say, neither of them knew the answer.

* * *

_The two best friends were lying in Ricky’s bedroom; they wouldn’t necessarily call it his childhood bedroom since they both knew that particular room remained in Salt Lake. However, they spent just as much time in his Chicago bedroom compared to the one back in their hometown._

_They watched it change over the years as Ricky outgrew his bright blue and green sheets to a more matured and muted gray. His walls were no longer plastered with posters and picture frames, even the furniture was incredibly minimal. Mostly due to the fact that Ricky had taken some of his things when he moved out just under three years ago. His parents kept his room nice and tidy for whenever he decided on paying them a visit, and especially for the holidays._

_This holiday was like all the ones before. They had their usual Christmas Eve dinner and Christmas morning present exchange and all of their other Christmas traditions. The two families took part in the festival downtown and had game and movie nights nearly every night._

_After a long day, Ricky and Nini had managed to find their way back into his room using the excuse they were going to search for Ricky’s old comic book collection. But once they made it back to his room, neither of them moved in search of them. Deciding to just play some music as they embraced the little time they have left together._

_Ricky’s arm was draped around Nini’s shoulder lazily, her head laid in the crook of his neck comfortably as she fiddled with her phone as they chatted quietly between each other. Both skirting around the fact that in just a few more days Nini would have to fly back to New York for the beginning of the new semester._

_She wasn’t quite sure about him, but her attention was focused on the door. Trying to use as much of her hearing as possible in the event one of their parents came walking by Ricky’s bedroom and she needed to get out of his hold as soon as possible. However, Ricky was making that a little harder because he couldn’t seem to stop talking about whatever would come to his mind._

_“When I told Ashlyn about it, she completely started dying of laughter. Said it was something very ‘EJ-like’ and that I shouldn’t even be surprised at this point.” Ricky laughs, his head tipping to the side to see Nini’s face completely unfazed by his story. Tapping her exposed stomach twice where his warm hand was splayed, wondering if she’d notice the small movement, and it seemed like she didn’t. “Yeah, and then EJ started running around in a dinosaur costume down the streets, tumbling down the hill and slid into the lake that led him to be with the mermaids.” He decides to continue, fibbing his story trying to get a rise out of the girl._

_Nini hums in acknowledgment, “Really?” She answers with an unamused tone in her voice, tapping on her screen as she was playing a game she downloaded a few weeks ago._

_“Nins, you’re not even listening to me.” He points out, using the hand that wrapped around her shoulder and poked his finger into her ear teasingly._

_“Ew!” Nini smacks his hand away, jerking her head in the opposite direction of his finger with a disgusted look on his face. “Why did you do that?!” She snaps her head to look up at her best friend._

_“Because you weren’t listening!” He argues, rolling over as he laid his top half onto his best friend as he challenged her with a scowl._

_Nini scrunches her nose at his accusation, despite it being true she decided to counter his argument. “I was! You were talking about EJ and a dinosaur and mermaids. Ha!” She wags her finger in his face as she makes her point._

_Before either of them could say anything else they heard Lynne calling their names from down the hall, her footsteps continuing to grow louder as she made her way closer to Ricky’s bedroom._

_Nini’s eyes fly wide open, her cheeks flaring up in heat almost immediately in fear of being caught. Her head throws a million thoughts in her direction, trying to think of a way to make it seem like they weren’t cuddling. And did the first thing that popped into her head, at the time it seemed the most logical._

_Pushing at Ricky a little too harshly but at the time she didn’t really notice the amount of force she used to get him off of her. And before she knew it, she saw Ricky’s long limbs tumbling over the edge of the bed and down onto the hardwood floor. A low groan escaping the boy’s throat as he makes contact with the hard surface._

_“Ricky! Nini!” Lynne calls, pushing the cracked door open, “We- Oh.” The older woman’s eyes fell to her son that was lying on his stomach on the floor. Eyebrows raised and widened eyes, her mouth forming a small ‘o’ as she tries to piece together what she had just walked in on. “Honey, what are you doing on the floor?”_

_“Hi Mom,” He mumbles, as he pushes himself up into a seated position._

_Nini, always quick on her feet, answers before Ricky had any time to even think of some excuse, “He was bragging about going to the gym.” She tells the woman, she was practically like Nini’s third mom. “And even if that were true, he eats far too much takeout to be even remotely in shape.”_

_“Nins!” Ricky gasps, shooting daggers at his best friend._

_“So, I bet him that he couldn’t do fifty push-ups.” Nini ignores his protest, “And let’s just say he didn’t make it pass twenty.”_

_Lynne lets out a laugh, her eyes crinkling at the edges as she watches the two best friends shoot glares at each other. Although Nini was definitely the better liar between the two kids, she was well aware of what had been going on just a few moments before she had walked in having heard the thump from down the hall. But at this point, she couldn’t find it in herself to care._

_They are adults now and don’t need to be lectured every time they cuddled. At this point, they know what they are doing, who was she to tell them they shouldn’t?_

_“I just came in to tell you the popcorn is ready, Nini.” Lynne sends her a bright smile, knowing how much Nini absolutely loved her style of popcorn. “And we’re going to watch Home Alone if you two are interested.”_

_Nini nods in excitement, mostly about the popcorn. “We’ll be down in a little bit, Lynne.”_

_The older woman mutters a message in agreement and smiles at the pair one last time before making her way out of the room. Standing outside the door for a few moments, hearing the small interaction between the two kids._

_“I can do fifty push-ups mind you, loser.” Ricky huffs._

_“Like I care how many you can do.” Nini argues, throwing a pillow at his face, the soft item toppling down onto the ground with a soft thud, “We almost got caught again. And whose fault was it? Oh, yeah yours! It’s always your fault!”_

_“Well, I’m sorry I like to cuddle.” Ricky groans, Lynne hearing the floorboards creak leading her to assume he was getting up from his spot on the floor. “Plus, I know you love cuddling me, don’t even deny it!” He whisper yells back at his best friend._

_Nini groans, “Ugh whatever. Get your ass downstairs before your mom thinks anything else!”_

_As soon as Lynne hears them shuffling around the room, she quickly makes her way back down the stairs to join Mike and her best friends. Smiling to herself as she thinks about the two kids still caring if they got caught, even though the two sets of parents talked about it and mentioned it was quite cute that they still cuddled like they were kids. And they thought it was actually rather funny that they still thought they cared if they did or not._

_If any of their parents noticed how close the pair sat during the movie they didn’t say anything about it._

* * *

Nini knew it was a mistake to tell anyone about her conversation with Big Red over the summer. She didn’t even mean to tell a single soul about her feelings, and yet managed to tell not one, but two people about her deepest secret. The first one being Big Red obviously, and the other was her first friend she had made when she moved to New York.

Sebastian Matthew-Smith is the kindest person you’ll ever have the chance of meeting. He’s from a small town in Indiana and decided to pursue the performance arts at NYU wanting a taste of the city life. The pair had met during orientation Freshman year and have been the best of friends ever since.

The blond boy was always looking out for his friends. He had a way of getting them to talk about what’s going on in their heads, being able to tell when something has been bugging them the last couple of weeks. And when Nini had returned from summer break earlier that year, it was clear the girl wasn’t exactly in the right headspace.

As a concerned friend, he had asked her about her summer and when she gave a vague answer he knew that there was more to the story that she wasn’t quite willing to share just yet. After a few weeks, and a late night in as they sipped on their own glasses of wine he had asked her once more. That was when she had spilled her guts out, telling him that she was in love with her best friend.

Nini first realized she was in love with Ricky when she was seventeen years old. However, her feelings for him began during their early years in high school; Nini not quite realizing that what she felt in her heart was love. And as the years went on her feelings for him never really went away, even when she was dating Jack and Nick. No matter how hard she tried to forget about him, those feelings only grew stronger with time. Her best friend would always have a piece of heart, but she’s accepted the fact that they couldn’t be together.

She supposes the reason she told Big Red and Seb about her feelings regarding her best friend was because of a certain conversation they had a few months before she had returned to Salt Lake for the summer. It was when Nini fully realized that her and Ricky could never have a real chance to even try things out. There were far too many variables they had to consider. Even if he loves her, just like the way she loves him, life wasn’t that simple.

Sure, it was probably the realest conversation her and Ricky have ever had in regard to their unspoken feelings for each other. But that didn’t really give her any sort of solace. Rather, it tore her apart a little bit. There was always this little ball of hope inside her that thought maybe one day, when the timing was right, they could maybe give it a shot. But not everything works out the way she wants them to, and it was finally time for her to accept that.

So, when Seb asks a question she knew was coming one afternoon when they were studying in the student lounge, she already had her answer.

The blond seemed to be shifting his gaze between his notebook and the girl in front of him a couple of times trying to find the right timing and words to ask her what’s been pecking at his mind ever since she returned. Deciding to throw caution to the wind, he decides to just blurt out his question, figuring it was the fastest way to get his answer.

“Did you tell Ricky?” He asks, vague enough to not make her completely uncomfortable.

Nini lifts her head to look her friend dead in the eye. Her pen taps against her notebook a few times before she shakes her head in answer. “No. And I don’t ever plan to.” She informs him, the conversation in Ricky’s bedroom started to replay in her mind.

“I really think you should.” Seb tells her softly, setting his own pen down on the table letting the object roll slightly as it hits his textbook.

“What’s the point?” Nini sighs, running her fingers into her scalp before pulling at her hair tie to let her dark hair free from the bun that was pulling on her head. “Even if I do tell him, it doesn’t change anything.”

Seb presses his lips together in thought, taking in what his friend had said. “Who said it won’t?”

Her nose scrunches up at his answer, setting her pen down to sit in the spine of her notebook. “I know it won’t.” She nods, mostly to herself as to affirm her statement, “It’s not logical. Telling him just adds another sad weight on both of our shoulders and I don’t think either of us could handle it.”

“Don’t think about it being logical.” Seb responds, clearly unhappy with her answer, “Love can’t be calculated. It’s not an equation you’re trying to solve in your calculus class. It’s a feeling. And if you really love him, then I think you should tell him.”

Nini gulps at Seb’s spiel, the words slowly sinking into her head. She knew that he was right and she was making excuses as to why she wouldn’t tell Ricky. In the end, Nini was protecting herself from further heartache.

Their relationship was definitely a unique one to say the least. With their parents being best friends and having spent half of their lives in completely different states; it didn’t make it easy for them. Maintaining their friendship alone proved to be a challenge from time-to-time. Nini couldn’t imagine being in a fully committed long distance romantic relationship. It might tear them apart and what would she be left with?

Shifting her gaze down to her phone, seeing it light up with a text message from Kourtney. Immediately she’s met with Ricky’s face on her lock screen. Her and Ricky looked so happy in the photo, Nini was lying on his chest, her head dropped down to his shoulder as Ricky brought his long arm up to take a photo of them mid-laugh. It was her favourite picture of them; you could see how happy they were together. Like their hearts beat as one, finding a home with each other and never wanting to let go.

“I can’t tell him.” Nini whispers, shaking her head, “What if I lay it all out there and it doesn’t work out?” A fear of hers shining through, the quivering in her voice could be heard despite how softly she was speaking.

Seb places his hand on top of hers, squeezing it gently. “But you won’t know until you try, Nini. His one request to you is to be honest with him. So, just be honest and tell him everything. Not just about you being in love with him, but why you are so scared of it too.”

“It’s not that simple.” Nini sighs, bringing her gaze to fall on him.

“Love never is.” Seb sends her a kind smile, his hand remaining on top of hers in comfort. “And that’s the beauty about it.”

* * *

_Nini lets out a loud laugh as Big Red nearly tumbles down from trying to climb the old oak tree that they used to hang out under when they were kids. Funnily enough, it was the same exact tree where they had met back in kindergarten. Nini was reading a book at recess, she picked up reading a little earlier than most children. And Big Red had come up to her asking her all about it, and since he didn’t know how to read at the time she read him the story. Ever since then they’ve been best of friends._

_Toppling down next to her, leaning his back against the trunk of the tree. Their shoulders brushing together as Nini hands him his frozen lemonade that he had ordered from the café a block over. The boy took a large sip, wincing as the sourness shocked his system._

_His skateboard laid beside him, turning it over and he uses it as a makeshift table. Tilting his head up to look up at the green leaves, darker than usual due to the night sky that was above them._

_“I swear climbing trees wasn’t that hard when we were kids.” Big Red comments._

_Nini giggles, taking a sip of her chocolate shake, “That’s because we don’t have the same kind of adrenaline as we did before.” She points out, swirling her straw around in her cup. “But you got further up than I thought you could.”_

_“You have no faith in me.” Big Red rolls his eyes, moving his gaze to stare at their old school that sat in front of him. The same thought that’s on his mind all summer passes through once more, as he remembers their elementary school days. Back when they were still a quadruple instead of a trio. “Do you know what I never understood?” He pipes up, taking a sip of his drink once more placing it back on the skateboard once he finishes._

_“Physics?” Nini teases, bringing her knee up closer to her chest as she sits her head on it, glancing at her friend._

_“That’s you.” Big Red laughs lightly, poking Nini’s side causing a disgruntled noise at the sudden contact. “No, but seriously. I never understood why you and Ricky never tried dating.”_

_Taken aback by what the red-head had just said. Her eyes widen and her heart quickens in pace, not quite sure how to respond to him. It wasn’t a secret that Nini and Ricky were a lot closer than friends usually are. But granted, they’ve known each other ever since they were in the womb so it made a little sense as to why their bond was that much tighter._

_Clearing her throat, “Uh, why do you say that?” She stammers out, feeling her cheeks rise in temperature rather embarrassed._

_His shoulder comes in contact with hers casually, a small and teasing smile on his face as he turns to look at her. “Oh c’mon, don’t try and be shy about it.” He teases, hoping to lighten the mood, “It’s just you and Ricky have always been like this big question, you know?”_

_Nini presses her lips together, shaking her head not quite getting at what he had meant. She had an inkling of an idea, but she’d rather Big Red tell her the entirety of his thoughts than her guessing what he was thinking. Not wanting to say too much that she could never take back._

_“Okay, look at it this way.” Big Red shifts to straighten his posture, crossing his legs over each other instead of having them laid straight out on the grass. “Your story is like a coming-of-age movie. And for me, it was like watching an entire push and pull between the two main characters, and they just had a shit ton of wrong timing and misunderstandings and whatnot. It feels like the movie is still running, and I’m still waiting on that happy ending. So, yeah, I’ve always wondered why you never at least tried.”_

_“Who said I ever had feelings for him?” Nini utters quietly._

_Big Red shoots her a sharp look, his head dropped down a little staring straight into her eyes. “Do you take me for an idiot?” He deadpans._

_Nini rolls her eyes, a deep sigh expelling from her body as she moves to lean her back on the tree. Bringing her other knee up as she sets her drink down on the ground next to her, she starts to chip away at her week old manicure._

_Sifting through her mind to find the perfect response, but came up with nothing. “In a way, I know that you’re right.” She decides to go with whatever comes to her mind first, staring off at their old school in front of them. “I always thought it was going to happen. In another universe, where our situation was different then I think yeah, by now we would’ve been together. Maybe our life wouldn’t be so ambiguous. It would’ve been effortless. No doubts and complications confusing us, we could have an honest chance.”_

_“Why not this universe?” Big Red asks softly._

_“It doesn’t make sense for us to, you know?” Nini shrugs, a sad expression taking over her face. “I always would use the excuse that it’s just not our time and maybe one day in the future we could try. But, I don’t think there’ll ever be a right time for us.”_

_He puts his arm around his best friend’s shoulder, pulling her into his side gently as he runs his hand up and down her arm in comfort. Neither say anything for a few minutes, both of their minds filled with far too many thoughts. The only sound that could be heard was the rustling of the leaves above them. Their faces were only lit up by the flickering lights from the school, their only other source of light came from the moon that hung high in the sky._

_There was something about the night sky that made it easier for Nini to be honest with the red-head. Maybe it was because it felt like time stood still, and the darkness would suck up the biggest secret she held in her heart. The dark night wouldn’t betray her, and never let her true feelings out to see the light – at least that’s what she wanted to believe._

_“If he’s the right guy,” Big Red speaks up again, his voice soft only for the two of them to hear, “I don’t think you have to wait for that perfect time.”_

_“But, what if he’s not?” Nini whimpers. “What if he’s not the right guy?”_

_Taken aback by what the small girl had said, he pulls back ever so slightly. His arm falling limp around her shoulder, and bringing his hand to cover her dainty one. Shifting in his position to face her, crossing his legs over each other in a crisscross position as he begs for the girl to tell him what’s going on in her head._

_Feeling defeated, Nini pressed her lips together in thought, and then it was like her mouth had a mind of its own and started spewing out her deepest and more inner thoughts._

_“All my life, I pictured me and Ricky having this fantastic love story.” She confesses, never once picking up her head as she spoke, “He’s the boy I grew up with, and the man I want to grow old with.” A shy smile making its way onto her features._

_“But?”_

_“But,” Nini drags word out, the somber look taking over once more, “What happens if we did ever try being together and it was all for nothing? That we were better off not having dated each other at all, not crossing that line. What if he breaks my heart and I don’t know how to come back from it? What if after waiting all that time it turned out he wasn’t the one?”_

_The pair falling silent at all the words that had flown out of her mouth. Nini not quite believing that she had said all of that aloud in the first place. Her heart started to pick up in pace, squeezing Big Red’s hand in her own as to ground herself back to reality._

_Big Red returned the gesture, a sympathetic smile on his face as he speaks, “Did you notice that all of those questions started with ‘what if’?”_

_“Yeah.” Nini nods, her voice dies off at the end feeling as if all the oxygen in her lungs was being squeezed out of her. “That’s all we’ll ever be. A what if.” She shrugs defeated._

_“Nini,” Big Red calls, immediately recognizing the tone in his voice._

_She was not going to like the question that was about to fall from his lips. There was no way of getting out of it, they both knew this and she did everything to prepare herself for the question, not realizing how much it was going to affect her. She nods nonetheless, signaling for him to just hit her with the question she was going to regret giving him permission to ask._

_“Are you in love with Ricky?”_

* * *

Ignoring Ricky was not one of her proudest moments. It felt like she’s clicked decline at least ten times in the last four days, and it was beginning to eat away at her. She knows what she was doing was pretty shitty but she couldn’t help it. After her conversation with Seb last week, she couldn’t get what he had said out of her head.

_‘Be honest with him.’_

Her relationship with Ricky works because they were always honest with each other. Whenever they were annoyed or mad, they knew why. If one of them was upset or insecure, they were honest about their innermost thoughts. Their relationship is built on trust, and even though Nini wasn’t blatantly lying to Ricky something just didn’t sit right with her talking to him like nothing was wrong.

This isn’t her first time keeping something from him, even something as big as her feelings for him. Back in high school, she had managed to withhold that secret and it was definitely the biggest thing she’s ever kept from anyone. But for some reason, this time around it felt different. She couldn’t exactly pinpoint the reason as to why it was, but in her heart she knew something had changed.

Nini’s never blatantly ignored Ricky, and she knows that Ricky is aware of it too. Constantly sending him to voicemail every time he calls, and reading his texts but not responding. As the days went on, it was clear that Ricky was beginning to get nervous and agitated because she wasn’t speaking to him. He even went as far as leaving a voicemail, which in their twenty some odd years of friendship; he has never done.

So, when Nini’s phone starts ringing in her pocket she has the urge to click on the red button. But she knew there would come a time that she had to answer him, and the longer she ignored him she would have to come up with a better lie. And as of right now, she doesn’t have one that he would even remotely believe.

Letting out a deep sigh, she reluctantly clicks on the green button answering the call.

“Hello?”

“ _Nini_ ,” Ricky’s voice echoes through the phone as she presses the device against her ear as she walks faster trying to make it to her next class on time. He sounded shocked, like he wasn’t expecting her to answer. And Nini wished she was surprised by his tone, but unfortunately she knew that was exactly how he was feeling.

Bundled up in her warmest coat, the New York weather hasn’t been the most forgiving the last couple of weeks. Her school bag hiked over her shoulder, her gloved fingers tightening its hold on her cup of coffee that she had quickly made a stop for. While the other was holding her phone up to hear her best friend’s voice.

“I’m going to class. Make this quick.” She responds shortly, seeing puffs of white air escape from her mouth as her warm breath hits the cold, winter air.

“ _You haven’t answered any of my calls this week_.” He tells her, like she didn’t know that fact.

She could practically see Ricky’s face in her mind. Given that it was a lot quieter on his end, he was probably at home doing some homework when he decided to try and give her another call. Head was probably in his hands thinking she wasn’t going to pick up, but once she did he sat up straight once more. A blank expression on his face as he doesn’t know what he had done to garner her ignoring him.

In all their years of friendship, Nini has never intentionally ignored Ricky’s calls. Not unless she was in a meeting or in school or work. But never once has she purposefully declined his calls because she simply didn’t want to speak to him. She could’ve easily let her phone ring until it went straight to voicemail, but whenever he called his contact photo would fill up the screen. And it was as if the photo was taunting her, reminding her every single time why she was ignoring him and it made her feel even worse.

Drawing her bottom lip in between her teeth, Nini wasn’t exactly sure how to respond. She slows her pace as she takes a sip of her hot coffee, before continuing to walk at her normal speed. Letting out a deep sigh, she presses her lips together before she continues.

“That’s not true.” She lies.

“ _Don’t do that_.” Ricky tells her in a frustrated tone, nearly cutting her off before she had a chance to explain. And both of them were certain she didn’t plan on divulging any more information. “ _Don’t lie to me. Why have you been ignoring me?_ ”

“Oh, look,” Nini’s voice perks up as soon as she sees her school building come into view. Thankfully he had called at the end of her walk towards school, instead of in the middle or at the beginning. She knew if she had to lie to him straight to, well, his ear then it was just going to make matters worse. “I gotta go, I just got to class.”

Ricky makes a disgruntled noise, “ _No! Nini!_ ” He responds heatedly into the phone, “ _Did I do something? Is it what I said during Christmas?_ ”

Nini’s tongue darts out, licking her dry lips as she pauses in front of her school’s building. Pressing her lips together in thought, one of her leg’s bounces in its spot as her anxiety begins to rise up inside her. Despite her uncertainty about being dishonest with him, she couldn’t outright tell him that he was right. That a small part of it was because of what he had said when they were in Chicago.

“You didn’t do anything.” Nini tells him, her eyes shifting everywhere as she looks at the snow-filled city. “It’s me. I’m just trying to figure out and sort through some things right now.” She admits half of the truth, figuring it would satisfy him enough.

“ _Nins, you know you can talk to me about anything_.” He reassures her, his voice hardening as he speaks into the phone.

Exhaling deeply she glances at her watch. She wasn’t kidding about needing to get to class, it was starting in just a few minutes and she needed to head inside. Closing her eyes shut for a few moments as she gives him the most honest answer she could muster at this time.

“Not about this.”

To say he was confused would be an understatement. The silence that fell from the other line was a clear indicator of that. The boy was probably trying to process and think about what that had meant, but couldn’t pinpoint exactly what his best friend was getting at.

“Look, Ricky. I actually do have to get going.” She tells him, glancing over to the doors as she starts to make her way towards them. Slipping inside as someone holds it open for her, silently thanking them as she passes. “Class is going to start in a little bit. I’ll talk to you whenever.”

Before Ricky could answer she hangs up the phone. Neither of them were quite sure what to make of that conversation. Nini knew that wasn’t a good conversation for either of them. Probably leaving Ricky with a thousand more unanswered questions, and her with a head full of doubt.

Nini wasn’t sure how she was going to be able to talk to Ricky any time soon, but after their phone call she knew she had to.

* * *

“You’ve been ignoring Ricky?” Gina walks into their shared apartment.

Nini was sitting on the floor of their living room with her laptop in her lap and thousands of papers surrounding her as she was working on her next piece for their school’s newspaper. As well as a few articles and essays that were in desperate need of editing. She was also working on some pieces to submit to a couple publishing agencies for post-grad.

Her head snaps up, tearing her eyes away from the screen in front of her as she locks eyes with her tall roommate. It was clear that she had rushed over to their place after class, considering her tinted cheeks and her chest rising at a faster rate than usual.

She sets her laptop down onto the ground next to her, she pulls her legs up into her chest. Taking a hold of the soles of her feet, she takes in a deep breath before answering. “I had a feeling he was going to call you.” Nini mutters, her eyes remaining on her newly painted toes.

After being a little stressed out from school and her call earlier that day, she decided to pamper herself a little before she had to get any serious work done. She took a nice and warm bath, her bones felt like they were thawing as she sat in the water, the cold and brisk winter weather hadn’t been doing her any good. And she painted her fingers and toes as she sipped on a warm cup of ginger tea.

“Well duh he was going to call me.” Gina strips her winter coat off her frame, as she makes her way to sit on the ground in front of her friend. “He’s worried about you, Nini. And I didn’t know what to tell him, because honestly you’ve seemed pretty okay to me.”

“Because I am okay.” Nini shrugs nonchalantly, picking her head up to finally look Gina in the eye. “Tell him not to worry about me, I’m fine.”

Gina purses her lips together in thought for a moment as she watches her friend curl up into herself right in front of her. It was clear that Nini had no intention of calling him back any time soon, and Gina wasn’t quite sure what to do. She felt stuck in the middle.

Crossing her legs over each other as she makes herself more comfortable on the floor, Gina’s eyes flick down to Nini’s necklace. The same one Ricky had bought her for her birthday a few years back, she remembers when he bought it and how excited he was to give it to her. It had two charms on it, a bright red ladybug and a silver charm that read her name and had little diamonds along the entirety of it. It probably cost Ricky an entire month’s paycheck, but he didn’t care. And as if Nini could hear Gina’s thoughts, her hand flies to her necklace fiddling with it nervously.

“We both know if I tell him not to worry about you he still will.” Gina pipes up, “What’s going on, Nins?”

Drawing her lip in between her teeth, Nini debates whether she should tell Gina the truth. That would be another person to add to her short list of people that knew, and Nini wasn’t entirely sure of how she felt about that. But the look on Gina’s face was full of concern, and Nini knew if she didn’t tell Gina now her friend would just become overbearing.

Whenever Gina was overly concerned about Nini, usually after a phone call from Ricky when Nini would be acting a little more distant, she always hung around the shorter girl. Constantly bringing her out for coffee and making her have dinner with her and if they were both home lunch as well. It was like Gina was attached to her hip whenever she wanted Nini to fess up what’s been going on in her head.

“Nothing!” Nini exclaims rather loudly, clearing her throat as she readjusts the volume of her voice. “Nothing bad, I promise.”

“But, it doesn’t seem like nothing.” Gina moves some of the papers off to the side as she slides in closer to her roommate. “You’re ignoring him. Not once in my years of knowing you two have you ever intentionally ignored him.”

Nini nods her head in confirmation, there was no point in keeping that fact from the girl sitting in front of her. It wasn’t news that this was her first time deliberately ignoring her best friend. Even if she had done so in the past, Gina would’ve known considering she was a close friend of Ricky’s back in high school. And according to his friends, he would whine whenever Nini got a little too lost in her work to answer his calls and texts.

Before Nini could even muster up an answer, Gina continues, “Look, you don’t have to tell me anything. Shit, you don’t have to tell Ricky anything if you don’t want to.” Gina shifts slightly as she feels her foot in an awkward position, “But he’s worried about you and we know he won’t stop worrying until you talk to him. He cares for you so much that he will literally lose his mind if he thinks something’s wrong.”

“I know.” Nini answers shortly, scratching her hand as she thought about all the times in the past Ricky always showed how much he cared about her.

All her life she’s been used to Ricky being a little overprotective when it came to her. Even though they lived thousands of miles apart he always seemed to be looking out for her. He had done it through Big Red and Kourtney when she was living back in Salt Lake, and now he does it through Gina when they were in New York.

Whenever he felt that Nini was acting a little strange, whether that’d be her on the quieter side or the more anxious side, he could pick up on it easily through their phone calls. And he would text one of their friends, asking if she had eaten lately and if she had been getting a proper amount of sleep. Ensuring that she was taking breaks whenever she had the chance, because he knew she was in desperate need of one constantly.

At first Nini found it quite endearing. But as time went on, it did get a little annoying. She is twenty-one, nearly twenty-two, for crying out loud. She could take care of herself and didn’t constantly need him to hold her hand as they went on about life. And of course, Nini has brought it up to him a couple of times but Ricky always said he wasn’t being overprotective, he thought he was just caring for her.

And she absolutely loved that he cared so much about her that he was always thinking and looking out for her even when there were thousands of miles in between them. But she did need her space sometimes and he understands that.

She just hopes he understands giving her space right now, even for just a little while.

“Do you though?” Gina’s voice breaks Nini’s inner monologue.

Taken aback what she had said, Nini straightens her posture slightly as she keeps her arms wrapped around herself. “What’s that supposed to mean?” She asks, a defensive tone evident in her voice.

“Do you remember in senior year, you and Ricky didn’t talk for a couple of weeks? It was around the time you first started seeing Jack.” Gina reminds her friend about her first ever boyfriend.

Of course, Nini remembers it. Her experience was probably a lot more different than Ricky’s was. In all honesty Nini didn’t really realize that she hadn’t spoken to Ricky for nearly three weeks. She was so caught up in the first boy that had shown interest in her and along with her school work and rehearsal for the musical she didn’t have much time for anything else. It was kind of like the old saying, out of sight, out of mind.

Looking back on it, it was pretty shitty of her. But, she couldn’t help it. She was sixteen and she felt seen and appreciated. He made her feel beautiful and special. So, she did what any infatuated teenage girl would do. She devoted as much time as she could into the relationship that she let some of her others one hang dry for a little too long.

Hesitantly, she nods her head answering Gina’s question. Not quite having the guts to utter anything, her stomach flipping backwards and forwards as the events play out in her head. Ricky wasn’t necessarily mad at her, he was more confused than anything. When she had explained why she was a little distant, he understood why. And it kind of made her feel like a crappy best friend because of how understanding he was.

“He thought he did something wrong, and he wouldn’t stop talking about it.” Gina lets out a dry laugh, shaking her head at the memory, “Every day it was like, ‘Nini hasn’t texted me’ ‘Nini forgot Friday FaceTime again’ ‘Why do you think Nini’s not calling me back?’ It got annoying because it seemed to be all that he talked about.”

“Really?” Nini murmurs gulping down a lump in her throat, not realizing how much of a toll it had taken on Ricky back then.

Gina sends her a small nod, “But once you guys finally talked he was fine. I mean kind of. He never liked Jack. Well- actually he never liked any of your boyfriends.”

Her eyes widened at her friend’s statement, “Any of them?”

“I mean, yeah,” Gina chuckles lowly, ducking her chin to her chest for a moment. “I honestly think he was just jealous. At least of Jack. There was a good reason he didn’t like Nick, I’m not too sure about Carson though. But that doesn’t really matter now.”

Shock flowed through her veins, Nini never had known that Ricky never liked a single one of her boyfriends. Nick was for obvious reasons, and after their conversation last year she can understand why he didn’t like Jack. But Carson was definitely the boyfriend she liked the most.

Carson was nice and kind and just about everything she could’ve asked for in a boyfriend. Well, maybe not everything. But, he treated her well and was incredible to her. However, she knew it wasn’t meant to be after two months of dating. There was a certain spark that was missing, and they both agreed that it felt like they were together simply to be together.

Her and Carson broke it off on friendly terms. Sometimes they still went out for coffee on campus or met up for a study session with some of their classmates. There were no hard feelings between them. Carson was understandable, and now he even had a boyfriend that Nini has yet to meet. But according to Seb, he was really kind and fitting for their friend.

“Anyways, back to what I was saying.” Gina pipes up, waving her hand vaguely in front of her. “Ricky doesn’t exactly do well when you’re not speaking to each other. And considering this time he has no solid reason as to why you aren’t talking, it might be a lot worse.”

“But I just can’t talk to him because it’s best for him.” Nini reasons, “What about me?”

“Oh god, no.” The dancer shakes her head vigorously at what her roommate had said. “Do what’s best for you. I’m just warning you that he might get a little irritating and nosy. Will probably get on your last nerve. He cares about you a lot and he’ll do anything to help lighten whatever’s weighing you down.”

Nini feels her body sink further into herself as she lets out a deep exhale, moving her hand to grasp her mug of forgotten tea. Taking a sip of the beverage, it was now lukewarm, bordering on iced cold causing her to grimace as it hits her tongue. Keeping her mug enveloped in her palms as she stares down at the tea bag that was swimming in the half-empty mug.

At the end of the day, Nini knew Gina was right. No matter what Nini said, Ricky was going to do everything in his power to try and help her even if she doesn’t ask for it. But, things are different this time. She’s not too sure if she could handle the constant texting and phone calls, only leading him to leave lengthy voicemails in her inbox. She needed to figure things out first before talking to him, even if she never told him the truth.

She knows she can’t avoid him until those feelings go away, because hell, it’s been so many years since she realized she loves her best friend and they still haven’t left. Nini was certain she just needed some time to come to terms with the fact that she was in love with him and that there will come a day where she has to be outright honest with him.

That day isn’t today. It won’t be tomorrow or even ten days from now.

All she needed was time to herself. Maybe once she’s finally ready to tell him the truth, then it won’t hurt as much as she knows it will if she told him today.

“I just need some time.” Nini tells Gina, twisting her hands together nervously, “Away from Ricky. Do you think he’ll understand that?”

“He’ll understand it, alright.” Gina nods curtly, “But that doesn’t mean he’s going to like it.”

* * *

“ _How are you holding up?_ ” Ricky hears his friend’s voice echo through the speaker of his phone.

Instinctively he rolls his eyes as he drops his phone down onto the kitchen counter as he starts to fix himself up another cup of coffee. After he presses the start button on the coffee machine, he waits for it to brew as he answers his friend.

“I’m fi-”

“Don’t let him lie to you, babe.” A voice comes from behind him, a little louder than Ricky would’ve preferred as it nearly made him jump out of his skin.

If Ricky knew anyone was home he wouldn’t have put Gina on speaker. The last couple of days Gina would periodically call just to make sure that he was doing fine to which he would normally lie to her. He wasn’t proud of it, but he knew that Gina would be upset with him, but he was more concerned about Nini finding out.

She had asked for space for a reason and Ricky simply couldn’t let her know that he was practically beating himself up. When she had called him last week, he wasn’t expecting his best friend to be asking for space. And immediately his head went to what he had said to her when she was still in Chicago. Even though she reassured him that it wasn’t it at all, he couldn’t help but think that she was lying to him.

What else could it be?

Surely it had to be something big that it led to her needing time away from him. They weren’t even that attached at the hip these days, so his brain just kept going to the worst case scenario. Maybe if he hadn’t said anything at Christmas then she wouldn’t have asked for space. But he thinks that if he hadn’t and she still asked for it, he was certain he wouldn’t be so concerned and anxious.

Honestly, all he hopes for is that whatever she needs to figure out isn’t because of what he said. It might sound a little selfish and self-centered, but he isn’t sure if he could forgive himself if he ever drove her away from him. She is his best friend before anything else, all feelings aside, he isn’t sure what he would do if it was all his fault.

“EJ, I’m fine!” Ricky defends, turning around sharply as he glares at his roommate for practically outing him.

EJ shoots back an even more intense glare, his eyes looked like stone as it bore into Ricky’s. “Yeah, if you fucking call eating one meal a day and barely sleeping ‘fine’ then sure. Ricky’s fine.” EJ retorts, no humor on his expression like there usually was.

“ _Ricky!_ ” Gina reprimands, her voice bouncing off the walls of the kitchen.

Ricky rolls his eyes again, leaning against the kitchen counter with his arms crossed as he sends EJ another sharp glare. He knows why EJ had done it, he was just concerned for him. But Ricky was positive that he’s fine. He eats when he’s hungry, and that’s usually only once a day and he’s pretty sure it’s because of the amount of coffee that’s been coursing through his system the last few days.

In regard to his sleep schedule, he usually can’t fall asleep at night. He’d stare up at the ceiling, tossing and turning as he tried to get comfortable and let sleep take over but nothing seemed to be working for him. So, he did what any sensible college student would do. He pulled out his laptop and his notes and he did all of his readings and lecture notes and crammed whatever he could into his head until he fell asleep.

Sure, sometimes he catches himself seeing the sunrise and realizing he didn’t even sleep a wink. Normally when that happened, he’d quickly make his way into bed and try to get a few hours of sleep before having to start his day. But of course, that had its disadvantages. His lack of sleep left him sleep deprived which led to him downing coffee after coffee, which in turn led to him barely sleeping.

It was a bad routine, he knew that. But for some reason, he couldn’t seem to quit it.

“ _You know Nini would be upset if she knew about this._ ” Gina pipes up.

Ricky runs a hand through his messy curls, scratching the back of his neck irritated as he whips his body around to face the counter. “Which is why you’re not going to tell her.” Ricky exasperates, shutting his eyes for a moment as he pinches the bridge of his nose. “She’s thinking things through, whatever that’s supposed to mean. And I don’t need to add to her stress, so just don’t.”

“ _Then fix it._ ” Gina bites back, “ _I know you feel like shit because you think you did something wrong. But she told you that you didn’t. So, don’t go making yourself feel like shit over something you didn’t do_.”

“Yeah, fine. I’ll try.” Ricky responds shortly, “Bye, Gina.” He hangs up abruptly not needing to hear more pestering from the girl.

Letting out a deep sigh as he hears silence fill the room once more. The only sounds came from the fridge humming and the coffee pot slowly coming to an end as a fresh pot of dark liquid sat next to him. Eagerly he goes to grab a fresh cup of coffee, his favourite mug in his hands. However, he nearly jumps out of his skin as he saw EJ leaning up against the fridge, his arms crossed over his chest. Ricky completely forgot about his roommate that had some part of the conversation with Gina, and ultimately revealing to her what he didn’t want her to know.

“You had no right.” Ricky utters angrily.

“Maybe not.” EJ shrugs, his lips were in a tight line. “But, I can’t watch my best friend walk around the apartment like a fucking zombie every day. You need to get your shit together. If not for yourself, do it for Nini.”

And with that, EJ makes his way out of the kitchen. Leaving Ricky with his empty mug of coffee, staring down at the shallow cup deep in thought. In his heart, he knew that both EJ and Gina were right. What EJ had done was only out of concern, he’d do the same if he was walking around their apartment practically moping.

He needed to fix whatever was going on with himself. For himself and for Nini.

* * *

“Momma, can I ask you something?” Nini pipes up once the waiter leaves after taking their orders. The two women were having lunch at some new restaurant that recently opened up a few blocks over from Nini’s campus.

It had been a few weeks since she had seen her moms last, and Dana decided to fly in for a quick visit. Carol would’ve accompanied her, but unfortunately, she had some work business to attend to. But Nini and Momma D were having a great time, despite not being together as an entire family. They had done a couple things that Dana didn’t quite get a chance to the last couple times she’s visited Chicago.

And if Nini was being honest, she was kind of glad Momma C didn’t join her. Don’t get her wrong, she loved both her moms equally, but she knew she wouldn’t have the guts to ask her mom for some advice if they were both there. She’s sure that once Dana returns to Salt Lake she’ll tell Carol all about it.

“Yeah, of course honey.” Dana sends her an encouraging smile, setting her water back down on the table.

Nini shifts in her seat despite her being comfortable, crossing one leg over the other as she clears her throat. Pulling on her sweater sleeves nervously, she grips them as they rest half way up her palm. “Was there ever a time in your life when you weren’t sure what the right thing to do is?” Nini asks.

“Well, yeah.” Dana chuckles, tilting her head slightly, “Life is a bunch of questions about what you think you should and shouldn’t do.”

“What did you do?” Nini questions, drawing her lip in between her teeth, “Did you do what you knew was the right thing? Even when you knew that wasn’t what you wanted? But you did it anyway because it was the safe choice.”

The older woman nods as her daughter lists off a bunch of questions that were probably coming from a deeper place inside than she was letting on. There were many little ticks that Dana had come to realize when her daughter’s been overwhelmed and overthinking things. Usually the first thing she did was ramble on, not quite realizing that she would ask a thousand questions one right after the other without giving room for the other party to answer. The next was Nini would bite her nails or scratch at them, other times she would sit on her hands to avoid the bad habit.

Once Nini shifted to slip her cold hands underneath her thighs, it had clicked in her mother’s brain that Nini wasn’t sharing the whole truth. Their latest conversations on the phone didn’t give her any indication about what was going on. Nini had been pretty on top of things, especially with graduation a few months away. Even applying to a couple places back in Salt Lake. So, she couldn’t exactly be sure what her daughter was so anxious about.

Testing the waters, Dana decides to ask, “Is this about moving home? Did you want to stay here in New York? I know how much you love it here, and we wouldn’t be mad if you decided to stay.” She reassures her.

“No, no,” Nini shakes her head, denying all that her mother had suggested. “I’m just curious, that’s all.” She shrugs, trying to make it seem nonchalant as possible but both her and her mother knew there was something that she wasn’t quite saying.

Even though Dana didn’t believe her, she decided to be upfront with her daughter. “Well then, my answer is that it depends.”

“On what?”

“Depends on the situation. Because, you can think to yourself that you should order that salad because it’s the healthier option, but you’d prefer the pasta because it’s worth the extra few dollars. So, you decide to get the pasta, because it won’t hurt, right?” Dana sets up a scenario, Nini nodding along seemingly she understands so far. “But, it’s not the same when you’re thinking about big life decisions.”

Nini scrunches her nose at what her mother had said. It wasn’t the explanation that Nini was looking for and it didn’t quite answer her question. It all made sense up to the last sentence. The young girl thought that you should always go with what is ultimately the better option. Even though she was never necessarily taught that philosophy, she just assumed it to be true.

“Okay…” Nini murmurs, leaning back in her seat as she stares down at the table in front of her.

When Nini doesn’t go on to say anything else, Dana decides to continue with what she had meant. “Nini, whenever it comes to life decisions, like moving away from home or getting a new job you shouldn’t be thinking about which is the safest path.”

“Why not?”

“Because, honey, you can’t live life thinking about every obstacle you might face and doing everything you can to avoid it. Life is about getting over those obstacles, facing things head on. So, it’s okay not to be sure about something, it’s okay to choose something that you want even if it seems out of reach.” Dana reassures the young woman sitting in front of her. Nini slowly began to pick up her head as her mother continued to speak. “And don’t you think that it’s better to take a chance than to never know what _could’ve_ happened?”

“You’re starting to sound a lot like my therapist.” Nini grumbles, picking up her sprite and taking a large sip from it. Immediately regretting the decision as the carbonation in the soda was a little stronger than she expected. Cringing as the bubbly liquid slid down her throat.

Dana couldn’t help but let out an amused laugh, tilting her head back at the action. Clapping her hands together twice as she tries to compose herself. Even though Nini probably didn’t mean for her side comment to be a joke, or at least one that warranted a hearty laugh such as the one her mom had, she couldn’t help but join in on her laughter. Nini brings her hand up to her mouth as she tries to silence her own giggles.

After a few moments, the older woman calmed herself down. Taking a sip of her water as she rehydrates after her laughing fit. Her shoulders slumping as she lets out a deep sigh, she sets her glass down on the table.

“At least I know she’s doing a good job,” Dana teases.

Back home in Salt Lake, Dana works as a child and family social worker and has met her fair share of therapists during her time. It was also one of the main reasons Nini ended up going to therapy back in high school. Dana didn’t force her to go by any means, but she encouraged her daughter that if she felt like she needed to talk to someone that wasn’t either of her parents then therapy was always an option. And eventually, Nini took her up on that offer.

“Okay, no, but seriously,” The older woman manages to calm down, “Don’t think about whether it’s the right or wrong choice. Do what your heart wants. Live a life that you want. Sure, there’ll be some bumps in the road. But that just means you’re living life to the fullest.”

“It’s not that easy.” Nini mutters, swirling her straw around in her cup, “I keep thinking about what I should do versus what I want to do.”

Dana nods, a tight-lipped smile on her face, “It takes time. I’ve been there before, Nins.” Reaching across the table to set her hand on top of her daughter’s, rubbing her thumb across the top of her hand. “It gets easier. I promise.”

“Thanks, Mom.”

“Anytime, honey.”

* * *

Nini would be lying if she said it was a brutal couple of weeks without talking to Ricky. Their time apart had actually been pretty good for her, or at least that was what she liked to believe. Most of her time was spent with school work and she even started writing the book that she’s been wanting to write for forever but never found the time to do so.

The reasoning behind her stalling her writing wasn’t because Ricky took up all of her time, rather it was quite the opposite. Her and Ricky only spoke a couple times a week, asides from the texts they would send each other every day. But, the time away from Ricky gave her an opportunity to reflect and really think about what’s been going on in her life and what she wanted her story to convey.

Some time during the second week, she felt like shit for ignoring him. She realized it wasn’t going to solve anything. But Nini might be a little too prideful to admit that she was wrong for asking for space. So, she drowned herself in work and honestly, it’s been the best work she’s done in a long time.

Currently, she was sitting in her favourite café just a few blocks down from her apartment. She’s been there too long to be deemed acceptable. But every two hours or so, she’d order another coffee or a snack. She’s probably on her third coffee and well into the fifth chapter of her new book when her phone starts to vibrate on the table.

Far too distracted to bother checking the caller ID, she blindly picks up the phone and answers the call. “Hello?” Nini greets, her voice a little drier than usual due to her distracted mind.

“ _You answered._ ” The voice sounded shocked.

Her eyes widen as she recognizes the deep voice that was coming through the device. Bringing her hand back to look at the screen as if to confirm that it was indeed her best friend on the other line. She sighs, setting her pen down on the table and she runs a hand through her now tangled hair.

“I did.” She nods despite him not being able to see her. “I’m surprised you called.”

In their time apart, Ricky hasn’t bothered to call or even send her a text ever since she had asked him to give her some space. Naturally, he was quite upset about it but he respected her request. So, for the last three weeks they’ve had no form of contact. But Nini knew Gina would periodically update Ricky on her. And she wasn’t mad at Gina for doing so.

Gina was probably her saving grace when it came to Ricky understanding that Nini just needed some time to herself. Her promise to make sure Nini was getting enough sleep and eating reassured Ricky that even if they weren’t exactly on speaking terms that Nini was still taking care of herself.

“ _Honestly…I’m surprised I called too_.” He lets out a dry breathy laugh through the phone.

Immediately, she could tell that there was no humor behind his laughter. She could practically feel her heart squeezing at the thought that she was the reason his demeanor and attitude seemed to be on the duller side.

“So, why did you then?” Nini draws her lip in between her teeth, propping her elbow on the table to support her arm that carried her phone.

“ _Why do you think?_ ” Ricky utters as his voice dripped with misery and nerves.

The tone of his voice was one that she’s not used to hearing. It was quiet and hard and pleading to be quite frank. Nini couldn’t help but scratch at her nail polish, and in a brief moment of thought she brought her hand up to her lips. Nibbling on her thumb nail like she used to way back in elementary school.

In all her years of knowing Ricky, she doesn’t think she’s ever seen him so nervous. At least not when it came to her. Whenever they were together, he was always this ball of sunshine that was like a rubber ball that didn’t know how to stop bouncing off the walls. Normally, he was so light and happy and confident in every action he did.

But that was not the same man that was speaking on the phone with her.

Even though they were hundreds of miles apart she could practically feel the darkness that clouded over him. He sounded tired and full of regret, and if she knew her best friend at all there was no smile graced upon his face. Probably gnawing on the inside of his cheek, like he did whenever he was nervous. And from what she overheard Gina tell Seb a few days ago, Ricky was sleep deprived. His sleep schedule came in increments, at most lasting four hours and that was on a good day.

This only made Nini feel worse. The fact that she was too full of guilt that she couldn’t even tell him that she was ready to talk again ate away at her. While he was also suffering, probably thinking he had done something wrong despite her reassurance.

When Nini didn’t answer, Ricky continued, “I _know you asked for space and time. And I know that whatever you’re trying to figure out right now is really hard on you. So, I stayed away. I wanted to respect your space and I didn’t want to push you or anything. But Nini, I’m just so lost here._ ”

“Lost about what?”

“ _Why I can’t help you_.”

Nini should’ve expected that answer, but for some reason it had blindsided her. Naturally, as her best friend, Ricky would want to do anything to help her figure things out. It’s always been like that. Growing up, Nini had struggled with a thousand things just like a normal teenager. From school to body image to her anxiety and all of her insecurities. But, she was always upfront with Ricky about it.

So, Nini not telling Ricky anything is strange to both of them. But she couldn’t tell him the truth. And yet, he was looking for an answer that she had but wasn’t willing to share.

“Do you remember last year when you didn’t tell me that you started going to therapy?” Nini starts, bringing her hand down to her coffee mug and tracing the rim nervously. “You were still getting used to and accepting the idea. And you were scared to tell me because of all the questions that would follow because you knew that I started going in high school. Right?”

Ricky grunts in acknowledgment, a rustling noise coming from his end that she couldn’t exactly point out. “ _Well, yeah_.” He decides to voice.

Nini licks her lips nervously, “It’s kind of the same thing.” She utters, as she takes a careful sip of her now warm coffee.

“ _You started therapy again?”_

“Well, I still go, every now and then.” Nini pauses to ponder for a moment, but she shakes her head realizing they were getting off track. Setting her mug back down on the table, she clears her throat before continuing. “But that wasn’t what I was talking about. I meant I’m figuring things out and I’m not ready for the questions. Uh, it’s something very personal to me that I’m just not ready to share.”

She might not have been entirely upfront, but everything she had said was a small part of the whole truth. She wasn’t ready for his questions or his thoughts on actually giving them a chance. If their conversation last year was anything to go by, she knew that he wanted to at least try. And she wasn’t exactly ready for that.

Ricky’s always been the all-in type of guy. Willing to dive head first without a care in the world, and seeing where he ended up. Nini, on the other hand, was quite the opposite. She’s always been cautious about every move and decision she makes. Choosing to move to New York took her nearly three months to decide if it was the right choice.

She always wanted to make the _right_ choice.

And giving them an honest chance? She wasn’t sure if it was the right choice. It was a scary and intimidating choice. There were a thousand things at risk, and her little notebook with her lists written in a glittery pink ink told her that there was too much for her to put on the line. So, as of right now she’ll wait until it feels like the right decision. Even if that broke a piece of her heart.

“ _Will you tell me when you’re ready?_ ” Ricky asks carefully, not wanting to push her boundaries.

Nini presses her lips together in a firm line, her eyes shifting down to the pages sitting in front of her. The words on the page staring right back at her in the big bold black letters. “Maybe.” Nini mutters,

“ _You know you have every right to keep whatever you want from me. I just don’t know how much longer I can go without talking to you._ ” Ricky lets out a deep sigh. “ _I really miss you, Nini_.”

“Just because I asked for space doesn’t mean I didn’t miss you.” She reassures her best friend, bringing her hand up to take a hold of her necklace shyly smiling to herself. “I’ve actually been ready to talk to you for a while. I just didn’t know how. I felt like blocking you out was kind of stupid of me and it made me feel like a shit friend. So, I’m sorry.”

“ _Don’t apologize_.” Ricky comforts her, his voice gaining its confidence back. “Y _ou did what you thought was best for you. I told you to take care of yourself, and this was your way of doing that._ ”

It felt like all of her worries washed away in his reassurance. He wasn’t mad at her. He wasn’t bitter. He was actually proud that she was putting herself first, doing what was best for her. Usually, Nini always put everyone before herself and all he’s ever wanted was for her to think about herself for once.

“So…” Nini leans back in her seat comfortably, shutting her notebook as she plans to listen intently to her best friend. “Update me. What’s been going in the life of ‘Ricky’?”

That afternoon they caught up on just about everything. Ricky diving into his work and what’s going on with school. As Ricky spoke, his mood kept getting lighter and happier; it was like the Ricky she's come to know and love was finally breaking through his somber shell.

Neither would admit it, but it felt as if everything had fallen back into place.

* * *

“Ricky!” Nini groans as his face pops onto the screen. She was exhausted from the last few hours, deciding to nestle up in her sheets as she glances to the mess of her bedroom.

The young girl was in the midst of packing up her things. Graduation was only a few weeks away and Nini was starting to ship things back to Salt Lake to her moms’ place. When she returns to her hometown, she’s moving into her own apartment but her lease won’t start until a week after graduation so her childhood home will have to do as storage for now. Packing has not been fun one bit, it’s been difficult deciding what to keep with her since she’d be in New York for at least another month. But she was slowly getting through it.

His chuckle echoes through her room, knowing exactly why Nini was groaning tiredly. She had sent him a progress photo of her room and if he was being utterly honest, it didn’t look like she did much. Actually, it looked like she made more clutter since the first photo.

“ _Bug, you know you don’t leave for another couple of weeks. I don’t know why you’re packing so early._ ” He points out, leaning back onto his headboard.

Nini scrunches her nose at her best friend, “Because you leave packing to the last minute.” She retorts. When she sees him open his mouth to counter her comment, she chimes in once more leaning closer to the camera and pointing her finger at him. “Don’t even deny it! I know whenever you come to SLC you pack the day before and sometimes the day of!”

 _“Okay, whatever.”_ Ricky rolls his eyes, shifting slightly in his bed to make himself more comfortable and trying his best not to jostle his laptop too much. _“I’m actually surprised you’re moving back. You always talked about how much you love New York, even when we were kids.”_

“I know.” Nini sighs, glancing around her bedroom. Despite the mess, her walls were still decorated with photos and keepsakes. Smiling at the memories that she had made the last four years, thinking about how much she was going to miss this place. “It’s just so expensive to live here. Like my bank account is going to run dry before I even turn thirty. Honestly, I don’t know how you afford to live in Chicago.”

Ricky shrugs nonchalantly, a glint appearing in his eye as he watched his best friend through the tiny screen. _“It’s manageable.”_ He presses his lips together in thought, “ _Have you heard back from anything in Salt Lake?”_

“Yeah, well sort of.” Nini gets out of her spot, leaving her computer on her bed for a second as she grabs her planner that had the jobs that she’d been applying to. Highlighting the ones, she was really interested in and starring the ones that had offered a position. “I have my top three, I just need to narrow it down. One in Provo, West Jordan and obviously one in SLC.”

 _“Provo’s a little far.”_ Ricky points out.

Of course, Nini knew this. It wasn’t news to Ricky that she had applied and gotten an offer in Provo, but she understands why he was a little skeptical that it had landed in her top three. After living so far away from her moms the last few years, she wanted to live relatively close to them. And Provo was nearly an hour drive just one way. Granted it wasn’t that far, but she didn’t want to live so far in case her moms needed her in an instant.

Secretly, she knew which one she wanted but she was still trying to convince herself to accept it. She wanted to take the one in West Jordan. It was close enough to her moms, and it was also the closest to her apartment. If she took the one in Provo, it’d still be a good twenty minute drive but she was willing to make the trip because of how good the position was.

Nini just needed to convince herself that West Jordan was the right choice. Even after her talk with Momma D she was still having a little trouble letting her heart decide for her. Her habit of overthinking always shadowed over everything. It was a hard habit to break, but she promises she is working on it.

“I know.” She nods in acknowledgment, tucking her hair behind both of her ears as she shuts her planner. “I want to take the one in West. But you know, my brain isn’t being easy on me.” Nini chuckles lightheartedly.

 _“Well, I’ll support you wherever you decide to go._ ” He smiles encouragingly, _“Still so proud of you, bug.”_

“Thanks,” Nini scrunches her nose, slightly embarrassed. “Enough about me, have you decided on anything yet?”

Apparently, Ricky’s gotten a few offers for some big engineering companies but he’s not too sure which one to accept, just like her. Nini wasn’t sure what the reason was behind it, all she knew it had something to do with the company but if she was being honest she doesn’t know what an engineer does exactly. Ricky explained it to her one too many times and she still didn’t quite understand. So, she learned to just nod along and agree to what he would say.

 _“Not yet.”_ He murmurs, shaking his head, _“I have an interview next week with this one place that I really want to get. So, hopefully everything goes well.”_

“Fingers crossed!” Nini intertwines her index and middle finger and brings it up towards the camera.

The rest of their call was filled with jokes and teasing the other, both wanting desperately to forget about what was to come in the next few weeks. Neither were prepared to get a start on their lives, both frightened by what their future was going to bring them.

* * *

“What do you think about Nini?” Ricky blurts out, not quite realizing the words tumbling from his mouth until they had fallen.

Lynne lifts her head to look over at her son curiously. The pair were preparing dinner together, while Mike was still at work. It had been a little while since Ricky had been home last, and considering graduation was just around the corner and he was about to start a new chapter of his life he wasn’t sure when the next time they’d be able to have something as simple as family dinner together.

“What do you mean?” Lynne chuckles, shaking her head as she returns to the boiling pot of water. Prying open the box of spaghetti noodles and gently placing them into the water as she sets a timer on her phone. “I think she’s kind and smart, and probably going to be a best-selling author before she turns twenty-five. I love her to bits. Nini’s like the daughter I never had.”

“No, Mom I meant-” Ricky starts, but he stops himself before he says too much. Shifting his gaze back to the cutting board in front of him, moving the freshly chopped onions into the hot skillet on the stove. “Actually, nevermind. It’s dumb.”

The older woman sends her son a quizzical look, puzzled on what he was about to say. Normally, she would let the matter drop but the last few weeks she noticed that Ricky had been slightly off. So, she decided to press the matter further just a little.

Tucking a strand of her curly hair behind her ear, she leans her hip against the counter. “I won’t judge, Ricky.” She reassures him, “You can ask me anything you want.”

The wooden spoon in his hand pauses briefly, as he was stirring around the onions as they sautéed in the pan. Deciding to keep his attention on the white onions slowly starting to turn translucent as they continued to cook, he bites the inside of his cheek nervously. “I don’t know, Mom,” Ricky lets out a deep sigh, lifting his shoulder in a shrug, “I guess, I kind of meant what do you think about Nini and…me…together…” He trails off, anxious of her response and avoiding all eye contact with her.

“Oh,” Lynne mutters for lack of a better response. Soon realization begins to kick in, and she couldn’t help the subtle smile slipping onto her lips. “Well, what do you think about it?”

That was definitely not the response that he was expecting from her. Snapping his head to look at his mother, she wore an expression that he couldn’t quite recognize. Her eyes bore into his, awaiting his answer and she seemed quite relaxed and calm considering the bomb that Ricky had just dropped. Granted he never outright admitted his feelings, but it wasn’t too hard to put pieces back together.

He stopped his motions with the wooden spoon, setting it down on the glass plate that sat next to the stove. Turning the knob to lower the flame, not wanting the onions to burn as he brought his attention back to his mother. Ricky felt like she was trying to pry the answer out of him, even though she wasn’t saying anything. He felt intimidated, and yet a little comforted that his Mom didn’t completely shoot him down.

“Why are you turning this back on me?”

“Because I need to know how serious you are about this.” She tells him honestly, “I’m not the one that’s in the relationship. So, it doesn’t really matter what I think. I want to know what you think about you and Nini.”

Ricky runs his hand through his curls, “Mom, don’t you get it?” He lets out an exasperated sigh, “It does matter what you think, because this is Nini we’re talking about. Your best friends’ daughter. No matter how serious I am about being with her, we have to think about you guys too.”

If he was being totally honest, he was tired of their parents’ being one of their hurdles. He knows that he should think about their feelings and what they think about him and Nini, and somewhere deep down he did care. But at the surface level, it was far more difficult because all he wanted to do was be with one girl he loves. He didn’t care about anything else besides her.

Turning his attention back to the stove, he throws the garlic and meat that was sitting on the side into the skillet. Setting the heat up a little higher, adding a little water to get the cooking going, he places the cover on top, letting it steam for a little as it cooked.

“But don’t you get it, Ricky?” Lynne counters back with the same amount of energy her son had, “All we ever care and want is for you guys to be happy.”

The air filled with a loud noise as the timer for the pasta went off. Immediately Lynne takes the pasta off the stove she drains the noodles into the colander that was sitting in the sink. Letting it sit there for a while, she shakes the remaining bits of water before setting the colander to sit on a plate as they wait for the pasta sauce to finish up.

He takes the lid off of the skillet and dumps the bottle of tomato sauce into the mixture. Adding a little bit of salt and pepper before coating every piece making sure it was all even. Placing the lid back on top, he lets the sauce begin to simmer.

Ricky makes his way over to stand shoulder to shoulder with his mom. The small of his back leaned against the cold countertop as he stared down at his hands, fiddling with the ring his dad had given him as a high school graduation present. The silver metal was bright against his pale skin, and it was one of his favourite presents he’s ever gotten.

“So, tell me. What do you think about you and Nini?” Lynne repeats her question from earlier hoping this time around he would answer. Slightly nudging her son, a small teasing smile was displayed on her face as she tried to lighten the mood. Despite her teasing manner, a small part of her was serious, and they both knew this.

“I mean, she’s my best friend.” A shy smile makes its way onto his face, keeping his attention on his ring. “She’s always making me laugh, even when I’m upset. And when we're so far apart, she makes me feel like she’s right next to me. When we moved, I was scared that I was going to lose her. But after, what, ten years? She’s still my best friend, my favourite person. My person.” He draws his lip in between his teeth as he feels a rush of blood spread through his face.

He couldn’t believe that he had just admitted all of that to his mom. Growing up he always went to his mom about everything. Maybe it was because he took after her in so many ways, that it was just easier to be open to her about everything. But never once in his entire life has he told her even a semblance of the truth about his feelings for Nini. Even when she had asked him a few times back in high school, he denied it. Far too scared of what she would say if he was honest and upfront.

Maybe it was different now because everything between him and Nini was starting to build up. From their first conversation about it, to his slip up at Christmas and even to earlier that year when they weren’t speaking. His feelings were beginning to become too much for him to handle on his own and he needed some sense of comfort. And maybe, he was looking for some sort of permission.

But as he spoke, he started to realize that he didn’t need permission to feel the way that he does.

“So, you’re in love with her.” Lynne looks over at her son.

As the words flew out Lynne’s mouth, Ricky couldn’t help but smile. A small, curt nod in response to his mother’s question. He’s in love with his best friend, plain and simple. And he was absolutely certain that nothing in the world is ever going to change that. There wasn’t a single doubt in his mind as he utters the next few words.

“I think she’s the one, Mom.”

“Then go for it,” His mom’s hand falls on his back, pulling him in closer to her side.

* * *

The last few weeks have been an absolute blur for both Ricky and Nini. They were completely swamped with finals and wrapping up everything that needed to be done in preparation for both their graduations. It was unfortunate they couldn’t attend each other’s due to their conflicting schedules, but they both knew they were there in spirit.

But that didn’t stop Ricky sending over a bouquet of flowers, like he did for every big event. Even back in high school, he would send her flowers for her recitals and musicals, her graduation and even when she had gotten into NYU. So, he didn’t even think twice when he called the closest floral boutique by Nini’s apartment and roped Gina into picking them up for his best friend.

Ricky was in the middle of dinner with some of his friends from his program when her face popped up on his screen as his phone vibrated on the table. Quickly, he excuses himself and makes his way out of the restaurant before picking up the call.

“Am I speaking with the newest NYU graduate?” Ricky exclaims in replacement of a greeting.

A giggle could be heard through the speaker, _“You got it!”_

Leaning his back against the brick wall, as he gripped his phone tighter in his hands pressing it against his ear as if to hear her better. “Did you get my flowers?” Ricky asks.

There were tons of people strolling down the street, but Ricky wasn’t all that surprised since his friends wanted to go to some fancy place in the heart of Chicago. Everyone walking passed him seemed to be dressed extra nicely, walking in and out of restaurants as the evening dinner rush started to pick up.

 _“Yeah, but you didn’t have to get me flowers, or anything for that matter.”_ Nini points out, her voice softening but still slightly teasing her best friend.

Immediately he knew she got his package probably today or the day before since she hadn’t mentioned it to him when they were on the phone yesterday morning. It wasn’t anything big by any means. He bought her a silver bar bracelet, ‘Born to Write’ was written on it. It might’ve cost an extra few dollars than he was aiming to spend, but he didn’t care.

Nini is worth every penny.

“It’s not every day my best girl graduates from college, now is it?” He teases, smiling as he shifts his gaze to look down at his brown wing-tipped shoes.

 _“Shut up.”_ He could practically see Nini rolling her eyes, as she sinks further into herself. _“Thank you.”_

There was an air of silence that fell around them. Both of them knew what was on both of their minds. Now that their post-secondary education was coming to an end, their future was something neither of them were quite ready to tackle. Freshly twenty-two they couldn’t wrap their heads around the fact that they were being thrusted into the real world.

So many things hung in the air, and they weren’t quite sure if they were ready to let go the comfort of school. It was all they’ve ever known, and now having to leave their education behind and move on with their lives, it was fucking scary.

“You’re heading home.” Ricky states, sliding his unoccupied hand into the pocket of his jeans.

“ _Yeah_ ,” Nini lets out a deep breath, _“Then I’ll be in West Jordan doing what I hope is what I want to do for the rest of my life.”_ She pauses, taking in a sharp breath and Ricky knows that she’s trying to control herself from letting her emotions get the best of her. _“Things are changing.”_

The corner of Ricky’s lips tug downwards briefly, “They’ve always been changing.” He tells her honestly. This conversation felt all too familiar to the one they had back on her porch all those years ago.

 _“It feels different this time.”_ Nini mutters. He hears her sniffle through the phone, causing his heart to tug. The last thing he wanted was Nini to be sad on the night of one of her biggest accomplishments. But before Ricky could reassure and comfort her, she spoke up once more, _“Are you coming to Salt Lake this summer?”_ She asks timidly.

He should’ve expected this question. It was the one thing that they refused to talk about the last ten months. Now that they were about to start their adult lives, there wasn’t really such a thing as summer break. Sure, they could still take vacation during the summer months, but it’s not the same when they weren’t in school. It’d be only for a few weeks at a time, a month, tops.

“I-I don’t know.” He hesitates.

Nervously he bites the inside of his cheek, tightening his grip on the phone in his hand. Nini’s shaky breath immediately tells him that she’s disappointed. It hurt him to know that he was the reason for this reaction. The last thing he wants is to be the reason that she was hurt, but there really wasn’t anything he could do.

At least not right now.

“ _O-okay,_ ” Nini manages to let out, “ _Um, I should go. My flight’s early tomorrow_.”

“Hey, bug?” Ricky calls before Nini could hastily hang up the phone. Nini hums in acknowledgment, probably not trusting herself to utter anything aloud in fear she’d be revealing far more than she’d prefer to. “I’m so fucking proud of you.”

 _“I’m proud of you too.”_ Nini murmurs, _“I’ll text you when I land.”_

And with that, the line goes dead. Ricky lets out a deep breath that he didn’t know he was holding. It felt like his chest was on fire, as he bottled up everything not wanting Nini to read right through him. Just like her, he was disheartened by their conversation and all he could hope for is that whatever happens this summer he finds the guts to tell her what’s in his heart.

* * *

Ricky was barely listening as Nini blabbed on about her new job. It wasn’t that he was disinterested, far from it, but he was a little preoccupied with packing up everything in his apartment. Trying to shove as much as he could into one box before moving to the next one.

He was moving in just a few short weeks. If he was being honest, he was a little sad to be moving out of the apartment he’d been sharing with EJ and Carlos for the last four years. But, staying with them wasn’t practical. He got the call just after graduation, the one job he was hoping for offered him a position and he was honestly so happy. They all went out to celebrate that night, reminiscing the last couple of years and how they were both excited and terrified to take on adulthood.

 _“Are you almost done packing?”_ Nini asks.

Bringing his head up to look at his laptop that sat on his desk while he was on the floor sorting through some things. Nini seemed to realize that he wasn’t entirely listening to her story, and decided to drop it for now. She was shoveling spoonfuls of yogurt into her mouth, as she sat at her kitchen island.

Nini had just finished moving everything into her new apartment. Finally having everything organized and neatly put away by the end of last week, so now she got to fully enjoy her apartment for what it was. And day by day, it was slowly beginning to feel like home.

“No,” Ricky shakes his head in answer, “Kinda sucks too, but I don’t move for another three weeks. At least I have a little more time.”

 _“You excited for the new job?”_ Nini presses, bringing her attention to the yogurt in her hand as she picks up another heaping spoon. _“Maybe you’ll meet someone there! EJ mentioned that you haven’t gone on a date since like November.”_ She adds casually, continuing to munch on her yogurt.

His body went rigid as he heard the words tumble from Nini’s mouth. He didn’t want to meet anyone else. The one person he wanted, was sitting in her apartment over a thousand miles away from him and she was pressuring him about meeting someone new. There was no way in hell he’d ever find someone that could even come close to Nini.

Trust him, he’s tried.

Slowly, without so much as a word, he gets up from his spot and makes his way over to his desk. Taking a seat on the chair, he watches as Nini continues to scrape at her bowl trying to get every last little bit of yogurt and granola onto her spoon. He smiles shyly as some of Nini’s hair fell from her bun and framed her face perfectly. Her face was bare, having wiped off her makeup the second she got home from work that day. And her attention was so centered on the bowl she didn’t hear or see anything going on around her.

As the silence starts to drag on, Nini chances a glance at the camera assuming Ricky was probably still packing away his things. And she knew there was a good chance he didn’t hear her or if he did, it went in one ear and out the other. But when she’s met with Ricky staring at her with an odd look on his face, she knits her eyebrows together in confusion.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” She questions, immediately moving to check the camera as to see if there was anything on her face. Hurriedly, she wipes at her cheeks and her mouth, maybe the camera just didn’t pick up on whatever she assumed was on her face.

“Nins, I don’t want to meet someone.”

It surprises him to say the least. Weeks ago, after chatting with his mom, he knew he wanted to talk to Nini, he just wasn’t sure how. But the one thing he swore to himself was that he was going to do it face-to-face. Whether she’s in Chicago or he’s in Salt Lake City, as long as he was able to physically be with her, no matter the outcome. He wanted to be able to comfort her even if things don’t go the way either of them wanted to.

But his brain seemed to have other plans. He could easily back out on what he just said, and make up some sorry excuse that he just wasn’t ready to date right now. Even though he hasn’t been in a relationship in over two years, he’s certain Nini would buy into the lie. Nini understood that Ricky had goals and priorities, and dating wasn’t exactly high on the list.

The part inside of him that wanted to wait was starting to be overshadowed. And no matter how much he tried to wager with himself, he knew he had to get this off his chest. It was like all the stepping stones were being laid in front of him.

 _“Why not?”_ She asks.

Those two little words was what tipped him over the edge.

“Why would I want someone else when there’s y-”

 _“Stop.”_ Nini snaps, _“Stop right there.”_ She tells him firmly, her bowl clattering down onto the island. He could see the spoon fly out of the dish, but she didn’t seem to care as she kept her stare on the camera. _“You can’t say that.”_

Ricky runs his hands through his hair, before arguing back, “But it’s true! Nini, why do you think I don’t date? Why do you think I can’t settle down? God, my longest relationship was only a few months because I still couldn’t commit to her.” He breathes out, “And, do you want to know why? It’s because I’m in l-”

“ _Stop it!_ ” Nini cries out, and suddenly it was clear to him that tears were beginning to form in his best friend’s eyes. Her fingers were splayed across her temples as she tries to suppress the growing sorrow building up inside of her. _“Stop! Stop! Stop!”_

“Stop stopping me!”

 _“No!”_ Nini gets up out of her seat, beginning to pace back and forth in her kitchen. One hand gripped her hip, and the other was pulling on her bottom lip. It seemed like her brain was running a thousand miles a minute, as if she was debating to say what was on her mind. _“If you say it out loud, then it’s real.”_ Her voice was laced with worry, and it wavered like she was going to break out into tears at any moment.

Appalled by her reaction, his jaw tightens in anger as he tries to control the emotions that were coursing through him. “What’s so wrong with it being real?” He takes in a slow deep breath, squaring his shoulders as he straightens his posture. “I can’t pretend anymore, Nini.”

The small girl on the screen snaps her head in his direction. _“Yes, you can.”_ She bites with irritation in her tone, _“For years, you’ve constantly asked me to pretend things weren’t happening, that things weren’t changing. Why can’t you pretend for me just this once?”_ Her voice immediately softens as she hurriedly runs her fingers underneath her eyes to catch any tears before they could fall.

“But for how long?” His voice matching her volume, letting the anger simmer down. He watches as Nini slowly sits back down, but it was obvious that her emotions were all over the place right now. “You’ve said it yourself, we can’t pretend forever. I’ve been pretending for twenty-two years, bug. I don’t know how much longer I can hold out for.”

The silence that fell around them wasn’t really all that silent at all. Thousands of questions were pounding on both of their brains, neither sure of the answer to a single one of them. They’ve said so much in the last ten minutes than they have in their entire lives, and it was far too difficult to even start wrapping their heads around what to do, or what to even say.

He watches as Nini’s lips press together and her fingers scratched at her nail polish anxiously. Her eyes were casted downwards at his question, ashamed that she didn’t have an answer. Or rather, her answer was something neither of them wanted to hear. Her hair was messier than it was a few moments ago and yet, he couldn’t help but think she still looked absolutely beautiful despite the saddened and stressed look on her face.

When Nini doesn’t say anything, Ricky leans slightly forward towards the screen, “What are you so scared of?” He asks loud enough for her to hear, noticing her features as she begins to sink back into herself.

Nibbling on her bottom lip, she blinks rapidly a few times before lifting her head to look him straight in the eye. _“What’s there not to be scared of, Ricky?”_ Her voice cracks, her lips turned down in a slight frown, _“I’m scared of long distance, the friendships that could be ruined and I don’t mean just ours.”_ She huffs.

Although Ricky’s already gotten the go ahead from his mom, he’ll admit he’s scared of ruining their parents’ friendship too. Even the relationship between him and Nini’s moms. But, he was tired of letting fear drive his decisions, and he just hoped Nini could find it somewhere in heart to do the same as him.

 _“I’m scared that you’re mistaking love for something else, and that you only think you love me because I’m familiar. Or since we haven’t tried things out, the second that we do you’re going to realize it was the biggest mistake of your life.”_ Nini falls silent for a few seconds, casting her gaze back down to her hands as she starts to dig into the skin on her finger. _“But, I’m so fucking scared that you’re going to break my heart. You hold it in your hands, and you are the only person capable of breaking it into a million pieces and I’ll never be able to glue it back together.”_

Ricky feels his chest tighten as he hears Nini’s confession tumble from her mouth. He had no idea what to say. Sure, all her fears were similar to his, having at least crossed his mind at least once in the last few years. But, there was something in the latter half of her rambling that caused Ricky to feel like the grip she had on his heart squeezed every ounce of blood out of it.

Did she really think he was going to break her heart? To the point of unrepair?

“Do you honestly think I could break your heart?” Deciding to voice his thoughts, his throat felt like it was closing in on itself as he felt pressure beginning to build up behind his eyes.

 _“I don’t know.”_ Nini confesses, her voice dying at the last syllable. She lifts her shoulders in a shrug, as he sees her gulp in preparation to speak, _“I don’t know what could happen if we ever tried to be together.”_ She shakes her head side to side, as if she was trying to rid the idea from her mind.

“Well, how could you?” Ricky argues, pushing his hands through his hair tugging at the ends a little. “You don’t even want to give us a chance.”

Nini’s tongue darts out licking her lips, _“I want to, Ricky.”_ She lets out a deep breath, her tears beginning to glisten in her eyes, _“But, I can’t.”_

Ricky looks at his best friend through the screen, eyeing her carefully. Analyzing her every move, from every flicker of her eyes to the twitch in her cheek every time she tried to fight off her tears as if she was pushing them back into her tear ducts. Neither had said anything for a few minutes, silence enveloping them once more which felt like the thousandth time since their conversation started.

Drawing his lip between his teeth, he debates with himself in his head. And against his better judgment, he decides to ask the question that’s been pressing on his mind.

“Are you in love with me?”

At his question, Nini freezes at his question. Her eyes widen as she stares down at her hands, her finger starting to scratch at her skin more viciously. And through the camera, he notices that she broke skin but she didn’t seem to care and he couldn’t exactly tell if she even noticed. She seemed to be so lost in her own mind to notice.

“Because, I’m in love with you.” He continues when she doesn’t say anything.

It felt fucking good to finally get it off of his chest, despite the circumstances at the moment. Nini looked at him as if he had lost his head, and in all honesty it was the complete opposite. Once those words tumbled out of his mouth, he felt like his head was finally screwed on right.

“I’m so in love with you, Nini, to the point I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t care what kind of obstacles we have to go through. Complications be damned. All I know is that I want to be with you. Isn’t that what you want too?”

 _“I want to answer you,”_ Nini starts, picking her head up slowly an unreadable expression on her face, _“I know my answer. And I know you know the answer too. And you know what I think about us being together. So…I think it’s best if I go. Good night, Ricky.”_

“Nins-” Ricky starts, but cuts himself off when his screen is met with his desktop saver once more.

As he stared at his laptop screen, he felt like his heart was practically ripped out of his chest. The girl across the country holding it tightly in her grasp. If only he had waited until he saw her in person, then she wouldn’t have the chance to hang up. Maybe they could’ve figured out a better solution, maybe he could’ve held her and assured her that no matter what he wasn’t going anywhere. Maybe the result would’ve been different, but at this point, Ricky was a little doubtful of that.

What the fuck was he supposed to do now?

* * *

To say that Nini felt awful would be the understatement of the century.

After she clicked the red button, she stared at her laptop for what felt like hours. In reality, it was probably only upwards of thirty minutes. If you asked her to repeat everything they had said, play by play, she wouldn’t be able to tell you. Everything happened so fast and she simply couldn’t keep up. Words flew out of her mouth before she even realized they were being said, and that almost never happens to her.

All she knows is that their friendship probably just went down the drain today. From every word that was uttered, and every expression that crossed both of their faces it was clear that they’ll never go back to what they were. There was no chance in hell that she could face him, that Ricky would even want to see her after hanging up on him, that he could still love her for breaking his heart.

It’s been difficult trying to wrap her head around everything that had just happened. She kept trying to look for something, anything, to prove that they weren’t ruined. But, she couldn’t find it. The only thing that kept running through her mind was the question of who was at fault tonight. Was it Ricky for proclaiming his love to her? Was it Nini begging him to stop? Was it Ricky for pushing her? Was it Nini for hanging up? Or, maybe they were both at fault.

If Nini was being honest, she knew it was mostly on her. Ricky can’t help who he loves, Nini of all people understands that. She’s been in love with him for so many years, no matter how hard she’s tried, how many people she dated; he will always have a piece of her heart – maybe a little bit more than just a piece.

Everything she had said tonight was the truth. She had so many fears connected to their potential romantic relationship. Ricky held her heart in his hands, and the second she hung up he took it with him and Nini wasn’t sure if she’d ever be able to get it back.

At that moment, Nini felt numb.

Her body buzzed from head to toe. No matter how many times she tried to calm herself down, she couldn’t. And it was like she was put on autopilot and she was heading to her bedroom, leaving her laptop and her empty bowl on the counter. Without thinking, she started rifling through her bedside table in search of something she wasn’t quite sure what until her fingertips had touched it.

It was a light pink notebook with little aesthetic planets printed on the cover. Carefully, she begins to flip open the notebook but starting from the back, as she takes a seat on the floor. Her handwriting stared back at her as she read over the list that she wrote so many years ago in glittery pink ink. As she read over each little bullet point, her vision began to blur as she traced her finger along the old ink.

Taking in a few shaky breaths, her hand comes up to her forehead as she pushes her baby hairs up as she continues to cry on her bedroom floor. Drawing her lip in between her teeth, as she continued down the list despite the tears obstructing her vision. When she gets to point twelve, she realizes the list stops.

As she reads it over and over again, she realizes that everything on that list still stood true to this day. But there wasn’t a single thing she would add today that she didn’t think of all of those years ago. Slowly, she brings her shaky hand to turn to the front of the notebook, looking at the list that always made her happier.

Unable to help herself, she giggles at a few of the points her younger self had made. As she went through the list, the corners of her lips turned up slightly despite how heartbroken she had been feeling in the last hour. The list was nearly three times as long as the one in the back, and she hated that the list in the back was the one that was tattooed in her mind. Because looking at this list right now, she could add a million more.

She wishes she could live the life she wants, but in her head, it wasn’t logical. She’s done just about every calculation, and every sum ended up not in her favour. The words Mama D had told her all those months ago played in her head like a recording that was stuck on repeat. And yet, she couldn’t make herself choose what was in her heart.

She hated that she couldn’t force herself to just ignore all the negatives and the obstacles they would have to get through. She hated that she wasn’t a risk taker, like he was. She hated that no matter what happened tonight, she couldn’t make herself tell him the truth.

That she is hopelessly and irrevocably in love with Richard Bowen.

* * *

Radio silence.

That’s all she’s gotten from her best friend in the last two weeks. After their dreaded facetime call, she hasn’t received a single call or text from him. Not even an email, which she’s not all that surprised about since they haven’t used that mode of communication since high school.

Nini would be lying if she said she was surprised. If she was him, she wouldn’t want to talk to her either. She ruined everything between them that night. Ricky is not at fault whatsoever. He simply told her what lived in his heart, like the brave man he was. And, she was the one that blew up and practically threw their relationship out the window.

Honestly, she was utterly heartbroken ever since that call. She still went about her day, working as hard as she could and practically drowning herself in writing her novel along with her work life. She did everything to distract herself from the fact that Ricky hasn’t spoken to her. It was a little harder at night when she was trying to sleep, because all her brain seemed to do was drift to her best friend that she hasn’t heard from.

There wasn’t really anything that she could do. She was too much of a coward to call him, scared that if she did he wouldn’t answer or worse, he’d answer and tell her he never wanted to speak to her again. And she didn’t have the guts to put herself through that just yet.

So, living her life in limbo right now is the best next thing.

Letting out a deep sigh, deciding to push the thoughts to the back of her head. She gets up and grabs her laptop and notebook that she left on her coffee table the night before. Returning back to the kitchen, she sets up her little station as she starts to work on her novel once more.

It has become a routine that every night after dinner, she’d sit in front of her laptop for three hours and try to bang out as much as she could. Her philosophy was to write everything that came to mind first, and never look back until the first draft was completely finished. Then, after a week she would return to it and edit the crap out of it.

Her book was nearly finished and she was thrilled to have her first book done. The only problem she was having was the ending. She wasn’t exactly sure of how to end it. There were upwards of a thousand notes scribbled in her notebook, different variations of scenarios and dialogues but nothing seemed perfect. She loved bits and pieces of each, but there wasn’t one that screamed out to her. There was something missing, and she wasn’t exactly sure what.

As she was in the middle of editing, there was a brisk knock on her door. Furrowing her eyebrows, she glances over to the clock, noticing that it was nearly eight. She figures it was probably her neighbour returning some paint she had lent a few nights ago. Apparently, she was doing some painting for her class, and Nini was more than happy to share.

Prying the door open, she expects to see the short Asian girl she had recently met, but instead she was faced with the last person she thought it would be.

“Ricky.” She breathes out for lack of a better response. “You’re…here?”

Her best friend stood before her, clad in ripped jeans, an old t-shirt and his favourite pair of black vans. His hands were tucked into his pocket, and he had an undecipherable expression on his face. Nini wasn’t exactly sure what to think.

What was he even doing in Salt Lake?

“Yeah.” He mutters, looking into her dark eyes before turning his head to peer into her apartment quickly. Pointing over her shoulder, a sly grin taking on his features, “Can I come in?”

“Oh, yeah, of course.” Nini takes a few steps back as she widens the door to let him come in.

Neither say much as Ricky enters her apartment. Nini kept her eyes casted downwards a little uncomfortable with her surprise guest, while Ricky admired every nook and cranny of the space in front of him. Sure, he’s seen thousands of photos throughout the entire process of her moving in but it’s never the same when it’s through a camera – that goes for more than just decorating an apartment.

Nini presses her lips together as she quietly follows Ricky as he walks aimlessly around the living room. Tucking her hair behind both of her ears, she finds the courage to look up at her best friend, his back facing her as his gaze seems to be focused on the bookshelf by the television. She couldn’t help but feel her lips tug at the corners, as she noticed a few framed photos of them that decorated the shelves and she just knew that he was admiring them too.

“So, uh, what are you doing here?”

Ricky finally turns to look Nini in the eyes, the petite girl was fidgeting with the ends of her sleeves nervously as she kept their locked stare. “Honestly?” Ricky starts, his own nerves starting to kick in. “I wanted to talk to you.”

“About what happened?” She asks quietly, drawing her lip in between her teeth.

“Amongst other things.” Ricky nods, shifting his gaze towards the gray sectional, “Could we, uh, sit? I feel like this is going to take a lot longer than five minutes.”

Nodding frantically, Nini moves around to sit on the couch. As she’s about to take a seat, she pauses mid-air standing back up to full height. “Oh, did you want anything to drink? I have water, juice, oh, I have these drinkable yogurt thingys I bought at the store the other day. Or would you rather have something to eat?” She starts rambling, “I made these muffins the other day. A new recipe I was trying out. The last couple of weeks I’ve been like going through the cookbook Kourt bought me for Christmas and like a few of the-”

“Nini, oh my god.” Ricky interrupts, a grin beginning to slip onto his face as he grabs onto her arm encouraging her to sit down. “Calm down, relax. I’m good. I just want to talk to you. Can you take a breath for me?”

Inhaling through her nose, she nods as she slowly takes a seat next to him but still leaves some space in between them. She stared at Ricky’s hand that was still circled around her, and as if her stare was like an iron rod Ricky tore his hand off of her and brought it back into his lap.

Nervously, Nini begins to twist her fingers together as she waits for whatever Ricky wanted to say. She wished she had at least a little bit of a heads up before he arrived, maybe she could’ve tidied up a bit or even prepared a snack even if he claims he wasn’t hungry. And mostly, she could’ve mentally prepared herself for every possible outcome this conversation was going to lead to.

“I know we kind of left things off at a weird place.” Ricky starts.

“I know,” Nini interjects, “I’m sorry about hanging up and I just-”

“Nins, I just need to get this out before I lose my nerve.” He tells her honestly, shifting slightly in his position to face her. The young woman nods reluctantly and gestures for him to continue. “I know I crossed the line we’ve been trying to avoid since, like, ever. And, I just want to apologize for being so harsh, I guess, with how I was talking to you and handling things. I was just so frustrated, you know?”

Nini nods in agreement, watching carefully as Ricky could barely look her in the eye as he spoke. Every time their eyes locked, he immediately would shift to look down at the couch or over her shoulder. As long as it wasn’t direct eye contact, he managed to get out whatever he was saying.

His tongue darts out licking his lips uneasily, “But I’m not sorry for asking you what I did.” Ricky blurts out, surprising her by his response. “We can’t keep toeing the line, Nini. We can’t just avoid that there’s something here. We have to be honest with ourselves, we owe each other that much.”

“I know.” Nini gulps, turning to fold her legs underneath herself as she props an arm on the back of the couch. “I just,” She begins to feel pressure behind her eyes but she blinks rapidly to make the sensation disappear, “It’s never been easy for me. You’re willing to put everything out on the line, and I don’t know how you do it. I admire you for it, actually. I want to be able to let my heart guide me, but it’s so hard thinking about everything that could go wrong.”

Ricky moves closer, their knees touching each other’s as he takes one of her hands in his. Running his thumb along the grooves of her knuckles, causing Nini to look down at their joined hands. Sinking her teeth into her bottom lip, Ricky slowly brings his other hand to her chin and he presses his thumb down begging her to let go.

Taking in a deep breath, “I think about all of those things too, bug.” He utters, running his thumb along her bottom lip noticing the small indentation she had made with her teeth. “I’m scared as shit, but I know you are what I want. You have always been what I want, Nina. The question is, do you want me as much as I want you?”

Her eyes flicker across his face, as if searching for the smallest hint that he was lying. When she didn’t find it, she shifted slightly and her hand that was on the back of the couch dropped down to her knee. Beginning to pinch herself nervously, she takes in a shaky breath.

“You know that I do.” She tells him honestly, “But how are we meant to even be together, Ricky? My life is here, and yours is in Chicago. Long distance relationships don’t always w-”

“Hey, hey,” Ricky’s palm moves to cradle her cheek, “Let me stop you right there. We don’t have to have a long distance relationship.”

Furrowing her brows, confusion written all over her face, “What?”

Ricky chuckles, nodding his head, “Yeah, it was supposed to be a surprise. But, that job I was practically begging for is right here in Utah.” A smile evident on his face, clear that he was enjoying her complete shock from his statement. “My stuff comes in at the end of the week. I tried to pack everything up as fast as possible because I didn’t want to keep you waiting too long. You needed to hear the truth, face to face. Where I can hold you, and assure you that we can do this.”

“B-but why?”

“Because I want to be with you.” He runs his thumb over her cheek lovingly, “Plus, this is my home. Salt Lake has always been my home. Also, mom and dad plan on moving back here in the next year, too tired of the big city. But honestly, a small part of it was because of you but I love it here and it’s much more manageable than living in downtown Chicago.”

The last part made the tiny brunette in his arms giggle, leaning further into his touch. But she freezes in his hand as a thought flashes through her mind. Gulping down a lump in her throat, as she brings her hand up to Ricky’s wrist as she lifts her head from his hold.

“Are you sure we should be doing this?” She asks. “What about our parents?”

“Don’t worry about them.” He reassures her, “Mom told me all she wants is for us to be happy. And if I’m h-”

“You told Lynne?!” She gasps, her eyes widening to the size of saucers.

Ricky lets out a loud laugh, untangling their hands and he cradles her face once more. “Nini, babe, it’s okay. Everything’s okay, they’re happy for us. I promise you.” He smiles brightly, bringing their faces closer together.

A sneaking smile makes its way onto her lips, “You called me babe.”

“Sure did.” He smiles cheekily, “So, what are the chances that you’d let me kiss you right now?”

Nini hums in thought, pretending to debate over her options but they both knew what the answer was going to be. Sinking her teeth into her bottom lip for a moment, turning her eyes up to look up at him with the same sparkle she’s had ever since he could remember.

“I think your chances are looking good.” She teases, “Babe.”

Neither were sure who leaned in first but the next thing they knew their lips were molded together. It felt like their entire world had stopped and their hearts were beating together as one. Completely melting into the kiss, Ricky’s thumbs continued to graze over her cheeks as Nini moved one of her hands to slide against his chest as the other made its way to play with the hair on the back of his neck.

He smelt like his amazing aftershave, she couldn’t help but think. And his hair was incredibly soft, probably having just washed it just before he had arrived at her front door. Nini’s hand roamed the plain of his chest, feeling his heart thumping right underneath her palm. And she couldn’t help but quirk a small smile in their kiss, thinking that his heart was beating just for her.

Their foreheads pressed against each other as they started to pull away. But Ricky was unable to help himself, he presses a few small pecks to her lips not wanting the moment to end just yet. Their eyes remained closed as they embraced the last few moments, their breaths fanning over each other’s faces and she slightly tightened her grip on his hair.

“Ricky?” Nini whispers, slowly beginning to open her eyes.

Once she did, she was immediately met with his warm ones. A small glimmer in his eyes that if she blinked she might’ve missed it. Her hand that rested on his chest shifted to his jaw, as she rubs his bottom lip noticing the small amount of lipstick that she had left on him.

“Yeah?” He mutters, still breathless.

“I’m in love with you.”

After two long weeks, and a few years, she finally found the courage to tell him what was in her heart. She was absolutely certain that he was worth the risk. He is worth every trial and tribulation that they may face, as long as they faced it head on together, she knew in her heart that this is what she wanted.

It felt good to finally say it out loud. To finally be confident of the five words, and not be terrified of what was going to come alongside it. Fuck every fear and every doubt she’s ever had when it came to him. Every point in that list at the back of her old notebook is insignificant. Those words meant nothing to her, especially when she finally got to hold him like she’s wanted to all of her life.

Without a doubt, he is the one for her.

“And, I’m in love with you.” Ricky smiles, “You might not have been my first girlfriend or anything. But I just want you to know that you will always be my first love.” He mutters in the small space in between them.

“You will always be mine too.” Nini breathes out, “Thanks for catching me.”

Ricky chuckles, “What does that even mean?”

“I fell in love with you,” Nini answers simply, “And you caught me. Just like you always promised.”

“Well, I just caught the best fish in the sea.” He teases, nudging his nose against hers, “I think those fisherman in ‘Finding Nemo’ would be proud.”

Nini rolls her eyes, “Okay, yeah, whatever. Just kiss me.”

“Don’t have to tell me twice.”

They hum as their lips connect together once more. Ricky’s hands begin to thread through her hair, as he drives her closer into him. Taken over by the overwhelming amount of love and pleasure that was coursing through them, Ricky teasingly lets his mouth fall open as he trails his tongue along the seam of her lips.

Allowing him entrance, she begins to battle him for dominance. The pair overtook by the bliss, wondering why it had taken them so long to get to this point. That kissing was only one benefit to their revelation, and they were ready to discover much more about each other. And there was only one word running through both of their minds. _Finally_.

“Oh my god.” Nini mumbles against his lips. Ricky mistakes it for pleasure, he begins to push his tongue further into her mouth. However, Nini pulls back with big, bright eyes as she gasps, “That’s it!” Quickly she escapes out of his hold and clambers her way into the kitchen.

Completely confused by her outburst, Ricky quickly follows her and sees the pretty brunette hunched over the kitchen island. Her laptop sat in front of her, and there was an abandoned coffee mug which she was probably drinking before he had arrived. There was a pen in her hand and it was flying across the page as she wrote in her notebook.

Curious as to what the girl was writing, he makes his way over to the brunette. Wrapping his arms around her waist, he hooks his chin over her shoulder and peers down at the notebook in front of them. It was the messiest he’s ever seen her handwriting and he couldn’t help but chuckle.

Pressing his lips to her ear, “What are you writing, babe?” He asks, loving the nickname as it slipped off his tongue.

“I started writing a book back when we weren’t talking earlier this year.” Nini informs him once she gets her entire thoughts written down on the page, she turns her body to face him. Her arms coming up to wrap around the back of his neck, as she smiles brightly, “I’ve been trying to figure out the ending and I just couldn’t for the life of me.”

“So, you were thinking about the ending when we were making out…” Ricky’s brain starts to realize, “Not the fact that I was kissing you. I mean that’s fantastic for my ego.”

Nini rolls her eyes, “Oh, shut up.” She smacks his shoulder lightly, before leaning up on her tiptoes to plant a meaningful kiss to his pouty lips. “I love kissing you, but I just thought of the most perfect ending.”

“Okay, fine, I’ll bite.” His hands roam around the small of her back, one of his hands slipping underneath her shirt to feel her warm skin radiating. “What’s the book about, bug?”

“It’s a story about two kids that grew up together and start to fall in love.” She starts, smiling as she notices Ricky beginning to register what this story’s about. “And, they face a bunch of bad timings and whatnot, misunderstandings the whole shebang. I’ve been stuck on the ending the last few weeks, and I finally got it.”

Ricky hums, pressing his thumb into the small of her back, “Sounds oddly familiar.”

“Does it?” Nini mocks, “I hadn’t noticed.”

“God, I love you.” He leans, planting another kiss to her lips.

Nini giggles against his lips, pulling back slightly as she moves her hands to his cheeks. “Remember how you told me that I deserve the world?” She asks, pressing her thumbs into the apples of his cheeks giddily, loving how his skin felt underneath her touch.

Knitting his eyebrows together a little in confusion, “Yeah, do you finally believe me?”

“Yeah.” Nini nods, sinking her teeth into her bottom lip, “Because, I’m holding my world in my hands.”

“You’re such a fucking cheeseball.” Ricky lets out a loud laugh.

Nini leans up on her tiptoes to peck his lips, “You love it.” She mumbles against his mouth.

“Sure do, babe.”

**Author's Note:**

> WELL that was a story wasn't it haha 
> 
> fun fact this was VERY loosely inspired by my real life with my best friend. but like obviously i overplayed and exaggerated so many things, but yeah. madison likes to think this will manifest itself one day and i'm highly doubtful but I'll let her believe what she wants. we've been calling this 'story of my life' just for the fun of it and honestly the lack for a better title.
> 
> anyways, i hope you all enjoyed this one. let me know what you think, kudos and comments always keep me going haha 
> 
> and if you want to chat or ask me questions whether that'd be about this work or any of my future ones, even nothing personal lmao you can find me on tumblr @nini-ricky !! 
> 
> sending you all so much love and thank you for still reading and all of the support you've given me in the last year xx


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